I sometimes get lost in contemplation as my metaphorical sisters are vociferously expressing their disappointment with men not being considerate and respectful. It is impressive to see so much energy emerging from such small, sensitive and yet so powerful creatures. Sometimes the energy is pure rage, and for good reason; many men are just unable to fathom their beauty and delicacy and fail to appreciate it accordingly. If I had the talent (and budget) I'd like to make a movie to make people aware of their painful struggle. It would be my token of appreciation and empathy, my protest against this plague which taints our so-called "modern and evolved" society.
So far I have a title for it and a basic narrative. In order to gather more information about what women are looking for in a man, I went on Tinder. I thought of this little app to be a trove of sincere and unbiased openness, a channel where women can freely express what they want from a man, a lover, a potential partner to spend their entire lives with. Indeed, it was.
And what better starting point than the description in the profile? You're not one to judge a book by the pictures, are you?
Most of the profiles that have words in the description (more on this a bit later) are mentioning interest for relaxed conversations over a glass of wine, but intelligent and meaningful at the same time. Such descriptions are accompanied by pictures of ample décolletages and mashing bras in more or less provoking positions and tattoos depicting tribal symbols or deep philosophical quotes from Facebook. Often in Chinese characters, for emphasis.
There are some descriptions where the author was too busy to use words (yes, this is the later bit mentioned earlier). She opted for various sets of emoticons instead. Usually including a party hat, a glass of red wine, a smiling sun, a pair of lips, ice-cream, cigarette and smoke, 3 wiggly lines (probably waves, the phone set on vibrate or drunken cocaine lines), a cat's head and an umbrella tilted to 45º, which is not how you'd normally hold an umbrella.
Others -probably the more avid Shakespeare readers- take brevity to the next level of wit and have blank descriptions or brief statements such as "5.7 ft min." or "love 2 get p*ssed". An asterisk is proof that foul language does not belong in a well-educated woman's vocabulary.
And -to close the circle- there are some descriptions that contain painfully long stories about a child being afraid of the dark and a man being afraid of the light, an injured deer or cat finding shelter from the storm, a storm, the soul reflecting from a tree in a lake at midnight under the moon and above the clouds, the warmth of kindness, being present and/ or connected, a drop of water in the ocean, crossroads and so on. Usually combined.
I'm not one to generalize, every woman is unique -of course- but some common traits have emerged. The ideal man should be usually taller, considerate, without tattoos, well-mannered, educated, loyal, attentive and funny. No pictures without a t-shirt, please. They like Hawking and Chopra, Dawkins and Osho. And they're also quite religious. Some have pictures wearing a wedding dress. And at least one with a small cat or dog. Many think the eyes are the path to the soul, usually the ones wearing sunglasses the size of manholes. It's rather hard to strike the right balance. But the treasure awaiting those who go all the way is worth any effort. This is true. Some even remember to remind it to the potentially lucky ones. Just in case.
As an homage to Mr. Scorsese's masterpiece Raging bull, I'd name mine Raging cow.
Showing posts with label a dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label a dog. Show all posts
26 July, 2015
13 January, 2015
Couching tiger, hidden remote
There's a link to my Twitter, where I posted a joke shared on my Facebook
page from some other place. I also put it on LinkedIn, because I'm a
professional. And I want people to enjoy my wit all over the entire social media.
I may even add a comment, but usually I will not. But I might embed some ads, and
then wait by the ATM while basking in my online popularity.
It's called social media, and looking at some of my connections on various sites, it seems to be pretty easy. Take a random photo with your iPhone, add some effects to make it unique and special (it's easy, unique effects are built-in), post it all over the place, and if writing a complete sentence is too complicated, just put a few random words with a hashtag in front of each. For instance, if it's a selfie but it contains only 8% of a corner of your left cheek and the rest is your hip woolly beanie or a scooter or a coffeehouse chain logo in the background, add something like #princess, #sweetie or #chillin'. And don't forget, last sentence must be "Pls share if you like it, Like if you agree". That's it, job done. The worse you are at framing and wording, the more artistic your friends will think you are. Easy.
And if it still isn't, fret not; there are experts all over the place willing to explain you the mysteries of the internet and social media. Some of them are really good, they have been around since Instagram only had black-and-white photos and the hashtag was known as the number sign.
If you're serious about being prolific, the first thing you need to learn is that the number of Likes you get is inversely proportional with content quality.
If you want to go even deeper, they can also teach you about trending, SEO and other interesting TLAs which are useful when you want to sound smart in a conversation with other people that don't have a clue, either. But usually, you don't want to go that deep, do you? Which is fortunate, as I haven’t paid much attention and that’s pretty much all I know about this topic. So let’s call this an unrelated introduction to what I really wanted to write about here: something else.
As most good corporate citizens, I am on a constant lookout for ways to improve efficiency. That would be an easy task if I were a manager; I’d cut my team’s bonuses and tell them it’s a directive from HQ for improving customer satisfaction by streamlining operational expenses and reshifting focus and resources towards this core-priority objective, which would lead to bigger bonuses for the next three years. This would allow me to lower costs and also get a bigger bonus for it. As I’m not a manager, I had to actually think for a bit, and after 2 strenuous minutes of hard thinking (spread across several days) I came up with a complete list (of two items).
Firstly, I’d get a couch. Improved ergonomics will considerably improve my productivity, leading to better results; for instance, faster times at Evil Sudoku can increase the amount of time I could allocate to actual work. A couch involves an initial cost, of course, but there would be savings, too: one of my favorite office activities is measuring how many milk packets I can pour in various containers such as paper cups, other colleagues’ mugs, empty flower vases, and -sometimes- other colleagues’ laptops while they’re busy taking to the car water and Coke bottles from the kitchen because... because the quality to price ratio is unbeatable anywhere else, I guess. Anyway, as a couch is more tempting, a decrease in interest for such experiments would lead to a decrease in expenses for milk packets. This alone would gradually cover the cost of a new couch in no-time (10 to 20 years, which is the standard for any decent strategy). Not to mention the savings on Post-It’s, as my inclination towards origami would plummet as well.
Another way of improving efficiency at the office is getting my own office. I’m not buying the ‘open-space improves team collaboration’ mantra, because most 'collaboration' revolves around jokes I've heard many years ago, "Have you seen the email I sent you 20 seconds ago? It’s really important." (Yes, I have seen it and I’ve already deleted it, turns out it wasn’t that important) and loud phone conversations about any possible pointless topic, except work, of course. "Hi, precious. Have you done your homework? You did? Good. Maths, too? That’s nice, has mommy/daddy checked it? Is grandma already home? Has she fed you lunch? What did you have?" (Followed by detailed inquires about every item in the fridge or pantry). "Well, I’ll be home in half an hour, too. Tell grandma she doesn’t need to buy water, I already took care of that. Put grandma on the phone, anyway. Bye, honey. Yes, I love you, too. Byyyeeee." The time until grandma picks up the phone is a great opportunity for additional inquiries about that email. "It’s really important..." "Hello? Did precious do all the homework? Have you checked? Even maths? Have you had lunch? What have you fed her?" (Guess what follows here). "Oh, by the way: don’t buy water; I took care of that." (I'm tempted to join in and add that Coke and whatever sodas are available in the kitchen have also been taken care of), "I’ll be home in 30 minutes. Bye". Obvious lie aside (they had told precious they’d be home in half an hour and then, 20 long minutes later, they told grandma they’d be home in half an hour, too), the open space is a constant source of such interruptions which distract me from watching YouTube. I often have to rewind and re-watch certain bits, which means even less time available for actual work.
Other potential areas of efficiency improvement involve a reworking of the cigarette breaks schedule and possibly getting a hyena or a tiger (hyenas are smart and fierce and tigers are cool and fierce) trained to react to certain ringtones and keywords. And a PA to delete emails on my behalf. But right now I’m a bit busy checking color swatches for the couch; I don’t like to be unprepared.
It's called social media, and looking at some of my connections on various sites, it seems to be pretty easy. Take a random photo with your iPhone, add some effects to make it unique and special (it's easy, unique effects are built-in), post it all over the place, and if writing a complete sentence is too complicated, just put a few random words with a hashtag in front of each. For instance, if it's a selfie but it contains only 8% of a corner of your left cheek and the rest is your hip woolly beanie or a scooter or a coffeehouse chain logo in the background, add something like #princess, #sweetie or #chillin'. And don't forget, last sentence must be "Pls share if you like it, Like if you agree". That's it, job done. The worse you are at framing and wording, the more artistic your friends will think you are. Easy.
And if it still isn't, fret not; there are experts all over the place willing to explain you the mysteries of the internet and social media. Some of them are really good, they have been around since Instagram only had black-and-white photos and the hashtag was known as the number sign.
If you're serious about being prolific, the first thing you need to learn is that the number of Likes you get is inversely proportional with content quality.
If you want to go even deeper, they can also teach you about trending, SEO and other interesting TLAs which are useful when you want to sound smart in a conversation with other people that don't have a clue, either. But usually, you don't want to go that deep, do you? Which is fortunate, as I haven’t paid much attention and that’s pretty much all I know about this topic. So let’s call this an unrelated introduction to what I really wanted to write about here: something else.
As most good corporate citizens, I am on a constant lookout for ways to improve efficiency. That would be an easy task if I were a manager; I’d cut my team’s bonuses and tell them it’s a directive from HQ for improving customer satisfaction by streamlining operational expenses and reshifting focus and resources towards this core-priority objective, which would lead to bigger bonuses for the next three years. This would allow me to lower costs and also get a bigger bonus for it. As I’m not a manager, I had to actually think for a bit, and after 2 strenuous minutes of hard thinking (spread across several days) I came up with a complete list (of two items).
Firstly, I’d get a couch. Improved ergonomics will considerably improve my productivity, leading to better results; for instance, faster times at Evil Sudoku can increase the amount of time I could allocate to actual work. A couch involves an initial cost, of course, but there would be savings, too: one of my favorite office activities is measuring how many milk packets I can pour in various containers such as paper cups, other colleagues’ mugs, empty flower vases, and -sometimes- other colleagues’ laptops while they’re busy taking to the car water and Coke bottles from the kitchen because... because the quality to price ratio is unbeatable anywhere else, I guess. Anyway, as a couch is more tempting, a decrease in interest for such experiments would lead to a decrease in expenses for milk packets. This alone would gradually cover the cost of a new couch in no-time (10 to 20 years, which is the standard for any decent strategy). Not to mention the savings on Post-It’s, as my inclination towards origami would plummet as well.
Another way of improving efficiency at the office is getting my own office. I’m not buying the ‘open-space improves team collaboration’ mantra, because most 'collaboration' revolves around jokes I've heard many years ago, "Have you seen the email I sent you 20 seconds ago? It’s really important." (Yes, I have seen it and I’ve already deleted it, turns out it wasn’t that important) and loud phone conversations about any possible pointless topic, except work, of course. "Hi, precious. Have you done your homework? You did? Good. Maths, too? That’s nice, has mommy/daddy checked it? Is grandma already home? Has she fed you lunch? What did you have?" (Followed by detailed inquires about every item in the fridge or pantry). "Well, I’ll be home in half an hour, too. Tell grandma she doesn’t need to buy water, I already took care of that. Put grandma on the phone, anyway. Bye, honey. Yes, I love you, too. Byyyeeee." The time until grandma picks up the phone is a great opportunity for additional inquiries about that email. "It’s really important..." "Hello? Did precious do all the homework? Have you checked? Even maths? Have you had lunch? What have you fed her?" (Guess what follows here). "Oh, by the way: don’t buy water; I took care of that." (I'm tempted to join in and add that Coke and whatever sodas are available in the kitchen have also been taken care of), "I’ll be home in 30 minutes. Bye". Obvious lie aside (they had told precious they’d be home in half an hour and then, 20 long minutes later, they told grandma they’d be home in half an hour, too), the open space is a constant source of such interruptions which distract me from watching YouTube. I often have to rewind and re-watch certain bits, which means even less time available for actual work.
Other potential areas of efficiency improvement involve a reworking of the cigarette breaks schedule and possibly getting a hyena or a tiger (hyenas are smart and fierce and tigers are cool and fierce) trained to react to certain ringtones and keywords. And a PA to delete emails on my behalf. But right now I’m a bit busy checking color swatches for the couch; I don’t like to be unprepared.
01 January, 2015
New Year's revolution
If you look around, the first day of the new year is the best day for a new start. And if you look around very quickly, you may get dizzy and fall.
People pick the first day of the new year as the best day for new commitments, significant decisions to take on difficult tasks they've been struggling with in the past year(s) and so on. Rather often, it's to start that diet, give up on smoking or drinking, exercise more and so on. And what better way to start it than sometime past noon (because you went to bed quite late last night) with a coffee and cigarette, to pass that heavy migraine from last night, hung-over and bloated from that one last amazing dinner? Because from now on it's salad days, it's waking up early to go to the gym and then serious work to outdo your best which hasn't been that good in the past years.
OK, maybe not necessarily today, but definitely on Monday. Today it's so nice outside and quiet indoors, and it's a holiday anyway so you're not really supposed to work. And the fridge is still full. It would be a shame to throw away all the food and cake. There are starving children in other parts of the world, you know. So: can you pass that bottle and ashtray, please? Yes, some cake would also be nice, thank you.
There's something not quite right with this approach. You already pushed it to Monday, and by Wednesday you're already exhausted. These stupid New Year's resolutions, merely because of peer pressure and idiots around you asking what your plans for this new fresh start are. What were you thinking, really? And you're not even half-way through the weekend. This is wrong.
A better approach, based on an ancient idea I've just made up is to avoid overburdening yourself from such daunting undertakings. Try to think long-term. Whatever you plan to do, think it through a bit. Sure, it sounds great on Dec. 31st, but will it also sound that great two months later? Or even by the end of the first week (see above)? Or even by the beginning of the first week (see above)? Try to take things easily, but steadily. Also, make it enjoyable. Set checkpoints, and then set some small rewards after each, too. Indulge a bit, you're only human. Otherwise it won't last. You won't last.
And what better way to make it more rewarding than starting with the reward itself? So: can you pass that bottle and ashtray, please? Yes, some cake would also be nice, thank you. Wow, this new year looks quite promising already. You can never go wrong with ancient wisdom.
Happy New Year, everyone! If your destiny guides your steps near the couch, drop by to wish me Happy New Year, too (without the 'everyone' and exclamation mark bit). If I'm not there, look by the fridge. Hurry up, though, it's cold there.
One more thing. Actually, no, I'm done already. I only added this because a post with less than 500 words would look lazy. And it was only 498 before this 'One more thing' thing. I could have squeezed a couple of superfluous epithets here and there, but I'm not that kind of person. I have integrity. And now that I'm done with this, I remembered I also have some cake. Probably not for long, though. And then all I'll have left is integrity. That's the kind of person I really am.
People pick the first day of the new year as the best day for new commitments, significant decisions to take on difficult tasks they've been struggling with in the past year(s) and so on. Rather often, it's to start that diet, give up on smoking or drinking, exercise more and so on. And what better way to start it than sometime past noon (because you went to bed quite late last night) with a coffee and cigarette, to pass that heavy migraine from last night, hung-over and bloated from that one last amazing dinner? Because from now on it's salad days, it's waking up early to go to the gym and then serious work to outdo your best which hasn't been that good in the past years.
OK, maybe not necessarily today, but definitely on Monday. Today it's so nice outside and quiet indoors, and it's a holiday anyway so you're not really supposed to work. And the fridge is still full. It would be a shame to throw away all the food and cake. There are starving children in other parts of the world, you know. So: can you pass that bottle and ashtray, please? Yes, some cake would also be nice, thank you.
There's something not quite right with this approach. You already pushed it to Monday, and by Wednesday you're already exhausted. These stupid New Year's resolutions, merely because of peer pressure and idiots around you asking what your plans for this new fresh start are. What were you thinking, really? And you're not even half-way through the weekend. This is wrong.
A better approach, based on an ancient idea I've just made up is to avoid overburdening yourself from such daunting undertakings. Try to think long-term. Whatever you plan to do, think it through a bit. Sure, it sounds great on Dec. 31st, but will it also sound that great two months later? Or even by the end of the first week (see above)? Or even by the beginning of the first week (see above)? Try to take things easily, but steadily. Also, make it enjoyable. Set checkpoints, and then set some small rewards after each, too. Indulge a bit, you're only human. Otherwise it won't last. You won't last.
And what better way to make it more rewarding than starting with the reward itself? So: can you pass that bottle and ashtray, please? Yes, some cake would also be nice, thank you. Wow, this new year looks quite promising already. You can never go wrong with ancient wisdom.
Happy New Year, everyone! If your destiny guides your steps near the couch, drop by to wish me Happy New Year, too (without the 'everyone' and exclamation mark bit). If I'm not there, look by the fridge. Hurry up, though, it's cold there.
One more thing. Actually, no, I'm done already. I only added this because a post with less than 500 words would look lazy. And it was only 498 before this 'One more thing' thing. I could have squeezed a couple of superfluous epithets here and there, but I'm not that kind of person. I have integrity. And now that I'm done with this, I remembered I also have some cake. Probably not for long, though. And then all I'll have left is integrity. That's the kind of person I really am.
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