Poisonous powerpoints and deadly meetings.

It's meeting day. It's meeting time. It begins.
I hope I'm prepared this time.
You don't just walk into a meeting. It's a full ritual. You need to be not-too-tired as sleeping is frowned upon (tested, confirmed). And you cannot be too rested, it sucks you in and then it's game over. Numb or detached are your best options. A good starting point for that is yoga. Or drugs. Legal, of course. Smelling like a festival is not the worst thing you can come across in the meeting room, but it is somehow the most noticed and disapproved. While the really bad ones are politely ignored. Anyway, neither option is available now. It's 10 sharp, time to start. The phone is set to silent, the battery is full, the tea mug is half full (with tea, not idiotic optimistic views of life), I'm ready. Good sign: it's less crowded than expected: only me and two other suckers that thought we'd start on time this time. Of course it's not good a sign, it's bad manners. Apparently, the acceptable threshold for being late at a meeting is 5 to 10 minutes (for whatever reason), so at 10:20-ish everyone is in the room. The door is closed, time to start. Dim the lights, turn on the projector. Surprisingly, the projector is 'not working'. It's a recurring surprise that never grows old. Turn the lights back on, make sure the right cables are connected, finally manage to press the right keys and share the screen, dim the lights back again. To hide the dim presenter who hasn't mastered the esoteric art of using a projector.
First slide is about why we've gathered here today. You'd think we all know by now, but you'd be surprised. Alright, now everybody knows. Second slide is the introductory round. Of course. Some faces look familiar already, and some names do ring a bell. Maybe because I've had my coffee break with them for this morning? Or maybe because we've been colleagues for the past years? Anyway, that's at least 10 minutes of useless small talk before the other useless small talks. By the end of the round, some have already forgotten what the meeting was about. A gentle reminder and finally we're off.
10:35. It begins. My first reaction is to zone out. I try to detach, to think of nice things. It's not easy, they're pulling me back. Their loud voices, their bright slides won't let me get away so easily. I'm struggling to shelter in the proverbial happy place inside my mind. It's hard to stay away, but it finally happens. It's a bit quieter now, now it's just right. I've made it. I'm wafting in a sea of tranquility and time is on my side. Minutes and then hours just fly by. It feels good. It should all be over soon.
I think it's safe to go back now. If I time this right, I should be back right before they've reached an agreement for whatever they're bickering about. I'm back now. Quick check. 10:36. Uh-oh.  Not as good as I expected.
It's so disappointing I can't even go back to my sea of tranquility. But I am prepared. Time to switch weapons, and my meeting-survival arsenal is far from being empty. It's game time. Proper games. On today's menu we have a rich selection of angry birds, online chess and offline Sudoku. Unfortunately, their argument for hypothetical and pointless percentages makes it a bit too noisy for chess. Oh well... Many dead green pigs and 28 slides later, I've had enough. Now it's a good time for Sudoku (any meeting is a good time for Sudoku). I'm on fire today, two evil ones solved in less than 10 minutes. Good, engrossing pace. The noise fades out and it gets better and better. It's nice and quiet again.
Suddenly it's too quiet. Is it over already? Is that it? No, it's not. Someone asked me a question and they're waiting for an answer. Usually I know the answers, but unfortunately I have no idea what the question was. I dodge it with another question that's generic enough to make them busy again. But that was close, and now they're suspicious. Time for something else.
Well, what better thing to wake me up a bit than a little snack? I can make less noise when eating an apple or biscuits than a ninja following the main actress in those uncomfortable sandals when the telly's on mute, and I can even have mille-feuilles without making any crumbs. All these years of mom yelling at me for not eating in the kitchen are paying off. I'm not that hungry, but that should take care of a few more slides.
A few more slides later. Luckily they seem to have reached some agreement. Usually, the agreement is to meet again next week for further discussions. I won't be here next week. We're almost done, it's the penultimate slide, right before Summary and 'Thank you'. Oh no, this is the 'Questions?' slide, which for some reason they seem to take seriously every time. They struggle to bring up even more uninteresting ideas and pointless points than they have in the past 2 hours. I try to phase out again and it's easier now, knowing it shouldn't be long at this point: the meeting is already overlapping lunch time and their enthusiasm fades as more immediate priorities focus the spotlight on today's menu. Quick scroll through the summary, thank you’s and congratulations, lights go back on and it's over. I'm back. And I'm out of the meeting room. Promising to myself I won't be back any time soon. At least not next week.
I'm never prepared for meetings. No matter how hard I prepare.

It's not about the destination. It's not about the trip, either.

Sometimes it's all about the person you're traveling with. If you're going to the loo with a friend before the movie starts (hopefully at the cinema, it's strange if you hit the bog accompanied when at home) and you notice there's only one unoccupied cubicle, you'd secretly wish they slipped or stopped to pick up the phone. Hmm... I guess the destination is still important in this case. OK, never mind this.
Some wizards are not very good at spells and magic, like the ones that prompt you to click Next, Next, I agree, Install to default path, Yes, I said I agree, Finish (fine, reboot as well). They are good at other things, such as reading various things and performing tasks, but the only thing magic about them is not crashing so often. Others though -unlike the ones I'm referring to after the failed example about what's important during a trip- are quite good. They live in a hut in the woods, know spells, can catch glimpses of the future and make magic potions. If I could see the future and cook magic potions I surely would not live in a hut. And my magic potions would be sold by the gram -elegantly wrapped in cling film- in certain parts of the kingdom. Also, I would make sure there are always cubicles available before the movie begins, I would cast away the ads and trailers for the stupid movies and I would lower the price of popcorn. Right now, movie popcorn is as expensive -gram for gram- as the potions I would make if I had magic powers. Oh, and fit maidens would be a thing of the recent past.
Should the path of a wizard cross the path of a lumberjack superhero from the same wood and a different story, that would be quite a fight. A clash between adamantium sideburns and a wizard like Gandalf the Gray (or White, depending on which part you're watching) would be more epic than James Bond and Hellboy teaming up to investigate mysterious murders (true story). Unfortunately, Canada is pretty far from New Zealand, just like ‘The Fast And The Furious’ is pretty far from being a watchable series. Still, I'd bet my money on the wizard, based on the serious thought I've given to which superpower I'd like to have and how to would use it. And no, I will not explain here, you never know when you may use this against my... no, no-no-no no, I'm not falling for that one. Needless to say, in the third round an enchanted dragon would significantly tilt the balance and I’d win. Well the wizard would, but it feels like I’m already part of this. Plus, the money I’ve bet is real. The dragon cannot be enchanted before the third round, as the first two are usually spent trying to remember the spell.
Unfortunately, we will never know who'd win because one day a cute fluffy bunny got lost, went into the wizard's hut to shelter from the rain (it was raining the day it got lost), came across his magic concoctions and ate them all thinking they were candy. When they kicked in, it ate the wizard, ate the lumberjack and used the adamantium claws as toothpicks. Afterwards it calmed down a bit, found its way back home, went home and lived happily ever after. Except for some bizarre visions that kicked in during the following few days but eventually faded. Well, at least I wouldn't risk losing money on a bet; sometimes these wizards are sneaky bastards. I would spend it instead for a ticket to this movie. And maybe some popcorn. You know this is a movie you want to watch. And the trip there is worth it if the traffic isn’t that bad. Well, sometimes it is about the trip. And the destination. And it doesn’t matter who you’re going with, as long as they have set the phone to silent when they came out of the bathroom and don’t interrupt to ask you about the plot during the movie. And ask for permission before taking your popcorn, because they wanted to get nachos. Sometimes the title is misleading. As is the first sentence in this story. I guess the moral of the story is to never trust fluffy things as promising stories or cute bunnies.

The queen comes on the inside. It's moving swiftly and overtaking the bishop. The bishop fights back. It pulls out a knife and...

... and things get ugly. Chess is a brutal sport. And complicated. It's not all black and white. Except for the board. And the pieces. It's quite racist, actually. There are no pawns with exotic accents. Not all pieces are allowed to go wherever they want. Only the queen can do that. And the other queen. And the kings, but slowly. But they don't go anywhere anyway. Not until most of the pieces are off the board. They get moving once the plebs are pretty much all dead.
I don't play chess often. But when I do, it's rare. I've just mentioned that. Sometimes it is medium or even well-done. I guess many chess players enjoy a bit of blood. It's quite brutal. I've said that, too.
Sometimes you need to repeat things. When the person you're talking to is not very intelligent. Or not paying attention. Or when you're not. Sometimes you repeat things you're saying even when you're not talking to someone. Maybe it is better to be coherent when you're talking to yourself? As you may have probably realized by now, this is not a very good story. A story needs action, a timeline along which things are happening in a certain order. You're interested in how it goes, it gets captivating, you start liking some characters and disliking others, it gets exciting. You want to know how it ends. But just before that, mom closes the book because it's getting late and you have to wake up early. But you'll continue tomorrow. She then moves to her room, where things start to get exciting for daddy. Now he has to convince mommy he's already brushed his teeth, when mommy was reading you the story. There is some rustle and then an abrupt segue to darkness. You fall asleep, and now you're dreaming. There's a giant spider coming towards you. You wake up scared and realize you're not a child, you're a grown-up and you fell asleep with your face on the keyboard. Your face emailed gibberish in your sleep to random colleagues from the address book. And there's a meeting in 20 minutes. Suddenly, the giant spider is not so bad anymore. Unfortunately, there's no time for another nap. Hopefully, many of your emails are gibberish all the time and probably nobody will notice you sent them whilst asleep. That's why it's great not to set high expectations. 19 minutes left. You can read a bit. A good story to keep your mind off spiders and meetings. Something to relax you. Or coffee, maybe? Never hurts to have one before a meeting. With a bit of luck, someone in the cafeteria may even tell you what the meeting is about. Or maybe you'll meet that new lady from Finance. She looks nice. Will she be in the meeting, too? Of course, there's nobody interesting in the cafeteria, and the coffee is cold. What is this place coming to? You head to the meeting room and realize there's nobody there. Except for a spider. But it's not gigantic, it's tiny. It's hidden on a leaf in the plant in the big pot near the door. Well, it thinks it's hidden; if it were, you wouldn't notice it. Or maybe you're such a great observer. That's what happens when you don't have much to do. Until yesterday you didn't even know there were plants in the meeting room. And until now you didn't even realize the meeting is actually tomorrow. Maybe you're not such a great observer. Anyway, back to your desk. You don't feel like working, and you don't feel like going on YouTube again; you've already spent half your morning there. Time for something new. Something challenging, something to keep you awake for 3 more hours. Maybe some chess; it's such a brutal sport, time will fly in no time. Remember?
Well, anyway... another day at the office.

I'm still not in the office; food for thought. Because 'food for thought' sounds more interesting than 'part 2'.

Let's assume you have 3 apples. A friend comes and asks for half. What do you do?
Would you offer half an apple or 1,5 apples? Or no apple at all, as they're tasty or that person is not really your friend? Or both. If you cut an apple in half, do you discard the pips, or you share those as well? The pips are supposed to be really good for your lungs. Technically, you should share the pips, too. If you decide to share the pips and some drop on the counter, do you pick them up with your bare fingers, or do you use a napkin? Or pretend to use a napkin but use your fingers when the friend's not looking? Maybe it's easier to just give an entire apple? What if the friend actually expects 1,5? A bit impolite, maybe, but still. And you're really hungry, you had nothing for lunch. The apples were supposed to be your lunch. You saw him earlier eating a sandwich. He didn't offer to share. Still, you're a nice person and decide to share. One apple is slightly larger and looks really shiny. Another one is smaller and blemished. Would you pick the nice one for yourself Life would be much easier if you had 2 identical apples instead (or no friend to notice them). Sometimes less is more. And simpler. You wouldn't have all these problems. And you wouldn't have to read this. We could focus on your email instead if I were here. I'm not here, though. I'll be back before the end of the year. I may answer sooner, but if I'm not and it's important and you want to be sure you may send me a text. Or some tasty fruit. It helps. And it's good for you. And for me, if you send me some.

Persnickety thoughts

Dim people need shades inside, the sun is blinding. Or at least the artificial light, there is not too much sunlight at all. The white phones are blinding, too. And deafening. Hence the headphones (also shiny). Health is important. Hence the woolly caps. It must be drafty indoors, from the tiniest coffee shop to the largest mall. You never know. Shades, big headphones and shiny phones. This you know. It's a pattern. It's not a cliché. And I am not biased. Well, maybe it is a cliché. Maybe I am biased. Probably I'm getting old. Technically, I am getting old. All the time. We all are. Now I'm getting philosophical. Again. I'm generalizing too much. My mind is getting lazy. My brain is not very well. I'd better get a woolly cap, to warm my brain for a bit. I could get some shades and headphones, while I'm at it? My eyes and ears need protection, too. Hmm, am I turning into one of them? Maybe they all had the same dilemma, way before me. And reached the same conclusion. Maybe they are older, they had more time to think this through. But they look so young... Maybe they're fast, and I'm slow. Maybe I'm not as smart, maybe they are smarter. But now I'm reaching the same conclusion. Maybe I'm getting smarter, too. Hahahaah, it's all good again. I'm evolving, and I'm feeling so much better now. My brain is nice and warm. There's no loud sound to bother me. And this dimmer light sure is cozy. Everything is getting better now. Everyone is much nicer. The lovely young lady smiles at me now while she pours my coffee. She has a lovely tongue pierce. I bet she has lovely eyes, too. I wish I could see them, but she has shades, too. Oh well, I can pay more attention to her neck tattoo. What an interesting tattoo. That must be her boyfriend's name. All curly. What a lucky guy. And those musical notes around it... Lovely young lady, indeed. If I loved music so much, I would start a band instead of wasting my time pouring coffee for all those grumpy old people. Wait, I'm getting unpleasant thoughts again. I'd better get a bigger woolly cap. And darker shades. And bigger headphones. This is not good. At some point I'll get through the darkest shade. And headphones so big it's almost impossible to wear them without ruining my woolly cap. What will I do then? It's not easy at all, maybe that's why they're not smiling. Hmm, too much evolution is not good at all. It's not easy being a smart sensitive young man today. Especially in a society where all these people are judging. And labeling others by the things they wear. Good thing I'm not one of them. I am nice and happy. Maybe I'll get another coffee. Maybe I'll get a tattoo; I'm not busy at all today. I wonder what I should get. It's nice in here, and cozy. I could bide for a wee longer. It's only been four hours.

Bedlam story

A few hundred years ago there was a little girl who lived in a small house near an enchanted forest. The forest had been enchanted by a lumberjack who liked to take advantage of innocent, virgin forests. You'd think they'd know better than trusting men who hang around in the woods, but...
Anyway, some lumberjacks do that, while others grow claws and move to Canada to become superheroes. In most cases the claws are an unaesthetic consequence of lack of proper nail hygiene. However, those involved in forest enchanting pay adequate attention to their appearance; good looks are of paramount importance for success in luring endeavors.
This is also valid for day-to-day interactions. For instance, when you go to a job interview attention to detail matters. Although if going to a job interview is part of your day-to-day activities probably you're not very good at getting a job. Unless you work in HR (in which case you're probably not very good at... never mind, that's for another story).
For some reason, superheroes tend to over-complicate their lives and manage to get involved in other conflicts. If I were a super-hero I would briefly take advantage of my super-power(s) to secure a comfortable retirement and then I would enjoy a... well, a comfortable retirement.
But this is not about me. This is about a little girl who lived in a small house near an enchanted forest. Are you sure you're paying attention? Hmmm, OK. One day, the little girl was playing in the woods when she met a strange-looking man with rather long nails, just like her mom's. At first she was worried he would be one of those men who go in the woods just like in the story you've been reading so far. But then she noticed the man's nails were rather trim and nicely covered in red polish, also just like her mom's. If anything, this was a man paying excessive attention to his appearance. This calmed her down a bit (you see, attention to detail pays off), as her dad had told her this kind of men are rather safe and overall excellent friends for women. She calmed down even more when this man killed the wolf that had eaten her grandma just before she was about to deliver her a basket of sundry goods. By the end of all this bedlam she had utter confidence in this man. And so did her grandma, even though old people aren't usually very tolerant towards men with long, polished nails.
They all lived happily for a while, but in the long run it didn't matter as the little girl is now dead. Because all this happened a few hundred years ago. This was the first thing you've been told at the beginning of this story.
Sherlock Holmes was very attentive to detail and he would have figured this story without so many explanations. He would have also realized the man with long nails had been using red polish to cover the blood stains. On the other hand, he was taking copious amounts of drugs to overcome boredom. Which is probably a great idea for those slower days during comfortable retirement.

Annoying at the rate of half a million words per weekend.

It's usually 3-4 minutes after you've bought the digital camera when you feel you're already a professional photographer. If there are buttons and dials you don't understand, you're definitely on the right track. If it's a more expensive camera, the weekends for the following 3-4 months will be spent on seminars on how to take photos like a pro (and learn what the buttons do). And then you go on trips for professional photo shooting in unique places. On the way there, you get to show your gear to other professional photographers who share your taste. Even the memory card is carefully weighed and admired with that air of elegance and sophistication of people that ask for beer on the plane from the flight attendant with the drinks trolley. Once you get there, you embark on the quest to get that unique photo that nobody else will ever get (except for the other 20 pros on the bus. Or someone from the next group, next Saturday). Most of the times it's a flower growing on a stump or dead insect on a stump, about 100 meters away from the bus stop.
Once all this is over, you're finally ready to shoot like a pro. Anything else in your life becomes an opportunity to take a really good photo. Well, I say one... It's usually 4-500 per weekend. Everybody has to sit still now, this light practically begs for a group photo against that background (a mall or some trees). Look at that original angle! Look at that shade! Unmissable! One more time now, because I missed the light. Or rather, the light was not right (it's never right the first 15 times). And again, 20 minutes later, the light is even better now. Now you move there, you hold that flower, you tilt your head like this. Now don't move for 10 to 20 minutes, because there's a better lens for this light. A lens that's always at the bottom of your backpack. The one specially designed for cameras and accessories. It takes ages to find anything in one of those 35 compartments and pockets, but it's still better than an average backpack because everything is neatly organized. People who are not professional photographers like you usually complain it's starting to rain or their leg is starting to feel numb while you're focusing and exposing, but in about 3-4 years (processing the photos is never easy) they'll see the photo and really appreciate the effort.
By the time those photos are ready half the people have died of old age and you're back to using a compact camera -like the one you had before you got the big, expensive one- but somehow even more expensive. Because it still has interchangeable zoom and bipolar lenses and autistic viewfinder. And the difference in quality is marginal even to a pro's eye. For everyone else it won't matter either because they will never see the pictures anyway. Also, it's easier to carry around. The photos you're posting on facebook are still taken with your phone, because the camera is too valuable to carry around in your pocket. Yes, it is pocket-able but only an idiot would carry it like that. The best way to protect it is to keep it in the desk drawer, at home. For really good photos there's always your iPad.

Suicide note, part 2

My dear reader,
Things haven't been going very well since my last note.
All the small bottles and little boxes in the bathroom cupboard are labelled dangerous, hazardous and deadly. Caution is required, keep away from small children, call the doctor immediately and so on. I've tried them all and can confirm it's utter bollocks. I've only got indigestion, plenty of them. Other side-effects were slight dizziness and spending even more time in the bathroom. More time to read labels, I guess. The best I've managed was an annoying head-ache from something with skull-and-bones from a quite large bottle which turned out to be fabric softener. On the plus side, my breath smells amazing and my tongue is much, much softer. Almost silky. Pills have been going down much easier since.
Next step, the kitchen. Overall failure, as well. Knives that claim to cut through shoes and wood proved no more successful than industrial-strength rope (it makes me wonder what sort of industries require strong rope. And why I had some in a drawer). The bill so far: a few nasty bruises on the left wrist and neck, three broken chairs, torn curtains, one broken lamp and complaints from the neighbours to keep the noise down and go to the bedroom when I'm having sex at dinner-time. Also, the oven needs fixing.
The rest of the house was no better. In the living room, the closest option I've got was watching bad television, and in the bedroom, well... the bedroom is more disappointing than the bad television I've been trying for the past 6 hours.
Running out of options, I tackled the garage with high expectations, but the car proved to be useless (note to self: remember to remind wife to remember to fuel up) and vegetable-based paints are as as effective as fabric softener. And no positive effects, except maybe for a fat teenager passing by, who offered me 70 euros for a paint-stained shirt. I'll use that to replace the gazebo I broke when I tried to jump out the window.
I'll get back when I manage to get better results. Actually, I won't if I do. Expect more moaning or silent success.

Meals between wheels

A facebook cover photo that proves you're deep and interesting should include massive stairs, like those in front of a palace or a museum. I've seen a lot of interesting people with them. For balance, the following cover photo usually showcases them slightly drunk, at the beach or in equally embarrassing situations, such as in front of a courthouse. On the plus side, courthouses also have massive stairs. But it has nothing to do with today's story.

This weekend was set for cooking. Cooking requires a complex combination of factors in precise percentages, such as advanced planning, hunger, lack of other options during the day the cooking is supposed to happen and remembering to buy ingredients. It's way easier to cook if you do have the ingredients. Also, you're more motivated as you know they'll go bad and it's not good to waste food. One of the main bullets on the shopping list says 'What other crap was I supposed to buy?' To this day, the mystery remains unsolved and the bullet is still there. Un-ticked.

Anyway, off to cooking. Since it was decided to be vegetarian, it was supposed to be various vegetables stuffed with a tasty vegetarian filling, baked in the oven for a certain amount of time until they look even more tasty than before they went in. Since this is not a cooking blog, I will not focus on such details as quantities, timing at each step or pictures at various stages of the process. There are no pictures in this blog, based on a decision I'm sticking with for the sake of a whim continuity. Anyway, the focus here is time and superb coordination during cooking, rather than the recipe. Today's cooking had to adapt around the complicate schedule of the 3 Moto Grand Prix races at Assen (it's a Dutch circuit, not a German porn). Rain was announced, which meant races could be delayed; this made things even more challenging.

First, the filling, based on red lentils and caramelized onions. Someone mentioned the other day lentils were tasty, not to mention nutritious qualities (which are not that relevant, but they don't hurt, either). I had never cooked lentils before, so I looked on the internet for how to cook lentils. For those who don't know, lentils are supposed to be soaked for 12 hours. Initially, I was thinking to cook them 2 days ago, but for various reasons everything was delayed till today (2 days later, in case you did not pay attention), so the lentils have been soaked thoroughly for about 60 hours (I wouldn't wash the same bowl twice). Yesterday evening I noticed the 12-hours interval is for green lentils, as opposed to red, for which 30 minutes are enough. Anyway, the wheels were already in motion, so there we go. Red lentils are interesting because of their orange colour. After soaking they turn a bit pinkish, and after boiling (after 60 hours of soaking they were still a bit chewy, so off to the stove they went) they get a very nice yellowish colour. The curry powder may have contributed a bit to the yellowish shade, though. In their defense, the label on the bag of lentils had a red background, so there is a bit of truth to their name. Since this was supposed to be experimentation, the condiments were entirely up to me (hint: curry powder and sweet paprika are a rather good choice).

As the lentils boiled -the upside of a thorough soak is a surprisingly short time required for the boiling until they're done- it was time to do something else. Not enough time for anything complicated, so I chopped the onions and ate some fruit. Eating apricots and grapes can be a very emotional thing. Or maybe chopping onions is, not sure. As the boiling completed, I mixed in the rest of the condiments, set everything aside, and off to see the first race. Very nice and exciting race, as usual. A Spanish guy won, and as I was already fed up with the Spanish anthem I skipped the champagne fight and went back to the kitchen.

Time for the caramelized onions. It's easier than it sounds, as long as a bit of attention is paid. And remembering to mix and toss them every once in a while for uniform colour, doneness and yum factor. And, as opposed to onion soup, this does not take several weeks during which at least three people take eight-hours shifts to supervise the process. It's actually quite fast, even on a low flame (you don't want to be too fast, right?). Between stirring the onions there was enough time to prepare the vegetables for the (already delicious, judging by the smell) filling. It was supposed to be tomatoes, eggplants and bell peppers. Since the eggplants were highjacked in a mutabal yesterday, I settled for tomatoes and bell peppers only. Quick and straightforward: try to make as much room as possible without poking holes (as a side-note, I think avocado skins could make a good shell for holding stuff; I didn't have any available to test, so maybe another time). The second race was delayed 20 minutes, due to weather conditions. As more time was available, the inner tomato bits removed a bit earlier went straight into the pan, as a bonus for the onions. Another bonus was some almond meal, which tied everything together quite nicely (both ideas proved to be quite smart). Chopped cilantro and parsley followed, with a few drops of hot sauce along with other condiments. Once everything was nicely mixed I put the pan aside to cool (still covered, for extra softness) and went back to the telly just in time for the warm-up lap. Not as dramatic as the first race, but at least there was a nicer anthem at the end.

The break between the second and third race was less challenging, as I remembered Brazil is playing Chile in a couple of hours and there is plenty of time. I had some more fruit instead and fell asleep in the second half of the third race (it wasn't that exciting after). All in all, great timing, (almost) great races and great food. It's also very healthy, but hey, nobody's perfect.

Everybody be cool!

I came across a post from a HR lady about what makes HR so cool. Yes, there are such people with such questions. This isn't made up, this is copy/paste/then-remove-names-because-of-coma-you-know-coma-pity.


One day I have asked myself... What's So Cool About HR? and felt like I needed to reconnect with all my HR mates to see all kind of different perspectives.
So here you have:
HR #1: We are cool and we are making HR cool! :)
HR #2: Applying NLP just for fun. And ruining your first dates forever.
HR #3: HR people are cool! HR professionals understand people, pick the right ones, encourage them and get the best out of them, create an excellent work environment, manage benefits and help people become better performers and meet the business goals. HR is the driver of a company's competitive advantage!
HR #4: :) I love my job !!!
HR #5: The chance to be well known by almost all employees of the company! Free self-branding! :))
HR #6: Power! small gods who play with the lives of others! :)) True or not?
HR #7: HR is about finding the missing link in the in the whole puzzle.
HR #8: The role that HR has is cool - challenges, projects, people (some of them).

And these are only a few of my colleagues:D

Everything nice and shiny, right? Typos aside, of course, but you know HR are lenient on those when they spot them in CVs.

Well, this is what I gathered from the blurbs:

• HR #1. Overconfidence outshines logic and common sense. HR people are cool (they just are, no justification required), hence HR is cool. A is "x", so B is also "x" because A does B. Based on this, charming murderers commit lovely crimes.
• HR #2. Psychopaths agree. Some sex offenders agree, too.
• HR #3. Almost convincing. To the weak minds, bullshit bingo always is.
• HR #4. Brevity is the soul of the wit. True, but not applicable here. Here it's just concise drivel. "I love ice-cream" would be equally relevant. And ice-cream is fun enough you don't even need to begin with a smiley face (did you check? It is there, yes).
• HR #5. Illusion of grandeur. The catering guy who delivers lunch warm and on time is well known by all the employees. The receptionist is well know by all the employees, as well. And so is the flasher at the company meeting (this also ticks the self-branding box, rather efficiently).
• HR #6. Megalomania. Walking hand-in-hand with insecurity.
• HR #7. Cluelessness about their own work. If you're looking for something in a puzzle, it should be a piece, rather than a link. And if it is already in the puzzle, it's not missing; it's hidden. If it were missing, you wouldn't look for it in the puzzle, you'd look for it in the box. Or under the table. And if you have a cat, then good luck ever finding it.
• HR #8. Cluelessness about everybody else's work. There are other departments whose work involve challenges, projects and people. Quite a few, actually. And most of the times, these don't even guarantee a cool role. On the contrary: easy tasks, free time and no other people messing about are better candidates for making your job cool.

Unfortunately, these are only a few of the HR colleagues. There are more. Also unfortunately, the cool and competent ones did not answer. Mainly because they don't need to answer this sort of question to silence low self-esteem and insecurity.

I do apologize for the back-and-forth scrolling between bullets and italics.