Midlife crisis?

Turning 30 tomorrow. Hmmm... 15% of my life already gone.
93% left to go (I saved when the progress bar was at 7% just in case, I can reload from there).

If people ask me if I'd do things differently should I be given a chance, I answer them.

[What, you thought I'd tell you?]


Who knows, maybe I'd be a better father and husband. Maybe I'd have a better job. Maybe I'd have a nicer house. Maybe I would be a nicer person.

Father. I've got my hands on a few mating seasons -some of them not involving my hands- but no offspring so far. I'm good. No kids, no complaints; so I'm doing fine. No room for improvement here. Unless...
I could be a better Father. And better shaped, too. If I stopped eating all that candy and started giving some of it to the children I'd be way slimmer. And would have way more sex. Yes, that kind of Father. If you think it's sick (Disclaimers don't look good in the middle of the story, but yes, I think it's sick too) remember you sent your poor children to church in the first place, you dumbass. How about letting them go outside and play or maybe read instead? It's double win for everyone.

Husband. I'm single now, and not even 30 yet (that's tomorrow), no reason to hurry or get depressed now. I'm not a woman.

Better job. Suffice to say I work in IT, so there are a lot of places where I could make more money. I could be in Sales, but unfortunately I have a personality. There are a couple of things I am good at (so Marketing is not an option, either), but most of them will be obsolete in six months. I could be a successful lawyer, or I could have a career in HR, but I already mentioned I'm not into screwing people against their will.

Nicer house. A lot of room for improvement here, definitely: at least 2 bedrooms (yes, that lazy) and an extra bathroom. A yard with some trees would do nice too, thank you very much.

Nicer person. Well, if this post has offended you in any way, you're either too religious, feminist, lawyer, you have a terrible sense of humor or any combination of those. It's your fault that you don't like me, not mine. I'm a pretty nice person, really.

P.S. If you really are in HR, I could really use a better job. And a bigger house.