What happens in your body when you're running or not running.

Mid-life crisis is still not ticked off from my long list of annoying things I need to complete or at least start. Unfortunately, I still couldn't come up with a decent one. The closest I could think of is still a an expensive sports car but given my current financial prospects -based on some vague numbers I've run through my mind while writing this- mid-life crisis should wait until when I'm about 109 and probably able to afford a decent Porsche. Unfortunately, patience is one of the very few qualities I'm short of, so that's too a long time to wait. Unless you're a volcano waiting on a rift. Or a man at the mall who's stupidly agreed to go clothes shopping with a woman during the weekend. In these cases, it's a rather short time if you ask the volcano or the woman, but I'm neither. Also, 109 is not really mid-life but rather dangerously stepping in the fourth-quarter territory, based on other loose estimations pf my life-span, which amount to a significant percentage of my style of devising watertight-plans. If I were one of the people who find witty expressing percentages by slices in a pie chart, I'd say they're a rather a big slice. Usually those people are accountants. Or overly appreciative of Excel. I'm not an accountant.

With the Porsche out of the picture, the feminist in me decided she was quite happy with my breasts and lips size and she was quick to dismiss implants out of the picture, too. But while in the area of sensitive body parts, she decided some sports would be beneficial. This is something no sane man would conceive unless it involved a TV, snacks and some alcohol, but the feminist side dismissed those, too. Feminists tend to be quite dismissive quite often, with an average of twice per paragraph.

Moving on with a new paragraph, just in case more dismissal is required.
Given how significant feminism is in my life, I decided to get to it. Not directly into sports, but into evaluating the consequences. I may not a very patient person, but I'm not hasty either. It's not something trivial you can just stampede into and then evaluate the consequences later, like buying cheap milk because it's close to the expiration date (and colour). Or a relationship. This is an important endeavour, as some form of physical effort may be involved.

Now that I'm thinking about it, it's a pity I'm not very appreciative of Excel, as it could help me create a table with 2 columns containing all the pros and cons and even come up with a nice pie chart outlining my conclusions based on that table. But as I've confusingly said, I'm not a volcano at the mall. Confusion is very high up that long list of qualities I possess, right next to humility and never having told a lie. It's such a long list that I would have organized it somehow if I had known how, but I am not aware of any tools for maintaining large collections of items.

That being said, I managed to remember several random effects of picking up on sports and a healthy life-style. I should start by pointing out that I'm a committed vegetarian already. Well, part-time vegetarian, but still; I'm no stranger to healthy choices. I don't eat bacon tiramisu every day, I check the label on the beer cans to make sure they don't contain palm oil and I'm always making sure those blue-cheese barbecue Pringles are ethically harvested from free-range potatoes (they're fine, there are no potatoes in them).

Even if you're already prepared, adopting a sporty life-style brings some significant changes. For instance, you start wearing tight clothes that could have looked decently probably 20 kg ago (that's 3 stone if you're British or a rounding error if you're American). Decent is a stretched (ha!) term, since even if you were fit you'd still be covered in 3 quarters of all the shades of a rainbow, mostly from the areas with savage shiny fuchsia, bright venomous orange, seizure-inducing purple and Predator-blood-retina-bleeding-fluorescent-green. Performance sporting gear and monochromatism are not the best friends. Also, it helps if you're into the habit of checking the label, thusly being able to get only the best synthetic nylon stretch pants and lung-crushing tops. Natural ingredients may be good in the kitchen but they're an outrageous faux-pas at the gym. And while we're on the topic of ingredients, the same goes for hydration gels packets, ergonomic energy drink buckets, muscle stimulant steroids and 3-gallon (that's mid-size for the American audience) protein shake canisters. If you thought cooking meth -the easiest way to get skinny- was difficult, wait till you read these labels; you may hold a chemist diploma and still struggle figuring out the list. That's a sign you're on the right track, though. Don't let complicated terminology intimidate you: as long as you can carry them on your $200 waist-band (performance clothes don't bother with pockets unless they're in places you cannot reach to) these items will be your loyal companions on the path to a fit and healthy lifestyle (or until you get kidney failure or a stroke).

By the time you're done purchasing all the required gear you may come to realize you would have spent less on a Porsche fit with the racing package, custom performance paint and ceramic brakes (bike rack not included). Speaking of which, posh car manufacturers are more than happy to sell you performance bikes more expensive than any of their cars. They may cost an arm and a leg, but weigh less than a finger. And if you're truly committed and go all the way for the top-of-the-range-titanium-helium-carbon-negative-weight-composite model the price range is bordering Koenigsegg territory. For those not into mid-life-crisis performance cars, Koenigsegg is a word you can only copy/ paste in a sentence, as you can never type it yourself.

However, money is not all, you cannot put a price on health and happiness. You may not have known it, but when you're running your body is releasing endorphins (yes, just like when you're gorging on chocolate biscuits). These make you happy. Your body is also releasing gases. Quite a lot of them. As I said, you cannot put a price on health but if I were to make an educated guess (to avoid over-using loose estimations) it'd be about 8$ per each nutrient-packed flatulent outburst. Anyways, remember that no pain is no gain. Temporary intestinal paralysis and excruciating muscle cramps are the surest path to physical comfort and a happy mind.

There is a social component to working out, too. This also contributes to happiness and a positive state of mind. You will make new friends, many of them holding impressive and interesting academic degrees in advanced disciplines like personal coaching, underwater yoga, bone-crunching-Pilates or sophisticated-cross-fit. If you're unsure of these credentials, you may be happy to know they are certified by the most exotic and reputable establishments of superior online education, some even endorsed by celebrity athletes like Vin Diesel and that aerobics trainer from Fiji whose diet is only coconuts and Evian water. And even if these new friends are in their very early twenties, some have already published valuable self-help books based on their lifetime experience. These valuable self-help books are available for download for free from their free website. All you need is to subscribe to the newsletter. And provide your credit card details, but that's only to prove you're serious about improving your life.
Anyway, help and encouragement from your new friends will help you get better -not better, the best- in no-time. Soon you'll be posting on Facebook your improved lap times and comparing them with your friends', which is something everybody enjoys reading about every 20 minutes. You should also post pictures of your new look in your new performance outfit. It's called leading by example. You'll lead others into realizing how radical changes are required right now if they want to be physically and mentally prepared for midlife crisis.

You're probably convinced already, but for the sake of fairness, the other column of my pros/cons non-existent table only has sitting comfortably on the couch, enjoying a pizza and a cookie -or the whole box- during a weekend marathon of the sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, called Barely Legal Ninja Turtles. Possibly followed by some thinking about mid-life crisis. Or some brief physical activity in the kitchen.

A mentor, a motivational speaker and a hairdresser walk into a bar

Hello. You know me. You all know me.
You don't know me?! Are you sure? Maybe you're confusing, but anyway: here's my story.

Some time ago I was struggling with my career. I was very good at everything, but I wasn't sure which one I should choose. I decided to look for professional advice on Facebook where everybody is successful. One day my friend posted about her colleague having left the beauty parlour she was working at. I am totally an expert on beauty and make-up and haircuts, I can tell immediately if that shade fits those bangs and everybody says my pink lipstick and jewels look classy. This looked promising and I decided it to give the hair salon a chance. I became a professional hair stylist.

I struggled a bit at first but I was given a chance since in the meantime the owner's nephew was now my boyfriend. And after a while I became good. I mean really good, I had always been good. Some customers complained on various occasions for made-up reasons, because obviously they didn't have any professional training and were probably jealous. Anyway, now I was good-good, you know? And now all the important customers wanted me to do their hair while my colleagues were taking care of the less important customers.

After some time I realized I was so good and decided to share my knowledge with those less fortunate that couldn't come directly to my parlour. Well, not mine but you understand. And now I am engaged to the owner's nephew now, I guess we should be taking over soon, since I made it so successful.
As I had already a lot of experience on Facebook I started to share professional advice there and I posted some pictures of me and my most interesting hairstyles in assorted outfits. At the beach, in the club, at the mall, in my boyfriend's car. Some even from work, but I was asked to take those down, probably conflict of interest or something like that. Needless to say, it was an instant hit and everybody wanted to become friends with me and see more pictures with me in them.
In a few weeks I had reached the maximum number of friends, but a friend of mine told me I could open a website portal where I wouldn't have this limit and also I could make money. I got someone to build it for me since I was very busy. It was sooo popular that I became even more busy and started running out of time to write professional advice and decided to take information from other websites and make it better with my knowledge. After some time I had so many important things to say that I even started a newsletter which helped my loyal readers to keep track of me and not miss anything. Also, my friend told me this was another good way to make money from advertising or something like that.

Based on my huge success I decided to take things even further. My fans were really into all the things I shared and I decided to do more for them. Why limit myself only to fashion? It can't be the only thing I'm good at, right? And we had a bond already, we resonated so well. Which is why I thought I could provide even better advice, better tailored (ha!) to particular needs for those who could afford it. It was a natural move and so I moved straight into that. I later found out this was called being a personal coach or mentor. This also makes quite good money.

Soon after that, personal mentoring ended up taking even more time from my schedule that was already so full. So I came up with a greater idea: why not share my one-to-one experiences as a personal coach or mentor with more than one person at once? This could help even more people. And also make more money, which is important at this point in my life. I am no longer engaged to that loser and I also had to quit from the parlour when we broke up. But I am not one to make any compromises, he was slowing down my growth and holding back my career. I am moving on. You may no longer find me at my old job, but I'm still very active with coaching and mentoring on Facebook and on my website. I think it's called being a motivational speaker. If you can afford it, you may come watch me at my sessions.