20 January, 2015
Based on a false story.
You are very relaxed. You're a river, a river of calm. Inhale, slowly. You're flowing. Very, very slowly. Breathe deeply. Feel the energy as you exhale. The energy flows with you. Are you aware? You are a river of energy. And you are overflowing. Can you feel it now? Good. That's why yoga mats are waterproof. And that's why you should never drink before yoga.
Although drunk yoga could be appealing to a big slice of the population pie, the slice that would not consider it while sober. But you'd just have to imagine something else than a river. Maybe a nice, dry cab with a driver that doesn't lie when he says he knows the address you've mumbled and won't rip you off on a prolonged detour there.
Yoga seems easy, but it is difficult and misleading. I was expecting to become a master in less than 10 minutes. For the first 2 or 3 it looked promising but eventually the only superior state I reached was a state of superior numbness followed by pain. This was a bit disappointing, as I have a very well trained body; for many years I've been following an almost daily workout routine on the keyboard and mouse. However, yoga seems to involve more muscles than those in the fingers, and my superbly fit index and middle finger couldn't compensate for the lack of exercise anywhere else in the body.
On the spiritual front it didn't go very well, either. After a while my mantras were in complete harmony with the humming of the fridge and the state of deep calm and relaxation I was expecting was consisting of five or six ideas blending quite dis-harmoniously. They covered an extended spectrum of high-level emotions such as slight hunger, things I could do to make the time go faster (I am particularly vulnerable to boredom), thinking whether I have enough clothes to postpone doing the laundry for next weekend, incipient sleepiness, trying to remember if someone borrowed the green memory-stick or I lost it and, finally, two rather conflicting ones: thirst and do I need to go to the bathroom?
I was wondering if this is what everybody else is experiencing during yoga. Because if it is, I am already a master. Unfortunately, I was not very sure. And failing to decide whether I was on the right track or not, I went for a drink to help me evaluate a better strategy to do yoga (turns out I didn't need to go to the bathroom).
To help with the mood I looked on the internet for yoga sounds but most of them consisted of infrequent bangs with a metal object in another metal object, or running water. Which I found to be very similar to what you can hear from a plumber in slow motion. And equally relaxing. And just like the average plumber visit, the average yoga soundtrack lasts between at least 3 and 8 hours.
Well, I haven't actually tried yoga, but I'm confident that if I did it would go pretty much like I imagined. I am great at planning things, especially when they don't involve any activity on my part (beside boredom, another weakness I take pride in is apprehension for manual labour). Everything else, though, is true.
Also, I don't have a yoga mat nor tight pants, which are probably not crucial but make great excuses for not doing it. However, I have a few scented candles from last Christmas which can induce a spiritual mood (or slight suffocation). I also have some marzipan left from Christmas, but I'm not sure it relates to yoga at all.
18 January, 2015
A very long article about cats and another not so long article about cats.
I read recently a woman's post on cats. Normally I don't bother and scroll
or click away, but she looked quite hot so my attention span spanned for more
than 2 seconds. Then I noticed words such as intelligence, affection and other
sugary attempts at anthropomorphism. And I also noticed the post was rather
very long. So I stopped, eventually, after 3 seconds (which is 50 percent more
than usual). I'm all in for wasting time and enjoying the occasional
hilarious drivel, but not one that takes itself seriously. Because nasty things
can happen if people start taking seriously such things (look at religion).
In the attractive lady's defence, I can see the cat appearing intelligent to her (in a direct comparison the cat would probably win), but this doesn't change anything.
Here's a good example.
I was taking out the trash this morning when I noticed a group of five cats in heat. All tense, growling and fighting. I am not familiar with cats' interest in group sex in general, but this particular group didn't seem to be much into that; they seemed to struggle with the teaming. You could see immediately there was an obvious problem with grouping an odd number of things into pairs.
First, a bit of math. I am not proficient at distinguishing a cat's sex from the distance (no, this isn't the part that has anything to do with math), so let's cover all scenarios. The most difficult one is -in my opinion- 3 males and 2 females. Because 4 males and 1 female would be much easier to sort; just set the rota and make sure everyone follows schedule. And 5 males is even easier; problem solved already. They can all go for a beer and have a good time; no need to fight, at least not before a few glasses. In fairness (and also to keep pleased my feminist readers, I'm sure there are lots of them among the 3 or 4 readers of this blog), let's cover now the scenarios when females outnumber the males. An almost equal number of females and males -that's 3 females and 2 males, if you struggle with numbers- is the trickiest bit, because no male would allow the other one to have two while it only gets one. 4 females to 1 male is probably the easiest: the male promises to take care of all of them, but after having a go with the best-looking one it'll get tired and fall asleep. In these case there would be only 3 cats fighting, one quiet and happy and the fifth quiet and happy. And sleeping. And finally, the scenario of 5 females could easily explain the fighting, hissing and overall noise.
Of course, there could also be sexual minorities (to keep HR happy, too), but not even David Attenborough is that thorough. Ricky Gervais tackled the topic briefly more than 10 years ago but eventually dismissed it for lack of evidence.
I thought of all this while enjoying the show (I know most people find irritating the noise cats make when they're in heat, but I find it hilarious). But after feeling like Attenborough observing wild animals in their natural habitat, I got cold after a few minutes and got back inside.
My point is that cats are nowhere near humans at organizing even such simple tasks. People are more evolved, they invented things like gang-bangs (or the more conservative ménage-à-trois for those interested but bashful or agoraphobic) or fishbowls and car-keys to tackle such complicated matters. And let's not forget alcohol, of course. Actually, the most human behaviour I've seen in a cat was when it got drunk at a party. After 2 saucers of champagne and some beer it got feisty and unstable.
But generalization based on exceptions is wrong. Granted, cats are generally cute and particularly cuddly. But not human. Unless you count crass stupidity. In which case that attractive lady is very, very right.
In the attractive lady's defence, I can see the cat appearing intelligent to her (in a direct comparison the cat would probably win), but this doesn't change anything.
Here's a good example.
I was taking out the trash this morning when I noticed a group of five cats in heat. All tense, growling and fighting. I am not familiar with cats' interest in group sex in general, but this particular group didn't seem to be much into that; they seemed to struggle with the teaming. You could see immediately there was an obvious problem with grouping an odd number of things into pairs.
First, a bit of math. I am not proficient at distinguishing a cat's sex from the distance (no, this isn't the part that has anything to do with math), so let's cover all scenarios. The most difficult one is -in my opinion- 3 males and 2 females. Because 4 males and 1 female would be much easier to sort; just set the rota and make sure everyone follows schedule. And 5 males is even easier; problem solved already. They can all go for a beer and have a good time; no need to fight, at least not before a few glasses. In fairness (and also to keep pleased my feminist readers, I'm sure there are lots of them among the 3 or 4 readers of this blog), let's cover now the scenarios when females outnumber the males. An almost equal number of females and males -that's 3 females and 2 males, if you struggle with numbers- is the trickiest bit, because no male would allow the other one to have two while it only gets one. 4 females to 1 male is probably the easiest: the male promises to take care of all of them, but after having a go with the best-looking one it'll get tired and fall asleep. In these case there would be only 3 cats fighting, one quiet and happy and the fifth quiet and happy. And sleeping. And finally, the scenario of 5 females could easily explain the fighting, hissing and overall noise.
Of course, there could also be sexual minorities (to keep HR happy, too), but not even David Attenborough is that thorough. Ricky Gervais tackled the topic briefly more than 10 years ago but eventually dismissed it for lack of evidence.
I thought of all this while enjoying the show (I know most people find irritating the noise cats make when they're in heat, but I find it hilarious). But after feeling like Attenborough observing wild animals in their natural habitat, I got cold after a few minutes and got back inside.
My point is that cats are nowhere near humans at organizing even such simple tasks. People are more evolved, they invented things like gang-bangs (or the more conservative ménage-à-trois for those interested but bashful or agoraphobic) or fishbowls and car-keys to tackle such complicated matters. And let's not forget alcohol, of course. Actually, the most human behaviour I've seen in a cat was when it got drunk at a party. After 2 saucers of champagne and some beer it got feisty and unstable.
But generalization based on exceptions is wrong. Granted, cats are generally cute and particularly cuddly. But not human. Unless you count crass stupidity. In which case that attractive lady is very, very right.
13 January, 2015
Couching tiger, hidden remote
There's a link to my Twitter, where I posted a joke shared on my Facebook
page from some other place. I also put it on LinkedIn, because I'm a
professional. And I want people to enjoy my wit all over the entire social media.
I may even add a comment, but usually I will not. But I might embed some ads, and
then wait by the ATM while basking in my online popularity.
It's called social media, and looking at some of my connections on various sites, it seems to be pretty easy. Take a random photo with your iPhone, add some effects to make it unique and special (it's easy, unique effects are built-in), post it all over the place, and if writing a complete sentence is too complicated, just put a few random words with a hashtag in front of each. For instance, if it's a selfie but it contains only 8% of a corner of your left cheek and the rest is your hip woolly beanie or a scooter or a coffeehouse chain logo in the background, add something like #princess, #sweetie or #chillin'. And don't forget, last sentence must be "Pls share if you like it, Like if you agree". That's it, job done. The worse you are at framing and wording, the more artistic your friends will think you are. Easy.
And if it still isn't, fret not; there are experts all over the place willing to explain you the mysteries of the internet and social media. Some of them are really good, they have been around since Instagram only had black-and-white photos and the hashtag was known as the number sign.
If you're serious about being prolific, the first thing you need to learn is that the number of Likes you get is inversely proportional with content quality.
If you want to go even deeper, they can also teach you about trending, SEO and other interesting TLAs which are useful when you want to sound smart in a conversation with other people that don't have a clue, either. But usually, you don't want to go that deep, do you? Which is fortunate, as I haven’t paid much attention and that’s pretty much all I know about this topic. So let’s call this an unrelated introduction to what I really wanted to write about here: something else.
As most good corporate citizens, I am on a constant lookout for ways to improve efficiency. That would be an easy task if I were a manager; I’d cut my team’s bonuses and tell them it’s a directive from HQ for improving customer satisfaction by streamlining operational expenses and reshifting focus and resources towards this core-priority objective, which would lead to bigger bonuses for the next three years. This would allow me to lower costs and also get a bigger bonus for it. As I’m not a manager, I had to actually think for a bit, and after 2 strenuous minutes of hard thinking (spread across several days) I came up with a complete list (of two items).
Firstly, I’d get a couch. Improved ergonomics will considerably improve my productivity, leading to better results; for instance, faster times at Evil Sudoku can increase the amount of time I could allocate to actual work. A couch involves an initial cost, of course, but there would be savings, too: one of my favorite office activities is measuring how many milk packets I can pour in various containers such as paper cups, other colleagues’ mugs, empty flower vases, and -sometimes- other colleagues’ laptops while they’re busy taking to the car water and Coke bottles from the kitchen because... because the quality to price ratio is unbeatable anywhere else, I guess. Anyway, as a couch is more tempting, a decrease in interest for such experiments would lead to a decrease in expenses for milk packets. This alone would gradually cover the cost of a new couch in no-time (10 to 20 years, which is the standard for any decent strategy). Not to mention the savings on Post-It’s, as my inclination towards origami would plummet as well.
Another way of improving efficiency at the office is getting my own office. I’m not buying the ‘open-space improves team collaboration’ mantra, because most 'collaboration' revolves around jokes I've heard many years ago, "Have you seen the email I sent you 20 seconds ago? It’s really important." (Yes, I have seen it and I’ve already deleted it, turns out it wasn’t that important) and loud phone conversations about any possible pointless topic, except work, of course. "Hi, precious. Have you done your homework? You did? Good. Maths, too? That’s nice, has mommy/daddy checked it? Is grandma already home? Has she fed you lunch? What did you have?" (Followed by detailed inquires about every item in the fridge or pantry). "Well, I’ll be home in half an hour, too. Tell grandma she doesn’t need to buy water, I already took care of that. Put grandma on the phone, anyway. Bye, honey. Yes, I love you, too. Byyyeeee." The time until grandma picks up the phone is a great opportunity for additional inquiries about that email. "It’s really important..." "Hello? Did precious do all the homework? Have you checked? Even maths? Have you had lunch? What have you fed her?" (Guess what follows here). "Oh, by the way: don’t buy water; I took care of that." (I'm tempted to join in and add that Coke and whatever sodas are available in the kitchen have also been taken care of), "I’ll be home in 30 minutes. Bye". Obvious lie aside (they had told precious they’d be home in half an hour and then, 20 long minutes later, they told grandma they’d be home in half an hour, too), the open space is a constant source of such interruptions which distract me from watching YouTube. I often have to rewind and re-watch certain bits, which means even less time available for actual work.
Other potential areas of efficiency improvement involve a reworking of the cigarette breaks schedule and possibly getting a hyena or a tiger (hyenas are smart and fierce and tigers are cool and fierce) trained to react to certain ringtones and keywords. And a PA to delete emails on my behalf. But right now I’m a bit busy checking color swatches for the couch; I don’t like to be unprepared.
It's called social media, and looking at some of my connections on various sites, it seems to be pretty easy. Take a random photo with your iPhone, add some effects to make it unique and special (it's easy, unique effects are built-in), post it all over the place, and if writing a complete sentence is too complicated, just put a few random words with a hashtag in front of each. For instance, if it's a selfie but it contains only 8% of a corner of your left cheek and the rest is your hip woolly beanie or a scooter or a coffeehouse chain logo in the background, add something like #princess, #sweetie or #chillin'. And don't forget, last sentence must be "Pls share if you like it, Like if you agree". That's it, job done. The worse you are at framing and wording, the more artistic your friends will think you are. Easy.
And if it still isn't, fret not; there are experts all over the place willing to explain you the mysteries of the internet and social media. Some of them are really good, they have been around since Instagram only had black-and-white photos and the hashtag was known as the number sign.
If you're serious about being prolific, the first thing you need to learn is that the number of Likes you get is inversely proportional with content quality.
If you want to go even deeper, they can also teach you about trending, SEO and other interesting TLAs which are useful when you want to sound smart in a conversation with other people that don't have a clue, either. But usually, you don't want to go that deep, do you? Which is fortunate, as I haven’t paid much attention and that’s pretty much all I know about this topic. So let’s call this an unrelated introduction to what I really wanted to write about here: something else.
As most good corporate citizens, I am on a constant lookout for ways to improve efficiency. That would be an easy task if I were a manager; I’d cut my team’s bonuses and tell them it’s a directive from HQ for improving customer satisfaction by streamlining operational expenses and reshifting focus and resources towards this core-priority objective, which would lead to bigger bonuses for the next three years. This would allow me to lower costs and also get a bigger bonus for it. As I’m not a manager, I had to actually think for a bit, and after 2 strenuous minutes of hard thinking (spread across several days) I came up with a complete list (of two items).
Firstly, I’d get a couch. Improved ergonomics will considerably improve my productivity, leading to better results; for instance, faster times at Evil Sudoku can increase the amount of time I could allocate to actual work. A couch involves an initial cost, of course, but there would be savings, too: one of my favorite office activities is measuring how many milk packets I can pour in various containers such as paper cups, other colleagues’ mugs, empty flower vases, and -sometimes- other colleagues’ laptops while they’re busy taking to the car water and Coke bottles from the kitchen because... because the quality to price ratio is unbeatable anywhere else, I guess. Anyway, as a couch is more tempting, a decrease in interest for such experiments would lead to a decrease in expenses for milk packets. This alone would gradually cover the cost of a new couch in no-time (10 to 20 years, which is the standard for any decent strategy). Not to mention the savings on Post-It’s, as my inclination towards origami would plummet as well.
Another way of improving efficiency at the office is getting my own office. I’m not buying the ‘open-space improves team collaboration’ mantra, because most 'collaboration' revolves around jokes I've heard many years ago, "Have you seen the email I sent you 20 seconds ago? It’s really important." (Yes, I have seen it and I’ve already deleted it, turns out it wasn’t that important) and loud phone conversations about any possible pointless topic, except work, of course. "Hi, precious. Have you done your homework? You did? Good. Maths, too? That’s nice, has mommy/daddy checked it? Is grandma already home? Has she fed you lunch? What did you have?" (Followed by detailed inquires about every item in the fridge or pantry). "Well, I’ll be home in half an hour, too. Tell grandma she doesn’t need to buy water, I already took care of that. Put grandma on the phone, anyway. Bye, honey. Yes, I love you, too. Byyyeeee." The time until grandma picks up the phone is a great opportunity for additional inquiries about that email. "It’s really important..." "Hello? Did precious do all the homework? Have you checked? Even maths? Have you had lunch? What have you fed her?" (Guess what follows here). "Oh, by the way: don’t buy water; I took care of that." (I'm tempted to join in and add that Coke and whatever sodas are available in the kitchen have also been taken care of), "I’ll be home in 30 minutes. Bye". Obvious lie aside (they had told precious they’d be home in half an hour and then, 20 long minutes later, they told grandma they’d be home in half an hour, too), the open space is a constant source of such interruptions which distract me from watching YouTube. I often have to rewind and re-watch certain bits, which means even less time available for actual work.
Other potential areas of efficiency improvement involve a reworking of the cigarette breaks schedule and possibly getting a hyena or a tiger (hyenas are smart and fierce and tigers are cool and fierce) trained to react to certain ringtones and keywords. And a PA to delete emails on my behalf. But right now I’m a bit busy checking color swatches for the couch; I don’t like to be unprepared.
09 January, 2015
Good manners cost nothing.
Lonely ugly women often share links to articles about how men should behave with women.
For other women to read while sighing and eating chocolate or biscuits. Those
articles are usually written by other lonely ugly women or by desperate men.
For emphasis, the text is accompanied by pictures with watercolors, grainy flowers or cliché landscapes like a sunset or a beach, or -for extra oomph- a beach at sunset. Of course, there's never a gorgeous woman wearing a tight bikini on the beach splashing suggestively, or even a spinning dune buggy splashing suggestively; deserted sand and an over-sized shell are somehow more interesting. If there happens to be a woman, though, she's holding the fore-mentioned shell next to her ear (because it's much better than the nearby waves) or she's looking through a window.
And if clicking a link is too much for you, they also come in your inbox, in the shape of over-sized PowerPoint attachments. Because you see, boys and girls (or rather -in the spirit of the story- girls and boys), you can also embed music in PowerPoints to make everything even more intense and emotional. Well, music may be an overstatement, it's Michael Bolton or an elevator jingle set on loop in case it takes you too long to finish reading. It's never Buckethead nor Rob Zombie.
Anyway, it's not the pictures that make the story (although children and some men over 30 might argue), so let's delve into the story (if I may call it so). The story is a tepid introduction about how manners were the norm a few centuries ago and how today they are not what they used to be, followed by a list of such acts of chivalry that real gentlemen have not forgotten. And just like the music in PowerPoints, it's never something interesting. It's things like walking her home after the date, paying attention to what she's saying, carrying her things, being on time, bringing her flowers and so on. Crass insipidity aside, there may be an issue or two with some of these fine acts of gallantry: she may have said no, do you still walk her home? There's a fine line between acting knightly and stalking. And should you drop her things (that you're carrying for her) on the pavement in order to open the door for her? Do you have to be on time even if she's always late by at least 20 minutes?
Habits and people have changed from a few centuries ago; it's called evolution. What if you have a car? Do you still walk her home? And if she's late, I reckon a quick call or text message would make more sense. Because if we stick to the past, maybe she should sit in the back of the car (assuming the car is not a problem and she prefers it to walking); in the day of carriages a lady has always sat at the back, probably to avoid the horse breaking wind in her hair. And she shouldn't bother her pretty little head with things like emancipation or a career. Or voting. Or wearing a swimsuit in which she can actually get a tan at the beach. Or whom to marry, as a real man only needs to ask the father for her hand in marriage.
The articles also contain so much inequality they would even make a feminist with common-sense cringe. Luckily, common-sense has never been an issue for feminists and they generally approve said articles. And unluckily, there's a very low chance we'll see a list of interesting acts of chivalry with Probot soundtrack and with edgy pictures.
For emphasis, the text is accompanied by pictures with watercolors, grainy flowers or cliché landscapes like a sunset or a beach, or -for extra oomph- a beach at sunset. Of course, there's never a gorgeous woman wearing a tight bikini on the beach splashing suggestively, or even a spinning dune buggy splashing suggestively; deserted sand and an over-sized shell are somehow more interesting. If there happens to be a woman, though, she's holding the fore-mentioned shell next to her ear (because it's much better than the nearby waves) or she's looking through a window.
And if clicking a link is too much for you, they also come in your inbox, in the shape of over-sized PowerPoint attachments. Because you see, boys and girls (or rather -in the spirit of the story- girls and boys), you can also embed music in PowerPoints to make everything even more intense and emotional. Well, music may be an overstatement, it's Michael Bolton or an elevator jingle set on loop in case it takes you too long to finish reading. It's never Buckethead nor Rob Zombie.
Anyway, it's not the pictures that make the story (although children and some men over 30 might argue), so let's delve into the story (if I may call it so). The story is a tepid introduction about how manners were the norm a few centuries ago and how today they are not what they used to be, followed by a list of such acts of chivalry that real gentlemen have not forgotten. And just like the music in PowerPoints, it's never something interesting. It's things like walking her home after the date, paying attention to what she's saying, carrying her things, being on time, bringing her flowers and so on. Crass insipidity aside, there may be an issue or two with some of these fine acts of gallantry: she may have said no, do you still walk her home? There's a fine line between acting knightly and stalking. And should you drop her things (that you're carrying for her) on the pavement in order to open the door for her? Do you have to be on time even if she's always late by at least 20 minutes?
Habits and people have changed from a few centuries ago; it's called evolution. What if you have a car? Do you still walk her home? And if she's late, I reckon a quick call or text message would make more sense. Because if we stick to the past, maybe she should sit in the back of the car (assuming the car is not a problem and she prefers it to walking); in the day of carriages a lady has always sat at the back, probably to avoid the horse breaking wind in her hair. And she shouldn't bother her pretty little head with things like emancipation or a career. Or voting. Or wearing a swimsuit in which she can actually get a tan at the beach. Or whom to marry, as a real man only needs to ask the father for her hand in marriage.
The articles also contain so much inequality they would even make a feminist with common-sense cringe. Luckily, common-sense has never been an issue for feminists and they generally approve said articles. And unluckily, there's a very low chance we'll see a list of interesting acts of chivalry with Probot soundtrack and with edgy pictures.
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