A useless guide to a politically correct updated version of a classic story featuring three little pigs.

At some point before the story even begins, the compliance lady officer quickly took notice the three little pigs were all rosy white males, sending a wrong message to children that only privileged pigs could get stalked, assaulted, maimed, and eventually killed.
One email later, a committee followed. After which twenty meetings and a significant budget followed. After which a policy followed, which stated at least one should be a sow. Or a gilt, we're not judging. Even better if there's also a minority. Preferably not Arab or Jewish, for the sake of simplicity (and because other reasons are not very easy to explain). Also for the sake of simplicity (and copyright and licensing reasons), it was agreed to call them 3 little pigs, collectively. With a disclaimer on page two that at least one of them is indeed minority. And with the risk of ruining the end of the story, we'll write there that no animal was harm during the writing of this book.

So, the updated story begins one sunny day with three -compliantly represented- little pigs. They had become metaphorically fed up with the fact that they were being literally fed up and cared for by a farmer and ran to live on their own in the woods. As there is not too much sun in the wood, and with winter also approaching, one pig suggested they should build a shelter to protect them from the bad weather. Everyone agreed and a committee was assembled. Then, due to disagreement on budget, building materials and aesthetic aspects related to the project, it quickly disassembled. The common shelter had become three separate houses.
One pig built a house from straw. For the second, wood was used. And the third one built his (or hers; it's not important which did which because they are all equal, but it was suggested that it is important to state that it's not important) from bricks, concrete, and slate shingles. This is a modern story, and asbestos was out of the question.

We're not going to get bogged down in details about how hoofed mammals with not a great reputation for handling tools and heavy construction materials did it, but in the end the houses were ready before winter. Not by much, though: the house made of wood took a long time to complete. The building phase was, in fact, significantly shorter from for the other two, as construction material was nearby in abundant quantities. However, additional time was required to make sure the rules of Feng-shui were followed at every step, that the appropriate furniture, rugs, paintings, and other decorations were bought, that they matched and gave it a warm, welcoming vibe and so on.

In the end, they were all happy in their houses and spent each night visiting each other, discussing over a glass of wine the advantages of each construction choice and concluding every time that the house made of wood was the most beautiful after his (or her) owner began to oink and cry whenever the other two would dare to suggest otherwise for even the tiniest details. For instance, the fact that the brick house also had a heating system and excellent thermal insulation for the upcoming winter.

Until one day...

On this one day, the proverbial big bad wolf was walking through the part of wood where the houses were built. Somehow the wolf managed to ignore the noise and ruckus from three construction sites in a place famous for being dead quiet, save only for the rustling leaves in the gentle wind. Unlikely for a predatory animal famous for its excellent senses on which its survival depended across millennia, but hey, in stories anything is possible. Also, we are going to assume the wolf had probably missed the town meetings where the new dwelling projects were discussed before being evaluated and approved. It is important for children to know that abiding the law and regulations are important. It is also important for them to know that it is okay to assume bad things about aspects of life we don't agree with, no matter how unlikely. Such as a wolf being a senseless, irresponsible citizen of the forest. Or other predatory animals for whom the pigs would be food for their cubs, ensuring the survival of their species. And all that on top of their careless acceptance of the drastic impact of construction sites in a delicate ecosystem of a forest. While everybody else was contented to dwell in burrows improvised in caves, trees or even underground.

Anyway, the wolf noticed the houses and went to check things out. The pigs managed to see the wolf first, despite having less developed sense of vision or smell, and quickly locked themselves in the house made of straw. Ignoring the futility of a latch mounted on such flimsy material, the wolf took a deep breath and blew the walls and roof away. The pig who owned the straw house was devastated that it was once again homeless and that the other two could see where he (or she) hid the stash of naughty magazines that would keep him (or her) warm during the cold and lonely winter. However, the adrenaline pump pushed him (or her) to drag the other two into the wooden house while the wolf struggled to catch its breath.
The wolf followed them to the wooden house but this time he couldn't blow the walls. He tried and tried, but to no avail. At this point it was not only a matter of hunger, but rather one of ego. So, he quickly glanced around and saw some tools left outside and started to hack and saw away at the walls. You see, children, this is why mommy and daddy say it is important to keep your things in order and not leave your toys all over the house. Order and cleanliness can save your life one day. They can also prevent uncle Harris from yelling at night when he steps on a piece of Lego while searching his way to the bathroom in the dark because that aunt Susanne makes a scene if he turns on the light and wakes her up. And you should keep order every day, not only when we have guests that stay overnight. Anyway, while the wolf hacked and sawed and puffed away the pigs used the back door to escape to the brick house. They had to move swiftly but quietly, which prompted the owner of the wooden house to ask them to take their dirty shoes off while crossing the house and put them back on when they reached the patio. To avoid making noise on the creaking wooden floor, of course.
As the wolf managed to cut his way into the wooden house, the three pigs found their escape into the solid brick house. The wolf blew and he hacked and he sawed, but he could not enter. The pigs were safe and sound, finally.

Or so they thought. Because you see, children, while the wolf could not get in this meant the three pigs could not go out, either. And they would run out of food and water soon. Hydration is important, you know. This is why your parents make sure you drink your water or milk or fruit juice at each meal. And one day, when you grow up, you will be able to have a beer, too. But in moderation, because alcohol is only good in moderation. Otherwise you'll need to go to the bathroom at night, like uncle Harris. And there might be other complications, too.
The wolf knew all that. Except for uncle Harris' drinking habit. Patiently, he waited. He made sure all the doors were locked and the pigs could not go out like they did at the wooden house. After that, he made a quick run to the ruins of the straw house and took the magazines to pass the time. Although for different reasons, the graphical depictions of revealing and provoking pigs were of great interest to the hungry wolf, too.
Inside, the pigs were waiting, too. For a miracle. And since this is a children story, the miracle arrived right when they would get desperate and start to lose hope.

Worried about the missing pigs, their owner had been looking for them. With the winter closing in, the farmer was growing impatient, too. One day, you'll understand why. Or maybe you know already from aunt Susanne, who goes on and on about how meat is murder and everybody should turn vegetarian like she did three weeks ago.

Long story short, because daddy has an important presentation to do review tonight, the farmer chase the wolf away and rescued the pigs who lived happy ever after. Why are you crying? What? What do you mean brick and tiles are the most polluting materials, while straw and wood are sustainable? You know what, that Susanne is a hippie cow. Yes, Timmy, she probably is worse than the wolf. But don't tell your mom. No, that wouldn't mean lying. It would be like our secret. If daddy knows, it's enough. Good ni... What now? Yes, if the pigs had gone to the brick house first, the other two houses would have survived. And the wolf would have gotten bored and left the pigs alone eventually. And yes, in the end it's not that important that one of the pigs is a lady pig. But yes, anything could happen. For instance, your biscuits might disappear by morning. Yes, again. No, I'm not eating them sometimes. No, no. No, you've seen wrong. It's probably aunt Susanne. She only had a salad this evening, she might get hungry during the night. Don't go to hide them now, you go to bed. It's late. Yes, daddy's taking care. Sure, I promise, why not. You go to bed now, I will protect the biscuits. But you don't tell mom what we talked about aunt Susanne. You know how she gets upset. Good night. Good night!