A useless guide for escaping into another dimension

I am flying.

I have spread my wings and I am flying. One of the oldest human dreams, besides riches or glory or Cleopatra and her sister. I am not flying like you, that would be a painful experience. Spend one hour squeezed in the bus between sweaty people with fat suitcases. Hoping to make it two hours in advance to the airport. Because you need time for the security queues. Go through the detector, thank all your deities for not triggering the beep after you were stripped off your watch, glasses, wallet, phone, belt, shoes, socks, and dignity. And any liquids, sir? And of course, going again through the detector, and waiting to be swabbed for explosives because the beard qualifies you for the random check. Sometimes men get away with it. Women, less often. You, never. Then passport control queues, with rushed people cutting through because they're running late. Late for overpriced alcohol, and oversized Toblerones, as you see 20 minutes later in the duty-free. And maybe some perfume, too, if it's on sale. How else could they make sure they hoard all the space in the overhead compartment? Well, at least there's the consolation of smashing through their bags, hoping to crush the chocolate boxes when you try to squeeze your backpack in. No? You do not do that? Well...

Well, back to my story. This time it is not crowded, there are no queues. Nobody is rushing anywhere. There is nobody in here. I am flying alone through giant, rustling trees in this quiet forest that stretches as far as my eyes can see. The moon and the stars are painting shimmering pale contours on deep blue trees, and I am swirling and swooshing through the moving shapes. All other beings are asleep, hidden beneath the branches and the leaves and the steely darkness. I am a majestic owl and the forest and the night are mine.

I am flying for hours and now I am hovering over a big city. I see tall buildings and big roads dividing them. I see people on the sidewalks, walking lost in shiny screens glowing in the dark and bumping into each other. I see cars, small and big, with even more people in them. I am thinking some of these people are going to airports so they can fly, too. But not like me, not like here. They squeeze and struggle and suffer, and when they finally get in the air they go too high over the clouds and miss all the beauty from below. I can see everything and hear everything. Which reminds me to drop a little souvenir on that car blaring noises from its speakers and its unpleasant driver. I am a majestic little crow in this big city. The big city is mine, too. But unlike the forest, it is making me tired quickly.

As the dawn breaks I am now out of the city and out of the little crow feathers. The sun is rising now, and I am an eagle above these beautiful green hills, scattered with flowers as colorful as I could have never imagined, painting a scenery as picturesque as in the most beautiful books... just like you can read about in books. For some time, I play trying to fly above a slow, playful shadow drawn below by a cloud from above. Then I notice two hares steadily running across a hill. They are gray and one of them has black and yellow spots on its back and head. The spotted one is bigger, he must be the male. He looks so sweet, I chose him to also be my breeaaaakfaaaast! I swiftly plunge towards him, grasp with my claws, and soar back towards the cloud while the other one is running desperately for the lair. I circle for a few minutes and land in a nice, private spot with the gray and spotted one. Actually, it is rather crimson by now but I was never one to judge other by colour. I feast on its delicious flesh and innards, picking and gnawing through the juicy morsels. Mhhmm, delicious fresh flesh, I cannot comprehend how others can complain about fast food. Come to think of it, it was not that fast. And not that big, either. All that remains is a piece of leg. Maybe the fox that thinks it's sneaking unnoticed in the grass will use it for good luck. It sure did not bring much luck to this unfortunate previous owner. I guess it is time for a quick digestive glide now anyway.

As I go higher I notice the sun is getting stronger and stronger, beaming blindingly into my eyes. And strangely, I also hear voices coming from behind the sun. They are asking me if I know who modified the presentation this morning, there are two graphs missing. How could I know? I never do. But I do know that is not the sun. That is the projector. And somebody fiddling with it whilst trying to connect their stupid adapter is pointing it straight into my eyes in the process. Time to get back on land, wake up and crawl dreadingly through the stinking mud of yet another pointless status report meeting. As Andy takes care of lying about our team progress I figure it is time to take out my little shiny screen and sling some birds in the sky unnoticed for the next 45 minutes.

Not out, but not quite in, either (Part VIII)

Dear sender,
Starting next Monday my manager is going on vacation for three weeks. However, I will still be in the office so this does not qualify as an out-of-office auto-reply. Nevertheless, please expect anyway delayed responses or no responses at all during this time-frame.
I plan to leave on vacation, too, but a bit later; most likely 1 or 2 days before her return, thus making sure to avoid potentially uncomfortable overlapping attendance during which the status of how things have been going on while she was gone might be checked upon and making sure that somebody else will have to take care of your inquiry or request if you insist on following up or even calling at the office.
So please do follow up in 2 to 4 weeks to ensure a reassignment and speedier resolution of whatever your problem was as well as clean backlog for me when I return.