My dear reader,
Things haven't been going very well since my last note.
All the small bottles and little boxes in the bathroom cupboard are labelled dangerous, hazardous and deadly. Caution is required, keep away from small children, call the doctor immediately and so on. I've tried them all and can confirm it's utter bollocks. I've only got indigestion, plenty of them. Other side-effects were slight dizziness and spending even more time in the bathroom. More time to read labels, I guess. The best I've managed was an annoying head-ache from something with skull-and-bones from a quite large bottle which turned out to be fabric softener. On the plus side, my breath smells amazing and my tongue is much, much softer. Almost silky. Pills have been going down much easier since.
Next step, the kitchen. Overall failure, as well. Knives that claim to cut through shoes and wood proved no more successful than industrial-strength rope (it makes me wonder what sort of industries require strong rope. And why I had some in a drawer). The bill so far: a few nasty bruises on the left wrist and neck, three broken chairs, torn curtains, one broken lamp and complaints from the neighbours to keep the noise down and go to the bedroom when I'm having sex at dinner-time. Also, the oven needs fixing.
The rest of the house was no better. In the living room, the closest option I've got was watching bad television, and in the bedroom, well... the bedroom is more disappointing than the bad television I've been trying for the past 6 hours.
Running out of options, I tackled the garage with high expectations, but the car proved to be useless (note to self: remember to remind wife to remember to fuel up) and vegetable-based paints are as as effective as fabric softener. And no positive effects, except maybe for a fat teenager passing by, who offered me 70 euros for a paint-stained shirt. I'll use that to replace the gazebo I broke when I tried to jump out the window.
I'll get back when I manage to get better results. Actually, I won't if I do. Expect more moaning or silent success.
Things haven't been going very well since my last note.
All the small bottles and little boxes in the bathroom cupboard are labelled dangerous, hazardous and deadly. Caution is required, keep away from small children, call the doctor immediately and so on. I've tried them all and can confirm it's utter bollocks. I've only got indigestion, plenty of them. Other side-effects were slight dizziness and spending even more time in the bathroom. More time to read labels, I guess. The best I've managed was an annoying head-ache from something with skull-and-bones from a quite large bottle which turned out to be fabric softener. On the plus side, my breath smells amazing and my tongue is much, much softer. Almost silky. Pills have been going down much easier since.
Next step, the kitchen. Overall failure, as well. Knives that claim to cut through shoes and wood proved no more successful than industrial-strength rope (it makes me wonder what sort of industries require strong rope. And why I had some in a drawer). The bill so far: a few nasty bruises on the left wrist and neck, three broken chairs, torn curtains, one broken lamp and complaints from the neighbours to keep the noise down and go to the bedroom when I'm having sex at dinner-time. Also, the oven needs fixing.
The rest of the house was no better. In the living room, the closest option I've got was watching bad television, and in the bedroom, well... the bedroom is more disappointing than the bad television I've been trying for the past 6 hours.
Running out of options, I tackled the garage with high expectations, but the car proved to be useless (note to self: remember to remind wife to remember to fuel up) and vegetable-based paints are as as effective as fabric softener. And no positive effects, except maybe for a fat teenager passing by, who offered me 70 euros for a paint-stained shirt. I'll use that to replace the gazebo I broke when I tried to jump out the window.
I'll get back when I manage to get better results. Actually, I won't if I do. Expect more moaning or silent success.
