The truth is out there. Me, too. (Part IV)

As far as out-of-office auto-replies go, this one gets a special place for brevity and honesty:
I have great signal and excellent internet access. This is so much better, though.

Proactive procrastination

Nothing beats the amazing feeling of relief, like a pardon in front of the firing squad (fastidious hat tip to Mr. F.M.D.). Or when you find out you finally passed that tedious exam (you had failed it 2 times already) you dreaded preparing for but you had to for almost 3 hours the night before. Or when you finally got that raise you've been waiting for quite a while and that new bitch who transferred a few months ago wanted to snatch from you by ass-kissing everyone above on the hierarchical ladder. Or, the morning after you've spent the night with an incredible woman and everything was perfect when -after she's gone- you can finally release whatever you've been holding in since last night when you were cuddling, because you were an idiot and had too much fruit during the evening.
And -probably on top of the list- when you find out a task you were supposed to do but have been pushing for the past months was finally cancelled. That is my default approach to almost each task I am assigned, partly because I know most of them are pointless anyway, and partly (at least 2 parts are involved here) because of the great feeling of relief when I find out it's been cancelled. Especially right before realizing that's it, today I have to take care of it, deadline is looming. Deadlines tend to appear several weeks after you've been first asked if you did something you were asked to do but you didn't because it didn't seem urgent as there was no deadline. At first they're just a minor nuisance in the back of your head and calendar, but they grow and grow and grow. Slowly but implacably, a long time till then turns into eh, still a while, then not so soon, then this week and finally, only a couple of days left. They also materialize in the shape of reminders and emails asking if it's done already. A quick snooze and delete fix this temporarily, but you know you have to start. And right before you do start, that is the sweetest spot for cancellation. Because just like all work and no play make Jack a dull boy, all play and no work make me incredibly sharp and productive at not doing whatever it is I'm supposed to do (but still don't). And if it doesn't happen and I actually start working on it (well, probably not the most suitable phrasing, but still, it looks like I am), then all fun is gone. Yes, sometimes being at work is not all about having fun (and avoiding work). Which ruins the mood a bit.
Not all hope is lost, though. For instance, you can call in sick. Oh, good old diseases: flu, cold, allergies, toothache... So many nice options. But keep in mind, if you want to be credible you need to plan ahead; this is not for amateurs. If the deadline is on Thursday, you start feeling not so great since Monday morning or the week before. And you let people know you're not very well, but it's not so bad and you're doing your best to be at work and take care of things, you're a team player and don't want to let people down. Of course, despite all your good will it gets worse and worse. By Tuesday afternoon, right before you leave, you announce you'll be staying at home the next day; it's getting serious. Napkins, empty medicine bottles on your desk are proof (you took care of those, haven't you? you're not an amateur, are you?). Luckily, there's nothing important planned for Wednesday and your absence won't impact anybody. Unfortunately, this won't go away in only one day, and by Thursday you're so sick that you even forget to charge your phone and you're in no condition to read your emails or do any work. On Friday around noon it's getting better; a good time (after lunch break is the best time, everyone's tired and thinking of the weekend) to let your colleagues or manager know that you're still quite sick but hope to be getting better by Monday. Expressing your interest in how things are working at the office is a nice touch, but only marginally make inquiries about the task you were supposed to finish on Thursday (you forgot about it already?). Based on that, you may decide if your extended weekend extends further beyond Monday or not. Just remember not to post any photos on facebook from your mini-vacation.

Nope, still not in the office (part 3 of at least 3)

Thank you very much for your email. Your email is important to me. I don’t know what’s in it, but I trust you to not to write unnecessary things that I have no use for. There are unnecessary things I have use for, though, and I’m perfectly fine with those. There is a distinct distinction here. I hope your email falls in the latter category. Or maybe in the ‘interesting’ category. The category of items that are both interesting and have some use for me. I hope I’ve covered all categories, and based on that hope I will move on. Actually, wait, there is also the category of interesting things that I have no use for, like how crickets make those sounds, or how Burmese pythons manage to find their home from a long way away. I will not read your email now, but I will read it when I come back. Probably. And I hope I won’t be disappointed. Hopefully. Sometimes, I delete emails to avoid disappointment. Just to be on the safe side, as there may be something unnecessary on uninteresting and for which I have no use. You should see some of the things that land in my mailbox. Not from you, though, of course. I trust you. Anyway, I still won’t read your email now. Now I’m not in the office. On the other hand, you’re getting a response before I have actually read your email. If you were inquiring about some things that are interesting but I have no interest use for, spot on. In other cases, we’ll probably continue this after I’ve read your email. How about next month, second half? Are you busy then?

Poisonous powerpoints and deadly meetings.

It's meeting day. It's meeting time. It begins.
I hope I'm prepared this time.
You don't just walk into a meeting. It's a full ritual. You need to be not-too-tired as sleeping is frowned upon (tested, confirmed). And you cannot be too rested, it sucks you in and then it's game over. Numb or detached are your best options. A good starting point for that is yoga. Or drugs. Legal, of course. Smelling like a festival is not the worst thing you can come across in the meeting room, but it is somehow the most noticed and disapproved. While the really bad ones are politely ignored. Anyway, neither option is available now. It's 10 sharp, time to start. The phone is set to silent, the battery is full, the tea mug is half full (with tea, not idiotic optimistic views of life), I'm ready. Good sign: it's less crowded than expected: only me and two other suckers that thought we'd start on time this time. Of course it's not good a sign, it's bad manners. Apparently, the acceptable threshold for being late at a meeting is 5 to 10 minutes (for whatever reason), so at 10:20-ish everyone is in the room. The door is closed, time to start. Dim the lights, turn on the projector. Surprisingly, the projector is 'not working'. It's a recurring surprise that never grows old. Turn the lights back on, make sure the right cables are connected, finally manage to press the right keys and share the screen, dim the lights back again. To hide the dim presenter who hasn't mastered the esoteric art of using a projector.
First slide is about why we've gathered here today. You'd think we all know by now, but you'd be surprised. Alright, now everybody knows. Second slide is the introductory round. Of course. Some faces look familiar already, and some names do ring a bell. Maybe because I've had my coffee break with them for this morning? Or maybe because we've been colleagues for the past years? Anyway, that's at least 10 minutes of useless small talk before the other useless small talks. By the end of the round, some have already forgotten what the meeting was about. A gentle reminder and finally we're off.
10:35. It begins. My first reaction is to zone out. I try to detach, to think of nice things. It's not easy, they're pulling me back. Their loud voices, their bright slides won't let me get away so easily. I'm struggling to shelter in the proverbial happy place inside my mind. It's hard to stay away, but it finally happens. It's a bit quieter now, now it's just right. I've made it. I'm wafting in a sea of tranquility and time is on my side. Minutes and then hours just fly by. It feels good. It should all be over soon.
I think it's safe to go back now. If I time this right, I should be back right before they've reached an agreement for whatever they're bickering about. I'm back now. Quick check. 10:36. Uh-oh.  Not as good as I expected.
It's so disappointing I can't even go back to my sea of tranquility. But I am prepared. Time to switch weapons, and my meeting-survival arsenal is far from being empty. It's game time. Proper games. On today's menu we have a rich selection of angry birds, online chess and offline Sudoku. Unfortunately, their argument for hypothetical and pointless percentages makes it a bit too noisy for chess. Oh well... Many dead green pigs and 28 slides later, I've had enough. Now it's a good time for Sudoku (any meeting is a good time for Sudoku). I'm on fire today, two evil ones solved in less than 10 minutes. Good, engrossing pace. The noise fades out and it gets better and better. It's nice and quiet again.
Suddenly it's too quiet. Is it over already? Is that it? No, it's not. Someone asked me a question and they're waiting for an answer. Usually I know the answers, but unfortunately I have no idea what the question was. I dodge it with another question that's generic enough to make them busy again. But that was close, and now they're suspicious. Time for something else.
Well, what better thing to wake me up a bit than a little snack? I can make less noise when eating an apple or biscuits than a ninja following the main actress in those uncomfortable sandals when the telly's on mute, and I can even have mille-feuilles without making any crumbs. All these years of mom yelling at me for not eating in the kitchen are paying off. I'm not that hungry, but that should take care of a few more slides.
A few more slides later. Luckily they seem to have reached some agreement. Usually, the agreement is to meet again next week for further discussions. I won't be here next week. We're almost done, it's the penultimate slide, right before Summary and 'Thank you'. Oh no, this is the 'Questions?' slide, which for some reason they seem to take seriously every time. They struggle to bring up even more uninteresting ideas and pointless points than they have in the past 2 hours. I try to phase out again and it's easier now, knowing it shouldn't be long at this point: the meeting is already overlapping lunch time and their enthusiasm fades as more immediate priorities focus the spotlight on today's menu. Quick scroll through the summary, thank you’s and congratulations, lights go back on and it's over. I'm back. And I'm out of the meeting room. Promising to myself I won't be back any time soon. At least not next week.
I'm never prepared for meetings. No matter how hard I prepare.

It's not about the destination. It's not about the trip, either.

Sometimes it's all about the person you're traveling with. If you're going to the loo with a friend before the movie starts (hopefully at the cinema, it's strange if you hit the bog accompanied when at home) and you notice there's only one unoccupied cubicle, you'd secretly wish they slipped or stopped to pick up the phone. Hmm... I guess the destination is still important in this case. OK, never mind this.
Some wizards are not very good at spells and magic, like the ones that prompt you to click Next, Next, I agree, Install to default path, Yes, I said I agree, Finish (fine, reboot as well). They are good at other things, such as reading various things and performing tasks, but the only thing magic about them is not crashing so often. Others though -unlike the ones I'm referring to after the failed example about what's important during a trip- are quite good. They live in a hut in the woods, know spells, can catch glimpses of the future and make magic potions. If I could see the future and cook magic potions I surely would not live in a hut. And my magic potions would be sold by the gram -elegantly wrapped in cling film- in certain parts of the kingdom. Also, I would make sure there are always cubicles available before the movie begins, I would cast away the ads and trailers for the stupid movies and I would lower the price of popcorn. Right now, movie popcorn is as expensive -gram for gram- as the potions I would make if I had magic powers. Oh, and fit maidens would be a thing of the recent past.
Should the path of a wizard cross the path of a lumberjack superhero from the same wood and a different story, that would be quite a fight. A clash between adamantium sideburns and a wizard like Gandalf the Gray (or White, depending on which part you're watching) would be more epic than James Bond and Hellboy teaming up to investigate mysterious murders (true story). Unfortunately, Canada is pretty far from New Zealand, just like ‘The Fast And The Furious’ is pretty far from being a watchable series. Still, I'd bet my money on the wizard, based on the serious thought I've given to which superpower I'd like to have and how to would use it. And no, I will not explain here, you never know when you may use this against my... no, no-no-no no, I'm not falling for that one. Needless to say, in the third round an enchanted dragon would significantly tilt the balance and I’d win. Well the wizard would, but it feels like I’m already part of this. Plus, the money I’ve bet is real. The dragon cannot be enchanted before the third round, as the first two are usually spent trying to remember the spell.
Unfortunately, we will never know who'd win because one day a cute fluffy bunny got lost, went into the wizard's hut to shelter from the rain (it was raining the day it got lost), came across his magic concoctions and ate them all thinking they were candy. When they kicked in, it ate the wizard, ate the lumberjack and used the adamantium claws as toothpicks. Afterwards it calmed down a bit, found its way back home, went home and lived happily ever after. Except for some bizarre visions that kicked in during the following few days but eventually faded. Well, at least I wouldn't risk losing money on a bet; sometimes these wizards are sneaky bastards. I would spend it instead for a ticket to this movie. And maybe some popcorn. You know this is a movie you want to watch. And the trip there is worth it if the traffic isn’t that bad. Well, sometimes it is about the trip. And the destination. And it doesn’t matter who you’re going with, as long as they have set the phone to silent when they came out of the bathroom and don’t interrupt to ask you about the plot during the movie. And ask for permission before taking your popcorn, because they wanted to get nachos. Sometimes the title is misleading. As is the first sentence in this story. I guess the moral of the story is to never trust fluffy things as promising stories or cute bunnies.

The queen comes on the inside. It's moving swiftly and overtaking the bishop. The bishop fights back. It pulls out a knife and...

... and things get ugly. Chess is a brutal sport. And complicated. It's not all black and white. Except for the board. And the pieces. It's quite racist, actually. There are no pawns with exotic accents. Not all pieces are allowed to go wherever they want. Only the queen can do that. And the other queen. And the kings, but slowly. But they don't go anywhere anyway. Not until most of the pieces are off the board. They get moving once the plebs are pretty much all dead.
I don't play chess often. But when I do, it's rare. I've just mentioned that. Sometimes it is medium or even well-done. I guess many chess players enjoy a bit of blood. It's quite brutal. I've said that, too.
Sometimes you need to repeat things. When the person you're talking to is not very intelligent. Or not paying attention. Or when you're not. Sometimes you repeat things you're saying even when you're not talking to someone. Maybe it is better to be coherent when you're talking to yourself? As you may have probably realized by now, this is not a very good story. A story needs action, a timeline along which things are happening in a certain order. You're interested in how it goes, it gets captivating, you start liking some characters and disliking others, it gets exciting. You want to know how it ends. But just before that, mom closes the book because it's getting late and you have to wake up early. But you'll continue tomorrow. She then moves to her room, where things start to get exciting for daddy. Now he has to convince mommy he's already brushed his teeth, when mommy was reading you the story. There is some rustle and then an abrupt segue to darkness. You fall asleep, and now you're dreaming. There's a giant spider coming towards you. You wake up scared and realize you're not a child, you're a grown-up and you fell asleep with your face on the keyboard. Your face emailed gibberish in your sleep to random colleagues from the address book. And there's a meeting in 20 minutes. Suddenly, the giant spider is not so bad anymore. Unfortunately, there's no time for another nap. Hopefully, many of your emails are gibberish all the time and probably nobody will notice you sent them whilst asleep. That's why it's great not to set high expectations. 19 minutes left. You can read a bit. A good story to keep your mind off spiders and meetings. Something to relax you. Or coffee, maybe? Never hurts to have one before a meeting. With a bit of luck, someone in the cafeteria may even tell you what the meeting is about. Or maybe you'll meet that new lady from Finance. She looks nice. Will she be in the meeting, too? Of course, there's nobody interesting in the cafeteria, and the coffee is cold. What is this place coming to? You head to the meeting room and realize there's nobody there. Except for a spider. But it's not gigantic, it's tiny. It's hidden on a leaf in the plant in the big pot near the door. Well, it thinks it's hidden; if it were, you wouldn't notice it. Or maybe you're such a great observer. That's what happens when you don't have much to do. Until yesterday you didn't even know there were plants in the meeting room. And until now you didn't even realize the meeting is actually tomorrow. Maybe you're not such a great observer. Anyway, back to your desk. You don't feel like working, and you don't feel like going on YouTube again; you've already spent half your morning there. Time for something new. Something challenging, something to keep you awake for 3 more hours. Maybe some chess; it's such a brutal sport, time will fly in no time. Remember?
Well, anyway... another day at the office.

I'm still not in the office; food for thought. Because 'food for thought' sounds more interesting than 'part 2'.

Let's assume you have 3 apples. A friend comes and asks for half. What do you do?
Would you offer half an apple or 1,5 apples? Or no apple at all, as they're tasty or that person is not really your friend? Or both. If you cut an apple in half, do you discard the pips, or you share those as well? The pips are supposed to be really good for your lungs. Technically, you should share the pips, too. If you decide to share the pips and some drop on the counter, do you pick them up with your bare fingers, or do you use a napkin? Or pretend to use a napkin but use your fingers when the friend's not looking? Maybe it's easier to just give an entire apple? What if the friend actually expects 1,5? A bit impolite, maybe, but still. And you're really hungry, you had nothing for lunch. The apples were supposed to be your lunch. You saw him earlier eating a sandwich. He didn't offer to share. Still, you're a nice person and decide to share. One apple is slightly larger and looks really shiny. Another one is smaller and blemished. Would you pick the nice one for yourself Life would be much easier if you had 2 identical apples instead (or no friend to notice them). Sometimes less is more. And simpler. You wouldn't have all these problems. And you wouldn't have to read this. We could focus on your email instead if I were here. I'm not here, though. I'll be back before the end of the year. I may answer sooner, but if I'm not and it's important and you want to be sure you may send me a text. Or some tasty fruit. It helps. And it's good for you. And for me, if you send me some.

Persnickety thoughts

Dim people need shades inside, the sun is blinding. Or at least the artificial light, there is not too much sunlight at all. The white phones are blinding, too. And deafening. Hence the headphones (also shiny). Health is important. Hence the woolly caps. It must be drafty indoors, from the tiniest coffee shop to the largest mall. You never know. Shades, big headphones and shiny phones. This you know. It's a pattern. It's not a cliché. And I am not biased. Well, maybe it is a cliché. Maybe I am biased. Probably I'm getting old. Technically, I am getting old. All the time. We all are. Now I'm getting philosophical. Again. I'm generalizing too much. My mind is getting lazy. My brain is not very well. I'd better get a woolly cap, to warm my brain for a bit. I could get some shades and headphones, while I'm at it? My eyes and ears need protection, too. Hmm, am I turning into one of them? Maybe they all had the same dilemma, way before me. And reached the same conclusion. Maybe they are older, they had more time to think this through. But they look so young... Maybe they're fast, and I'm slow. Maybe I'm not as smart, maybe they are smarter. But now I'm reaching the same conclusion. Maybe I'm getting smarter, too. Hahahaah, it's all good again. I'm evolving, and I'm feeling so much better now. My brain is nice and warm. There's no loud sound to bother me. And this dimmer light sure is cozy. Everything is getting better now. Everyone is much nicer. The lovely young lady smiles at me now while she pours my coffee. She has a lovely tongue pierce. I bet she has lovely eyes, too. I wish I could see them, but she has shades, too. Oh well, I can pay more attention to her neck tattoo. What an interesting tattoo. That must be her boyfriend's name. All curly. What a lucky guy. And those musical notes around it... Lovely young lady, indeed. If I loved music so much, I would start a band instead of wasting my time pouring coffee for all those grumpy old people. Wait, I'm getting unpleasant thoughts again. I'd better get a bigger woolly cap. And darker shades. And bigger headphones. This is not good. At some point I'll get through the darkest shade. And headphones so big it's almost impossible to wear them without ruining my woolly cap. What will I do then? It's not easy at all, maybe that's why they're not smiling. Hmm, too much evolution is not good at all. It's not easy being a smart sensitive young man today. Especially in a society where all these people are judging. And labeling others by the things they wear. Good thing I'm not one of them. I am nice and happy. Maybe I'll get another coffee. Maybe I'll get a tattoo; I'm not busy at all today. I wonder what I should get. It's nice in here, and cozy. I could bide for a wee longer. It's only been four hours.