A useless guide to watching horror movies

Well, what better way to enjoy a quiet Friday night in than watching a good film with some friends? Or what other way to enjoy a Friday night when you do not have friends? Unless you actually like alcohol, but -in this case- you would have a lot of friends. And you would be out. At a party, or in a bar, in a park or under a bridge. It all depends on how committed you are.
Anyway, tonight is movie night. It is Friday, and since it also happens to be a 13, someone suggests a horror movie. Yes, I know... But for the superstitious this is relevant. I do not really understand how or why, but she is hot so she was invited. And she brought a friend, too. Unfortunately, not a woman, but fortunately not quite a man, either. I would say about 70/10. There is a lot of margin for error in these cases.
Without further ado, horror film it is. And by "without further ado" I mean a lengthy debate which I do not feel like contributing to since I am the host. I find it more diplomatic to escape to the kitchen and make some popcorn while everybody else carries on. At this point I am thinking there must be better ways to enjoy a Friday night and alcohol suddenly becomes appealing, but as a great host I focus on the kettle instead.
One bowl of popcorn later, I return to the couch to find people lured by the buttery flavour and soon disappointed at the sight of the empty bowl. At least it distracted them from the debate...

While some can be good, in general I do not hold high expectations for horror flicks. They tend to have a bad story, awful acting and either too much make-up. Or too little make-up in the case of Barbara Streisand (Yes, all her films are horror films; pay attention.) Still, fingers crossed! (Can you guess who that is already?)

When I return for a second time from the kitchen -with a full bowl this time- the lights are out and the screen is on and the film has already started. Here it goes... By the opening scene I can guess this is not a lucky exception. The dialogue is fake and forced. The guy on screen is rigid, and not in the good way for a horror. He is supposed to be alive and even cheerful despite all evidence of his acting. He is driving an expensive car somewhere in the mountains and speaking on the phone about a party where he is the main guest. Even the soundtrack is disappointing, more like elevator music than Psycho or any dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun...
And it only gets worse; the superstitious one is getting more and more engaged in a conversation with her friend, everyone else is rather focused on the popcorn and snacks and make enough noise to keep me awake. Well, at least the conversation in my left ear is about make-up, so there is still some hope. And the guy on-screen made it to the cabin in the woods eventually. It does look surprisingly better than the rickety ruins you are used to see in horror movies. This one looks more like a penthouse. Nice cars parked in front, nice pool, the lot. I get the first shiver of horror: oh, please, I hope this is not another Twilight! The guy in the expensive car rings the doorbell and... well, this is not Twilight. The lady is not a midget and definitely not flat. The conversation is just as bad, though. If I could only focus on the cars... Look, that one is a McLaren Senna, and there is a Regerra next to it and... oh, they went inside. Wow, this looks even more expensive than Twilight! And the action is more paced, too: these guys are not taking two hours for a kiss, 20 seconds seem to be enough. And they are not slowing down a bit... Hold on! What the hell is this? I am not so sure this is a horror! What are they.... Yes, definitely not a horror, except only for that snooker table. That is not how you treat a Strachan! At least put a towel on and take your stilettoes off, you cow!

Damn it, who chose this? Surprise surprise, it was the 'uncertain' friend. Apparently, you look for a movie in the adult section because... they are not suitable for children. I cannot help it, and I reflect that he did not look suitable for children, either. The room goes quiet, save for the panting in the background. It is unanimously (with one exception) agreed that I crossed the line: I assumed the dubious friend was a 'he'. How crass of me! How insensitive! How can I not see that he (sorry) identifies himself (sorry again) as a she? Of course, how could I not know? Well, in my defence, the Adam's apple and hairy chest are pretty good clues. No, not enough? Alas! Another lovely evening that I have ruined for everyone.
The hastily misjudged mumbles an excuse about some other event, grabs her purse (Ooh!) and her 46-sized shoes (Ha!) and makes a dramatic exit. Followed by another excuse and her friend. And more excuses and eventually everybody else.

Looks like another quiet night in, after all. Well, there is a good side to such fast pace of the action on- and off-screen: plenty of snacks and popcorn left. And enough time to start over with a proper film.
As I reconfigure the plates and couch for a single-person layout, the superstitious friend returns. Could it be...? Yes, but of course, what else? She forgot her phone. Would she be interested in another movie? Well, she is not quite sure. Maybe she should stay a bit more at least, so that I can explain. She seems reluctant, but eventually agrees.
Dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun!

Not really, that is her phone ringing; somebody is feeling depressed and cannot be left alone right now. Quite the contrary, I think, this could be win-win. For us and the humanity in general. She leaves before I manage to explain, though.

I guess not all horror movies have happy-endings...