A useless guide to a wholesome diet

Many years ago, I watched a movie about a teacher with a knack for molesting teenagers doing a nice gesture for a troubled child haunted by the ghosts of dead people. (Are there ghosts of living people, too?) This is probably not the first sentence that a health guide usually begins with, but I find it to set a more accurate tone for the subject. If it makes you feel better, the teacher was not a child molester at all, but a kind, loving human being. And the child did not actually see ghosts in this movie but in another one. Anyway, the teacher told the kid he did not want anything in return, but that he could do a nice gesture for another person in need instead. From here, a chain of nice deeds cascades throughout the movie all the way to a flood of kindness and overall feel-good to the happy-end. Probably not the kind of happy-ending you had in mind when you began reading this; maybe you should not jump to conclusions so quickly next time, hmm?
Or should you? This being Hollywood, it turns out that the teacher was actually a molester after all. Anyway, this is not the point.

I think advice for a healthy lifestyle is a bit like that, in the sense that people who think of themselves as generous flood other people with links to studies from experts, personal experience and lifting quotes from famous people that emerged victorious after a long life-threatening struggle.
Also like in the movie, this trove of wisdom is offered for free. OK, maybe for a share, or a like, or a re-tweet, or all? No pressure, no pressure. Or maybe, just maybe, for a modest sum when enough text was hoarded from the above-mentioned studies and then combined with personal stories and motivating quotes to yield a new book (anything around 80 pages including pictures and charts seems just about right).
But just like that nice teacher turns out to be not so nice in real life, it turns out that the studies are not really from experts, the personal experience is personal fantasy and the inspiring quotes come from people that had good enough plastic surgery or Photoshop to camouflage the lard and airbrush the flabby skin. Let me expand on that (no offence intended).
The experts are people who think common-sense is not interesting enough to just eat reasonably and balanced and get your ass out of the car from time to time to walk for a change. This is neither financially rewarding nor fast enough for the hippos who stuffed their faces with choccies and greasy fast-food for years and suddenly expect to have a beach body in six weeks. Since a big ass goes hand in hand with a big ego, they are easily offended (imagine my surprise!), the experts need to come up with something better (and more profitable) than "your only chance for a beach body in six weeks is the one of a whale carcass beached for six weeks". So, they come up with exaggerated diets enforced by pseudo-science and imported ingredients. Not because exotic is interesting enough to sound plausible, but if it had grown close enough, they would have tried it already. Or maybe they tried it so much that it has gone extinct. Eat only tofu yoghurt with goji and acai. Of course, unless you happen to live near places where these magic berries grow -in which case you probably cannot afford them anyway- and substitute them with apple skins. You may add a spoon of synthetic honey, which has zero calories, unlike the natural one which has enzymes that encourage fat (not really, but real honey tastes nice and we all know it is never one teaspoon but rather half a jar, and half a jar does encourage fat). Eat only this during a full moon, because the it stimulates the midichlorians in the upper liver and enhances weight loss. For non-full-moon days stick to lean fats, steamed fish shanks and turnip and quinoa salad (replace the quinoa with other grains from 3 continents away if it happens to grow near your place). And an apple core for dessert, if you crave something sweet. (Really? "If"?) Just three weeks ago the pips in the core have been discovered recently (regardless of when you read it) to contain friendly bacteria that is beneficial for the intestinal traffic and overall waist line.

People who tend to share such advice often claim it worked for them and that they speak from personal experience. And also tend to be women in their late thirties or later, often living alone with at least two cats, sometimes divorced and often quite fat that they have profile photos taken from one side on social media. All the other photos are of their cats, or from an exotic beach where they went many years ago, back when they could still jump unassisted for an original photo in mid-air, preferably surrounded by less attractive women or fit men. The other photos of beaches they do not appear in are accompanied by a Photoshopped sunset and dumb quotes from failed, talentless celebrities. Which is where the uplifting quotes come from to complete the circle of resources for switching to a wholesome life. And remember to drink at least 38 glasses of water each day. Preferably with unfiltered lemons, if I remember correctly.

Since this guide would be incomplete without my personal experience, here is what worked for me: I bought an expensive (success demands sacrifice) silicone sieve for steaming food in any regular pot. It did cost more than a separate electric steamer, but it seemed wasteful to buy another device. I started with some asparagus. First start with the harder, lower bits, wait for a few minutes and then add the tips (nice tip for you right here). Then wait some more. In my case it was a lot more, as I got sidetracked by some Cypress Hill videos and trying to keep up with lyrics. After a lot more time, all the water from the pot evaporated and the sieve started to carbonize, lending a nice chewy texture to the asparagus and a strong smoky flavour to the entire kitchen. One fire alarm later, I continued with the cooking. I remembered there was some salmon in the freezer which could be a nice match for both the remaining asparagus and a healthy diet. Not to brag, but my memory is fantastic; the use-by date on the salmon was about two years ago. Unimpressed by such scary supermarket tactics I decided to cook it in the oven, as the steaming options were severely limited at this point. And it turned out quite nicely, thank you. There you go, a nice meal that is also healthy. The following day, when it felt repetitive already, I gradually introduced other super-foods in the diet. I replaced the fish and asparagus diet with quinoa, which tastes amazing stir-fried and mixed with caramel on top of chocolate ice-cream. When other important activities kept me away from the kitchen and house I relied on peanut m&m's as great outdoor snacks. Nuts are a healthy and nutritious super-food. Another healthy option is Harribo, as long as you stay away from unhealthy ones like Cola and stick to the fruit-flavoured models. Fruit is good for you, it is rich in fibre.

There you have it. I shall leave you with the famous words of Bruce Jenner, who fought a long hard fight against male-specific health challenges and won spectacularly: "In order to achieve your life-long dream, you need to cut the evil from the root".

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