I rarely share personal experiences here. And I won't share one today, either. This is a story happening in the woods. It is about a little rabbit.
There was a little rabbit living in the woods. There are probably more than one, but the story is about a particular one, with short ears and white fur with grey spots. As inspiration hit a minor roadblock at this point, a wicked fox found quickly found out and now the little rabbit is no longer living there. Or anywhere.
Maybe it is time for a personal story.
There are things that can change your life in the course of a second. It's a strange feeling, one you'll never forget. Well, never assuming you live forever. And you manage to avoid Alzheimer or amnesia. Or your life is, indeed, so dull that this is so memorable for such a long time that it seems like forever -although strictly speaking it's not forever.
We met one evening, at some dancing gathering. It was quite late in the winter, it was cold and snowing outside but cozy inside. And it got even warmer and nicer when our eyes met across the room. There was something familiar in that look... And suddenly I remembered when we had met for the first time.
It happened somewhere in the mountains, two years before that dancing evening. There was no snow then, it was autumn and still warm and everything was green. I was walking on a secluded path enjoying the absence of other people when I noticed this cute little rabbit in a clearing. Usually they're shy and vanish quickly at the sight of people. But this time it stayed. It was curious and confused, and kept looking at me. It was in the middle of this precious moment when we first met. It was all sudden and quick, and it ended as quickly as it started. But it's an experience I'll never forget (see explanation above).
I thought I'd never see that fox again (I was talking about a fox, what were you thinking?). Especially at a dancing gathering during winter, among so many people. Foxes don't enjoy the company of people and during winter they fly south or somewhere warm (or drive, depending on their budget).
Sometimes I see that little rabbit in my dreams. It stays there and keeps looking at me. There is no blame in his eyes, it's only curiosity and confusion. If I tell people about the dream they say this is guilt for the death of an innocent being. But this little rabbit in my dreams is different; it's black with brown spots and has a white ear. And its ears are slightly longer. And people who claim they can interpret dreams are frauds, I never trusted them. After they give me their opinion I tell them in the dream the fox is chasing me, not the rabbit. And the little rabbit just stays there, watching us. Eating a proverbial carrot and recording everything with a Hero GoPro4 Black Edition. It's charming how it's struggling to handle the controls with its little paws. And it's surprising what I'm paying attention to while being chased by a fox. I don't trust foxes; they're worse than people who say they can interpret dreams. And one tried to sell me fake currency when I was visiting a foreign country.
Most of the time, though, I have dreams about being in school. I am never prepared for whatever homework I'm supposed to present and worry I would fail and have to study for the summer. Then I wake up relieved when I remember school has been out for many years. An ugly dream is a good way to start a beautiful day.
I guess it was a personal story after all. Or maybe it wasn't. Except for the part about the dragon allergic to unicorns and sandalwood. That was true.
Listening to Clint Mansell music when I'm making up true stories is complicated.
23 March, 2015
19 March, 2015
50 shades of Genghis
Of all the hilarious self-help 'literature' out there on the internet -the sort of drivel people share on Facebook as wisdom and on LinkedIn as career boosters- a recurring theme is how to handle conflicts in the workplace. From breathing techniques, asking key questions and triggering non-combative emotions, deflecting and maintaining a positive attitude, the list is comprehensive and will sound convincing to the weak mind. However, any person with enough common-sense and a healthy dose of paranoia will quickly spot obvious, glaring flaws. Or, to use the same elevated language, there is reasonable room for improvement.
Here are some of the holes in the conflict-tackling fabric.
Positive attitude.
Be open and friendly, they say, never be aggressive. A friendly face will disarm most people, it will make them question their bellicose intentions and have second thoughts about whatever was making them upset. And a warm, friendly voice will seal the deal in no-time.
Well, it's true; people tend to imitate, it's herd behavior.
What's also true is that an evil grimace works even better. And replace the friendly voice a hoarse whisper while you're playing with a blunt object and they won't even reach your desk/ cubicle. Or, if you want to play the friendly-voice card (or there are witnesses), there's always sarcasm.
Be prepared.
One of the most recommended techniques is to be "prepared" for conflict; avoid and dissipate it before things get out of hand. From Sun Tzu to Zack de la Rocha, it's common knowledge you should know your enemy. This is supposed to be easier if it's your manager or a colleague, or someone you work/ interact with on a regular basis. In time, you can and should look for patterns in their behavior and -once identified- divert and avoid the conflict before it even starts. Or something.
What surprises me is the lack of coverage for basic things that allow you to be prepared for the next conflict. For instance, finding out where they park their car and where they live. Or what park they take their pet or children to, their favorite restaurants and places, and so on. Nothing distracts a conflict-seeking person from starting a conflict more quickly than letting them know you do possess this sort of information. Needless to say (and this is exactly why I need to say it), discretion is of utmost importance. No witnesses, no emails, no texts. As HR strongly encourages, there's nothing better than face-to-face conversation. The appropriate emotions may be conveyed better like this. And there are no traces.
Divert.
Diversion takes people by surprise. Otherwise, it's not really diversion, is it? There's not a recipe for diversion, anything that disrupts will do. For instance, when lambasted why you don't take part the all-hands conferences or why you don't use the corporate-recommended signature in your emails, you may divert with "Should get a tea now or go out for a cigarette?" or "I wonder from what distance I could take someone's eye out with this letter opener." A very easy technique is to just leave, ideally before they're done talking. Who knows, maybe it is time for tea. If they're still there when you're back, maybe it's time for a smoke, too. Or to go home. For extra oomph, leave home without letting them know. Chances are they won't like it (unquestionably, you will like it), but on the other hand you give them plenty of time to cool off.
Be proactive.
Undo the wrong before they notice. Or apologize in advance if you think you're at fault. Try to minimize the damage. Fix it. Etc.
Well, this may work but it means you have to do some work, too. Which defeats the purpose. However, you may "compromise" and be proactive without doing too much: blame it on somebody else; find an alibi; start complaining about something before they get to; take a few sick days.
Other ways.
Well, the list is long. Longer than my attention span, anyway. So there you have it. Master a few of the above and you're golden.
And remember, sometimes conflicts can be immense fun. Mostly when you're winning, or when you know they've got nothing against you. Or when you've already handed in your leave notice.
Here are some of the holes in the conflict-tackling fabric.
Positive attitude.
Be open and friendly, they say, never be aggressive. A friendly face will disarm most people, it will make them question their bellicose intentions and have second thoughts about whatever was making them upset. And a warm, friendly voice will seal the deal in no-time.
Well, it's true; people tend to imitate, it's herd behavior.
What's also true is that an evil grimace works even better. And replace the friendly voice a hoarse whisper while you're playing with a blunt object and they won't even reach your desk/ cubicle. Or, if you want to play the friendly-voice card (or there are witnesses), there's always sarcasm.
Be prepared.
One of the most recommended techniques is to be "prepared" for conflict; avoid and dissipate it before things get out of hand. From Sun Tzu to Zack de la Rocha, it's common knowledge you should know your enemy. This is supposed to be easier if it's your manager or a colleague, or someone you work/ interact with on a regular basis. In time, you can and should look for patterns in their behavior and -once identified- divert and avoid the conflict before it even starts. Or something.
What surprises me is the lack of coverage for basic things that allow you to be prepared for the next conflict. For instance, finding out where they park their car and where they live. Or what park they take their pet or children to, their favorite restaurants and places, and so on. Nothing distracts a conflict-seeking person from starting a conflict more quickly than letting them know you do possess this sort of information. Needless to say (and this is exactly why I need to say it), discretion is of utmost importance. No witnesses, no emails, no texts. As HR strongly encourages, there's nothing better than face-to-face conversation. The appropriate emotions may be conveyed better like this. And there are no traces.
Divert.
Diversion takes people by surprise. Otherwise, it's not really diversion, is it? There's not a recipe for diversion, anything that disrupts will do. For instance, when lambasted why you don't take part the all-hands conferences or why you don't use the corporate-recommended signature in your emails, you may divert with "Should get a tea now or go out for a cigarette?" or "I wonder from what distance I could take someone's eye out with this letter opener." A very easy technique is to just leave, ideally before they're done talking. Who knows, maybe it is time for tea. If they're still there when you're back, maybe it's time for a smoke, too. Or to go home. For extra oomph, leave home without letting them know. Chances are they won't like it (unquestionably, you will like it), but on the other hand you give them plenty of time to cool off.
Be proactive.
Undo the wrong before they notice. Or apologize in advance if you think you're at fault. Try to minimize the damage. Fix it. Etc.
Well, this may work but it means you have to do some work, too. Which defeats the purpose. However, you may "compromise" and be proactive without doing too much: blame it on somebody else; find an alibi; start complaining about something before they get to; take a few sick days.
Other ways.
Well, the list is long. Longer than my attention span, anyway. So there you have it. Master a few of the above and you're golden.
And remember, sometimes conflicts can be immense fun. Mostly when you're winning, or when you know they've got nothing against you. Or when you've already handed in your leave notice.
16 March, 2015
Office Office
Based on almost scientific observations in several corporate zoos, a quick way to evaluate your position and importance in the office is... Office. Here's how.
As a keen new monkey in the open-space cage, you start working with Excel. You'll spend most of your time in there, doing actual work. Day in and day out -and often even during evenings and weekends- data input, processing and interpretation are your friends. Well, not your friends, but your cell-mates.
After a while, if you're a good monkey, you start climbing the corporate ladder and become more important. It's at this point that you'll be switching to Word. Excel is already too difficult and complicated to understand by the new monkeys you're rubbing elbows with now. You're still sharing a cage with them, but there's fewer of you in it, too.
Further on, as you climb even higher, you'll gently transition to PowerPoint. As the air at the top gets rarer and the bananas get sweeter, it's Word's turn to become obsolete, uncomfortable and complicated. PowerPoints are faster, shinier, shorter and lighter in content. These are your friends now. They check the tick-boxes your equally busy new colleagues enjoy. And if you're good enough, they'll assign you your own cage. With your name written on the door.
Sometimes, Project is sidetracking PowerPoint, but this is a niche more granular than I'm willing to delve and hence I'll skip it. Getting lost in details is a time-consuming mistake I generally like to avoid because there are more pleasant ways to waste time.
If you've been an even better monkey all this time and can make it even further, the next step is, well... is actually an ugly little tool you've had with you all this time. Oh yes, even before Excel. It was there since day one. It was the bearer of tasks. And bad news. And more tasks.
Yes, it's Outlook.
Once your worst enemy, it is now your best friend. Your only friend. It's the only thing you'll ever need to do your work. The circle is now complete, everything else in between is gone now: work, reports, presentations, colleagues, friends in the open-space, knowledge, skills. It's lonely at the top, sure, but it's also very comfy. Your corner cage is bigger, with bigger windows. Your new couch is softer. Your ass is both bigger and softer. Your secretary is pretty soft, too. And at the end of each year you get a new shiny toy.
Of course, if you're competent enough the trajectory will not be so smooth and your only circle will be the hamster-wheel of Excel and endless work. And mail. And hope that maybe one day downsizing will save you. There's always hope.
As a keen new monkey in the open-space cage, you start working with Excel. You'll spend most of your time in there, doing actual work. Day in and day out -and often even during evenings and weekends- data input, processing and interpretation are your friends. Well, not your friends, but your cell-mates.
After a while, if you're a good monkey, you start climbing the corporate ladder and become more important. It's at this point that you'll be switching to Word. Excel is already too difficult and complicated to understand by the new monkeys you're rubbing elbows with now. You're still sharing a cage with them, but there's fewer of you in it, too.
Further on, as you climb even higher, you'll gently transition to PowerPoint. As the air at the top gets rarer and the bananas get sweeter, it's Word's turn to become obsolete, uncomfortable and complicated. PowerPoints are faster, shinier, shorter and lighter in content. These are your friends now. They check the tick-boxes your equally busy new colleagues enjoy. And if you're good enough, they'll assign you your own cage. With your name written on the door.
Sometimes, Project is sidetracking PowerPoint, but this is a niche more granular than I'm willing to delve and hence I'll skip it. Getting lost in details is a time-consuming mistake I generally like to avoid because there are more pleasant ways to waste time.
If you've been an even better monkey all this time and can make it even further, the next step is, well... is actually an ugly little tool you've had with you all this time. Oh yes, even before Excel. It was there since day one. It was the bearer of tasks. And bad news. And more tasks.
Yes, it's Outlook.
Once your worst enemy, it is now your best friend. Your only friend. It's the only thing you'll ever need to do your work. The circle is now complete, everything else in between is gone now: work, reports, presentations, colleagues, friends in the open-space, knowledge, skills. It's lonely at the top, sure, but it's also very comfy. Your corner cage is bigger, with bigger windows. Your new couch is softer. Your ass is both bigger and softer. Your secretary is pretty soft, too. And at the end of each year you get a new shiny toy.
Of course, if you're competent enough the trajectory will not be so smooth and your only circle will be the hamster-wheel of Excel and endless work. And mail. And hope that maybe one day downsizing will save you. There's always hope.
12 March, 2015
Bland fisticuffs
This is not about global warming, but a bombastic start never hurts, right?
Right: global warning. Let's not mess about: it's common knowledge most of the greenhouse gas comes from farting cows. It's only natural for you and for the entire planet to give up meat, because this is all linked, man, you know?
Ironically, this knowledge comes mostly from another type of farting bovines. The main difference between them are the yoga pants, which one type doesn't wear and the other usually does, although in some cases the quadruped kind would look more appealing in them than their vocal biped vegetarian counterparts.
And in the opposite corner it's the if-you-don't-eat-meat-you'll-die folk. Because it's the proteins, man, know? Equally radical bunch, but opposite. And yet, the bovine mental associations return to mind. With less Lycra, though.
Although both so eloquent and rich in believable studies, these two camps reach rather divergent conclusions. I doubt the balance of truth tilts towards the proponents of aura cleansing through juicing raw quinoa or the butch beefcake squad, or if it just holds still on middle ground gastronomic common-sense symmetrically ignoring both extremes. But for the sake of such an irrelevant conflict, I'm all in for engaging either party in heated debate. Because the result is hilarious.
It's entertaining to watch raw-vegans boiling (get it?) over the slightest mentioning of a steak, but it's so refreshing. The only thing to top it off is offering tofu burgers to, well, you get it.
And that's it's. If you were expecting to find and answer or even a documented opinion, I'm happy to disappoint. But there's no need to milk a dry topic, really. It's that uninteresting.
Just stir it whenever possible, the debate is as fun as the subject is pointless. Best served cold, with a large audience.
Right: global warning. Let's not mess about: it's common knowledge most of the greenhouse gas comes from farting cows. It's only natural for you and for the entire planet to give up meat, because this is all linked, man, you know?
Ironically, this knowledge comes mostly from another type of farting bovines. The main difference between them are the yoga pants, which one type doesn't wear and the other usually does, although in some cases the quadruped kind would look more appealing in them than their vocal biped vegetarian counterparts.
And in the opposite corner it's the if-you-don't-eat-meat-you'll-die folk. Because it's the proteins, man, know? Equally radical bunch, but opposite. And yet, the bovine mental associations return to mind. With less Lycra, though.
Although both so eloquent and rich in believable studies, these two camps reach rather divergent conclusions. I doubt the balance of truth tilts towards the proponents of aura cleansing through juicing raw quinoa or the butch beefcake squad, or if it just holds still on middle ground gastronomic common-sense symmetrically ignoring both extremes. But for the sake of such an irrelevant conflict, I'm all in for engaging either party in heated debate. Because the result is hilarious.
It's entertaining to watch raw-vegans boiling (get it?) over the slightest mentioning of a steak, but it's so refreshing. The only thing to top it off is offering tofu burgers to, well, you get it.
And that's it's. If you were expecting to find and answer or even a documented opinion, I'm happy to disappoint. But there's no need to milk a dry topic, really. It's that uninteresting.
Just stir it whenever possible, the debate is as fun as the subject is pointless. Best served cold, with a large audience.
10 March, 2015
Wait for it...
There is an amazing ritual going on in few remote villages in the central part of the African continent. When a tiger cub is born the entire village sits around the fire all night and celebrate with singing and dancing the new god's coming into this world. Lions and tigers are considered to be divine spirits of the ancient warriors. It is said for the next seven days after no tiger will attack villagers that have taken part in the ritual, even if they happened to get lost -the villagers, not the tigers- in the woods.
Or at least that's what I'd say if I were a local and tourists bugged me with stupid questions. I would also let them know there's an upcoming ritual in a couple of days, which is very lucky and rare for this time of the year -there's actually one every week in full season, usually on Thursdays but it can be adjusted to follow the schedule of larger groups of tourists- and they are most welcome to it for free, as divinity loves everybody no matter where they're from. It's one of the most important events in the village, and not many are lucky to take part in it. This should keep them in the village for a few more days, giving them more opportunity to buy more magic fridge magnets, exotic spices and traditional products crafted items crafted by the villagers. Well, there is a possibility that the factory in China where the magic magnets and traditional products are being made is magic, so there could be some truth this. And although an untrained nose may not sniff differences between the exotic spices and the mixed-grill condiments at M&S, a keen eye will spot the 'exotic' ones are 4 to 7 times more expensive. Which has to stand for something, right? Right.
During the days before the ritual, many interesting activities may be arranged, such as trips around the village, or even in the village, observing the locals in their day-to-day activities, and giving a hand with day-to-day tasks like cooking or helping around. It's refreshing and almost emotional to see several fat blokes scorching outside in the sun, watching a pot of soup boiling over the fire made of wood they gathered and cut themselves not an hour ago. All this for a small amount of money they paid the host for their trouble, but in return they get to eat natural, unspoiled food. Which is awesome, right? Right. The money will help the villagers buy more food and it will also save them from the trouble of using the electric stove which can be problematic in hot days as the electric grid is already overloaded by the fans they keep on in houses where there are no tourists around.
Trips around the village may be also arranged to watch the wild animals roam free and admire the beautiful nature and landscapes. Well, not so many animals as it's still dry season, and the animals are hiding to protect themselves from the sun; the ginger hyena is particularly vulnerable, as is the emo cobra and the gray dermato-chimp; no, it's not made-up, who would do something like that? There's a different reasonable excuse for the wet season, too, but in reality the locals are not stupid to live very close to wild and dangerous animals. Not even near made-up wild animals, but that's their little secret.
Still, there's plenty of spectacular plants to see. The beanstalk that sparkles in the full moon during the rainy season is fascinating. Simply breath-taking, you should come again and see it then. Also, the grape pineapple has some leaves that at the beginning of dry season -not now, unfortunately, you just missed them- curl up and take a shape of a grape, hence the name. Giraffes eat only those, and the fruit will not be harmed. And after ten years since they have bloomed for the first time, the trunks of dwarf banana-trees no longer float in water. This is how the locals know which bananas are better. Young bananas are more flavorful, of course. Also fascinating is the effect on the price of pineapple, beans and young bananas tomorrow at the market. What? No, it was the same price the other day, honestly.
During the evening before the ritual they'd find out the presence of strangers might upset the divinity after all, but the elderly of village could probably sort this out for around 75$/ person. African tigers are very reasonable when it comes to foreign currency. And so are the drunkards that will sing gibberish and 'dance' wearing 'ceremonial clothing' for a couple of hours during the night in front of a fire for 10$.
All in all, a small price to pay for not knowing there are no tigers in Africa.
Or at least that's what I'd say if I were a local and tourists bugged me with stupid questions. I would also let them know there's an upcoming ritual in a couple of days, which is very lucky and rare for this time of the year -there's actually one every week in full season, usually on Thursdays but it can be adjusted to follow the schedule of larger groups of tourists- and they are most welcome to it for free, as divinity loves everybody no matter where they're from. It's one of the most important events in the village, and not many are lucky to take part in it. This should keep them in the village for a few more days, giving them more opportunity to buy more magic fridge magnets, exotic spices and traditional products crafted items crafted by the villagers. Well, there is a possibility that the factory in China where the magic magnets and traditional products are being made is magic, so there could be some truth this. And although an untrained nose may not sniff differences between the exotic spices and the mixed-grill condiments at M&S, a keen eye will spot the 'exotic' ones are 4 to 7 times more expensive. Which has to stand for something, right? Right.
During the days before the ritual, many interesting activities may be arranged, such as trips around the village, or even in the village, observing the locals in their day-to-day activities, and giving a hand with day-to-day tasks like cooking or helping around. It's refreshing and almost emotional to see several fat blokes scorching outside in the sun, watching a pot of soup boiling over the fire made of wood they gathered and cut themselves not an hour ago. All this for a small amount of money they paid the host for their trouble, but in return they get to eat natural, unspoiled food. Which is awesome, right? Right. The money will help the villagers buy more food and it will also save them from the trouble of using the electric stove which can be problematic in hot days as the electric grid is already overloaded by the fans they keep on in houses where there are no tourists around.
Trips around the village may be also arranged to watch the wild animals roam free and admire the beautiful nature and landscapes. Well, not so many animals as it's still dry season, and the animals are hiding to protect themselves from the sun; the ginger hyena is particularly vulnerable, as is the emo cobra and the gray dermato-chimp; no, it's not made-up, who would do something like that? There's a different reasonable excuse for the wet season, too, but in reality the locals are not stupid to live very close to wild and dangerous animals. Not even near made-up wild animals, but that's their little secret.
Still, there's plenty of spectacular plants to see. The beanstalk that sparkles in the full moon during the rainy season is fascinating. Simply breath-taking, you should come again and see it then. Also, the grape pineapple has some leaves that at the beginning of dry season -not now, unfortunately, you just missed them- curl up and take a shape of a grape, hence the name. Giraffes eat only those, and the fruit will not be harmed. And after ten years since they have bloomed for the first time, the trunks of dwarf banana-trees no longer float in water. This is how the locals know which bananas are better. Young bananas are more flavorful, of course. Also fascinating is the effect on the price of pineapple, beans and young bananas tomorrow at the market. What? No, it was the same price the other day, honestly.
During the evening before the ritual they'd find out the presence of strangers might upset the divinity after all, but the elderly of village could probably sort this out for around 75$/ person. African tigers are very reasonable when it comes to foreign currency. And so are the drunkards that will sing gibberish and 'dance' wearing 'ceremonial clothing' for a couple of hours during the night in front of a fire for 10$.
All in all, a small price to pay for not knowing there are no tigers in Africa.
06 March, 2015
The absence saga (Part VI)
Dear (well...) sender,
I'm on vacation, restoring the order in the unbalanced universe of work/life (with a strong focus on the latter). It's been a rather hectic universe lately, with life ignored in the back-seat and ultimately forgotten in the trunk. In the meantime, work has been taking over the wheel, driving on all available lanes in a way supposed to make my metaphor even more interesting. Due to lack of inspiration for interesting words when I thought of this, though, I'm aborting the analogy now. To sum things up: I'll be back in about 5 weeks, which may seem a like a long time now but if you're getting this a few days before I return it will not.
Based on the content of your email and my inbox, I will not reply immediately after my return; I'm expecting a lot of emails, or will find another credible excuse in case I forget to. If it cannot wait, you may send me an SMS, but please use this as last resort. And very, very sparingly. Also remember that good things come to those who wait. Once I waited for 4 months before I was able to go swimming, and when I finally got to do it it wasn't so exciting and I got out of the pool immediately (it was already late autumn and rather cold, which may have contributed somehow but doesn't rule out the other reasons). Similarly, if you think your email is no longer relevant by the time I come back you may recall the original message. Apologies are not required, I am a very understanding and kind person.
I'm on vacation, restoring the order in the unbalanced universe of work/life (with a strong focus on the latter). It's been a rather hectic universe lately, with life ignored in the back-seat and ultimately forgotten in the trunk. In the meantime, work has been taking over the wheel, driving on all available lanes in a way supposed to make my metaphor even more interesting. Due to lack of inspiration for interesting words when I thought of this, though, I'm aborting the analogy now. To sum things up: I'll be back in about 5 weeks, which may seem a like a long time now but if you're getting this a few days before I return it will not.
Based on the content of your email and my inbox, I will not reply immediately after my return; I'm expecting a lot of emails, or will find another credible excuse in case I forget to. If it cannot wait, you may send me an SMS, but please use this as last resort. And very, very sparingly. Also remember that good things come to those who wait. Once I waited for 4 months before I was able to go swimming, and when I finally got to do it it wasn't so exciting and I got out of the pool immediately (it was already late autumn and rather cold, which may have contributed somehow but doesn't rule out the other reasons). Similarly, if you think your email is no longer relevant by the time I come back you may recall the original message. Apologies are not required, I am a very understanding and kind person.
04 March, 2015
The ultimate exotic holiday survival guide
Part one: Introduction to Introduction
Based on estimations based on nothing, I'll live for about a hundred years and a bit. This means I'm quite far from midlife crisis, so for now I'll have to improvise one to avoid advice from people saying I'm in denial. Nobody is saying anything, but just in case.
I was never really interested in hot sport cars (sour grapes) or having an affair with the secretary (sour grapes. And sour personality). Extreme sports may hinder comfort and the smooth trajectory to a hundred years and a bit, I am not desperate enough to get a tattoo and I'm not patient enough to grow long hair.
Part two: Introduction
Alright, exotic trip it is; otherwise, the title would not be very relevant.
Part three: Planning
Planning is crucial for such a trip; in total, it took almost 2 years. More exactly, about 25 minutes split across almost 2 years. A good approach is to find a travel partner that's more interested than you in planning. In my case, pretty much anyone would qualify for this, including people with no interest to embark on such a trip.
The plan involved trekking in the jungle, sleeping outdoors in the jungle, snorkeling and diving (not in the jungle) and several other dangerous activities. The more responsible planner compiled a list of sundry necessary items for such endeavors, including trekking boots, compass, snorkeling gear, pocket knife, flashlight, insect repelling lotion, sun-blocking lotion, sleeping bag and so on. Having none of these, I brought a waterproof camera and some water sandals instead.
Part three: the urban jungle
Any serious visit to a new country starts with the capital. Here you have the most impressive buildings, the parliament/ king's palace, the more significant museums and other cultural or educational establishments. Despite all that, you have the main airport here so you don't really have much choice. There's also rampant prostitution -often of ambiguous nature and suggesting deviant reciprocity in sexual favors- and drugs, so it's not all bad.
There are all sorts of dangers in a big city, the first obvious one being fans and lamps attached to low ceilings constantly targeting my head (without me being racist or the country being Lilliput, I was generally taller than most people and only marginally shorter than many rooms). 5 such incidents occurred in the first morning alone, at breakfast. The second breakfast was much better, with a lower number of 0. Chiefly because we skipped it, due to laziness (and cocktails-laden dinner).
Having covered the capital, it was time to move on.
Part four: The jungle
The journey began by boat and continued on foot, on a secluded path hidden between a river and a bumpy road through the middle of a village. We came across an immense albino python at one point, which was rather scary as its owner asked for a lot of money to take photos wearing it around the neck.
Other wild animals we came across were mainly cows, chickens and elephants. Well, only one elephant. We didn't actually see it, but it was almost as good. We only heard some noise behind trees, and the guide said it was an elephant. We also saw some insects that were big enough to count as wild (as opposed to domestic insects, which are much smaller). We also had some for dinner (deep-fried, if you're curious. You're not? Never-mind, then), but they're not as tasty as one might imagine.
Up to this point, survival was possible without all the survival equipment I didn't have anyway, so no significant advice here.
The adventure culminated with being chased by indigenous tribes in the jungle, being chased by Nazis outside the jungle, poisonous snakes that seems to survive in a tomb without food or water. All this happened while I was watching Indiana Jones in a rooftop bar near a beach, which leads us to the next adventure: mysteries of the deep sea.
Part four (Beg pardon? OK, five): The deep sea
Here's where things can get dangerous: being in touristic areas, prices are significantly higher and everybody wants to rip you off, so make sure you haggle a bit. Another crucial piece of advice is that water sandals are great to avoid sea-urchins. They're particularly helpful if you actually wear them in water, and less so if you leave them on the beach (not many sea-urchins there).
In some places you may come across monkeys that will try to steal your stuff. This is true. In hindsight, it's better if everybody doesn't fall asleep on the beach at the same. Luckily, nothing was lost. Nothing from my stuff, at least. And monkeys are funny. When they steal stuff from somebody else.
A good place to avoid monkeys is under the water; scuba diving is a safe bet. Monkeys are not very good at handling the scuba gear. To be honest, I wasn't much better at it either, but I had an instructor. So here's another important piece of advice for survival: you probably have no chance with monkeys that can afford a diving instructor, try to keep away from them.
Diving is fun, but you're not supposed to do it if you're pregnant. I wasn't sure, but hoped for the best and went for it. It was spectacular, indeed: no monkeys there. Only some fish with impeccable manners.
Part six: The return
There are many proverbs to tell you how long journeys begin, but not as many to tell you how they end. Here's the penultimate piece of advice: a long journey usually ends up in the duty-free shops, trying to spend the last local currency you have on fridge magnets, cigarettes or alcohol. Most likely you're wearing the last clean clothes, you're exhausted and still have long flights ahead of you. And nobody will wait for you at the airport. Fortunately, vacation is over and on Monday you're going back to work; you'll get plenty of rest there.
Part seven: The end
The end.
Well, here's the last bit: If you can go see exotic places, don't worry too much about dangers. Just make sure to mind the obstacles on the ceiling if you're tall. Most of the times there are none, and you may miss amazing things if you stay at home. Enjoy...
Based on estimations based on nothing, I'll live for about a hundred years and a bit. This means I'm quite far from midlife crisis, so for now I'll have to improvise one to avoid advice from people saying I'm in denial. Nobody is saying anything, but just in case.
I was never really interested in hot sport cars (sour grapes) or having an affair with the secretary (sour grapes. And sour personality). Extreme sports may hinder comfort and the smooth trajectory to a hundred years and a bit, I am not desperate enough to get a tattoo and I'm not patient enough to grow long hair.
Part two: Introduction
Alright, exotic trip it is; otherwise, the title would not be very relevant.
Part three: Planning
Planning is crucial for such a trip; in total, it took almost 2 years. More exactly, about 25 minutes split across almost 2 years. A good approach is to find a travel partner that's more interested than you in planning. In my case, pretty much anyone would qualify for this, including people with no interest to embark on such a trip.
The plan involved trekking in the jungle, sleeping outdoors in the jungle, snorkeling and diving (not in the jungle) and several other dangerous activities. The more responsible planner compiled a list of sundry necessary items for such endeavors, including trekking boots, compass, snorkeling gear, pocket knife, flashlight, insect repelling lotion, sun-blocking lotion, sleeping bag and so on. Having none of these, I brought a waterproof camera and some water sandals instead.
Part three: the urban jungle
Any serious visit to a new country starts with the capital. Here you have the most impressive buildings, the parliament/ king's palace, the more significant museums and other cultural or educational establishments. Despite all that, you have the main airport here so you don't really have much choice. There's also rampant prostitution -often of ambiguous nature and suggesting deviant reciprocity in sexual favors- and drugs, so it's not all bad.
There are all sorts of dangers in a big city, the first obvious one being fans and lamps attached to low ceilings constantly targeting my head (without me being racist or the country being Lilliput, I was generally taller than most people and only marginally shorter than many rooms). 5 such incidents occurred in the first morning alone, at breakfast. The second breakfast was much better, with a lower number of 0. Chiefly because we skipped it, due to laziness (and cocktails-laden dinner).
Having covered the capital, it was time to move on.
Part four: The jungle
The journey began by boat and continued on foot, on a secluded path hidden between a river and a bumpy road through the middle of a village. We came across an immense albino python at one point, which was rather scary as its owner asked for a lot of money to take photos wearing it around the neck.
Other wild animals we came across were mainly cows, chickens and elephants. Well, only one elephant. We didn't actually see it, but it was almost as good. We only heard some noise behind trees, and the guide said it was an elephant. We also saw some insects that were big enough to count as wild (as opposed to domestic insects, which are much smaller). We also had some for dinner (deep-fried, if you're curious. You're not? Never-mind, then), but they're not as tasty as one might imagine.
Up to this point, survival was possible without all the survival equipment I didn't have anyway, so no significant advice here.
The adventure culminated with being chased by indigenous tribes in the jungle, being chased by Nazis outside the jungle, poisonous snakes that seems to survive in a tomb without food or water. All this happened while I was watching Indiana Jones in a rooftop bar near a beach, which leads us to the next adventure: mysteries of the deep sea.
Part four (Beg pardon? OK, five): The deep sea
Here's where things can get dangerous: being in touristic areas, prices are significantly higher and everybody wants to rip you off, so make sure you haggle a bit. Another crucial piece of advice is that water sandals are great to avoid sea-urchins. They're particularly helpful if you actually wear them in water, and less so if you leave them on the beach (not many sea-urchins there).
In some places you may come across monkeys that will try to steal your stuff. This is true. In hindsight, it's better if everybody doesn't fall asleep on the beach at the same. Luckily, nothing was lost. Nothing from my stuff, at least. And monkeys are funny. When they steal stuff from somebody else.
A good place to avoid monkeys is under the water; scuba diving is a safe bet. Monkeys are not very good at handling the scuba gear. To be honest, I wasn't much better at it either, but I had an instructor. So here's another important piece of advice for survival: you probably have no chance with monkeys that can afford a diving instructor, try to keep away from them.
Diving is fun, but you're not supposed to do it if you're pregnant. I wasn't sure, but hoped for the best and went for it. It was spectacular, indeed: no monkeys there. Only some fish with impeccable manners.
Part six: The return
There are many proverbs to tell you how long journeys begin, but not as many to tell you how they end. Here's the penultimate piece of advice: a long journey usually ends up in the duty-free shops, trying to spend the last local currency you have on fridge magnets, cigarettes or alcohol. Most likely you're wearing the last clean clothes, you're exhausted and still have long flights ahead of you. And nobody will wait for you at the airport. Fortunately, vacation is over and on Monday you're going back to work; you'll get plenty of rest there.
Part seven: The end
The end.
Well, here's the last bit: If you can go see exotic places, don't worry too much about dangers. Just make sure to mind the obstacles on the ceiling if you're tall. Most of the times there are none, and you may miss amazing things if you stay at home. Enjoy...
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