There's no sure way of avoiding spam, but there are 3 easy tips to avoid 90% of it: have a big penis, a college degree and an expensive watch.
Being gay or a woman also helps. Staying offline, being illiterate or a vegetarian helps, too. Come to think of it, it's pretty easy to avoid spam. We shouldn't complain.
And yet, there is a kind of spam that irritates me more than the pretty Russian girl bored tonight, the Nigerian lawyer or the Australian lottery: it's spam that comes from within the company.
They know where I work, they know my email address, they don't even give me an unsubscribe link. And they use a lot of pictures.
The bad part is that it's not even interesting. It's not about a cheap Rolex or videos of naked celebrities. It's not about making money quickly, although they actually know how to do it (it's by underpaying other employees). It's about great sales, fantastic acquisitions, corporate initiatives that would turn me into a happy monkey, about women leadership in the workplace and other crap (by the way, I'm not against women leadership, but if we're all equal how come I never get emails about men leadership, too?).
I'd read emails from the CEO if they mentioned how to get a big house or at least the Rolex. I'd click on the links in the email from the CFO to see her naughty pictures from the Xmas party. I'm kidding, of course: we didn't have an Xmas party. It's crisis, remember?
The closest they ever came to something interesting was when they mentioned sexual minorities. I read that one, but it didn't have links to seeing them in hot action, or at least a toolbar to help me look them up on the intranet. They just mentioned we had them. Yawn.
I still wouldn't read emails from Sales, though. They don't even know it's crisis, and their numbers are spectacular.
And one more thing to add injury to the offense: they don't even bother to guess or mis-spell my name, it's not even Dear Corporate Monkey or Dear Addressbook. My notification emails about server X high on memory or database Y low on disk space are more personal, interesting and honest. It's more boring than death-by-Powerpoint. But it happens in Outlook. And more often. And is giving me headaches. Do you know where I can get cheap Vicodin?
16 December, 2009
11 August, 2009
Movies, part 2
In teenage movies the outcast geek gets his ass kicked till the end and then a short line says He pursued his dream and made a multimillion dollar software company by the age of 30. In fact, chances are he's still living with his mom and downloading porn. I'm all in for downloading porn, but this is not the point.
This summer I went with some friends to a festival in a small town.
We got there to find out our reservations were nowhere to be found (just like Indians). We looked one up in local guide and managed to find one. Rooms were cheaper than in our nonexistent reservation, so everything seemed to work out fine. However... (what, were you expecting something bad?), it did, as we found out the bands were staying in the very same hotel. We were just heading to see NIN, when someone recognized the vocalist from Primal Scream in front of the hotel. And next morning we noticed Robin Finck leaving his room, which was 3 rooms away from from my mine. We met him again a bit later in front of the elevator. As I'm a polite person, I approached him and asked if it was ok to harass him. He smiled, I said I didn't want to bother him with autographs on my tits, I congratulated him for the show (one of the best concerts I've been to), then I said I also liked him in GnR and left outside where someone in our group was smoking.
A few minutes later we also noticed Trent, but he was with his wife (or girlfriend, I have no idea) so we kept the distance. I imagine on the way to the airport Robin said to Trent "I have 2 fans here. That's 2 more than you have".
The next morning, the same situation, but a bit different, with The Prodigy. Keith didn't want to hold the elevator for me (although there was plenty of room), which is probably the norm for chavs. I saw them again at the reception, we were checking out at the same time. I'm sorry I didn't have the inspiration to ask them for an autograph on a roll of t.p. I had with me to clean something at the engine.
What can I say, just like in the movies...
This summer I went with some friends to a festival in a small town.
We got there to find out our reservations were nowhere to be found (just like Indians). We looked one up in local guide and managed to find one. Rooms were cheaper than in our nonexistent reservation, so everything seemed to work out fine. However... (what, were you expecting something bad?), it did, as we found out the bands were staying in the very same hotel. We were just heading to see NIN, when someone recognized the vocalist from Primal Scream in front of the hotel. And next morning we noticed Robin Finck leaving his room, which was 3 rooms away from from my mine. We met him again a bit later in front of the elevator. As I'm a polite person, I approached him and asked if it was ok to harass him. He smiled, I said I didn't want to bother him with autographs on my tits, I congratulated him for the show (one of the best concerts I've been to), then I said I also liked him in GnR and left outside where someone in our group was smoking.
A few minutes later we also noticed Trent, but he was with his wife (or girlfriend, I have no idea) so we kept the distance. I imagine on the way to the airport Robin said to Trent "I have 2 fans here. That's 2 more than you have".
The next morning, the same situation, but a bit different, with The Prodigy. Keith didn't want to hold the elevator for me (although there was plenty of room), which is probably the norm for chavs. I saw them again at the reception, we were checking out at the same time. I'm sorry I didn't have the inspiration to ask them for an autograph on a roll of t.p. I had with me to clean something at the engine.
What can I say, just like in the movies...
16 June, 2009
Irony
All movies today are remakes or sequels. The movie industry has learned a lot from the porn movie industry, apparently. And while I doubt we'll see D.I.L.F. Vader gagged and Yoda explaining how his light saber turned midget-green in Episode 48: Soccer-Granny Leia, I don't have an interesting ending for this phrase, actually.
One interesting thing about remakes is that characters keep up with modern times. Jedi masters dress like pimps, talk like chavs and advice pushers to think about their life. Spiderman gets pissy and everything in general is post-911. The Duke will probably quit smoking, the Godfather will shop at Walmart and Jaws will be very boring due to global warming. And even the next Batmobile will be Superman-friendly.
Jake Torrance gets a GPS but he'll still freeze his ass in the maze because he doesn't know how to use it.
In the movie Sleepers, 4 boys do something stupid and they're sent to juvenile jail. They get molested there by the wardens. The only person to understand, help and protect them is a priest. As I said in the title: irony... If they were to do Sleepers 2, De Niro could cover Bacon's part, too.
One interesting thing about remakes is that characters keep up with modern times. Jedi masters dress like pimps, talk like chavs and advice pushers to think about their life. Spiderman gets pissy and everything in general is post-911. The Duke will probably quit smoking, the Godfather will shop at Walmart and Jaws will be very boring due to global warming. And even the next Batmobile will be Superman-friendly.
Jake Torrance gets a GPS but he'll still freeze his ass in the maze because he doesn't know how to use it.
In the movie Sleepers, 4 boys do something stupid and they're sent to juvenile jail. They get molested there by the wardens. The only person to understand, help and protect them is a priest. As I said in the title: irony... If they were to do Sleepers 2, De Niro could cover Bacon's part, too.
07 June, 2009
Internet cent-et-un
During a presentation I've attended last Friday some guy said it's easier for you to write code if your native language is English. Folks from other... points on the map may argue, but their Engrish is intelligible, so who can understand them anyway? Wait! Before anyone gets offended (I'll get to that in a bit) I don't agree with that guy (and now we can move on to some proper offense), but the French do.
There are many examples to easily dismiss the theory, and keep in mind in some cases even the alphabet is a lot different to the English one. But the French, being... well... French, decided it's true and in order to fix the discrepancy all things must be French-accessible. Which means that if you happen to have une carte mère or un souris that's not recognized by Fenêtres, you need to télécharge and installe les chauffeurs in order to make it work. Chances are you won't find them on Minitel though, and you'll still need to go on the Internet for them (if Al Gore is the father on the Internet, probably Pif or Rahan is the mother*).
This is a true story: about 7 years ago, during the times when sound was not onboard by default, I had bought a Muse card from Hercules. I remembered this story today, just like other people remember when they're 40 how their uncle used to touch them (7 years ago)...
If the guys at IBM that invented the hard-disk had worn berets and eaten baguettes, we'd probably have called them disques durs (and if they were invented today, we'd probably call them हार्ड डिस्क). Luckily for the rest of the world, they didn't. And this is why they're not pink and don't smell like flowers.
Let's just stick to hard-disk, a bit of consistency didn't kill anyone. My native language is not English, but it's easier to type hdd than looking for keyboard shortcuts for crazy letters or drawing nunchuck shapes that express the platter.
If you wonder if I'd ever work in France, the answer's "Hell, oui!". Good food, 50 days vacation and other 300 days off per year for various saints. Plus, it's safe, no hackers there; every piece of code starts with #include <sacrebleu.>, because the French don't believe in the letter h, and it crashes before interpreting GOTO virus vilain.
* Fun fact: while you're on the internet, look for "find Chuck Norris" on Google.fr. The result will read "Le Google ne recherche d'Inspecteur Farfouille, car il sait que vous ne trouvez pas Inspecteur Farfouille, il vous trouve".
Remember to always use un pare-feu when you go on the Internet
There are many examples to easily dismiss the theory, and keep in mind in some cases even the alphabet is a lot different to the English one. But the French, being... well... French, decided it's true and in order to fix the discrepancy all things must be French-accessible. Which means that if you happen to have une carte mère or un souris that's not recognized by Fenêtres, you need to télécharge and installe les chauffeurs in order to make it work. Chances are you won't find them on Minitel though, and you'll still need to go on the Internet for them (if Al Gore is the father on the Internet, probably Pif or Rahan is the mother*).
This is a true story: about 7 years ago, during the times when sound was not onboard by default, I had bought a Muse card from Hercules. I remembered this story today, just like other people remember when they're 40 how their uncle used to touch them (7 years ago)...
If the guys at IBM that invented the hard-disk had worn berets and eaten baguettes, we'd probably have called them disques durs (and if they were invented today, we'd probably call them हार्ड डिस्क). Luckily for the rest of the world, they didn't. And this is why they're not pink and don't smell like flowers.
Let's just stick to hard-disk, a bit of consistency didn't kill anyone. My native language is not English, but it's easier to type hdd than looking for keyboard shortcuts for crazy letters or drawing nunchuck shapes that express the platter.
If you wonder if I'd ever work in France, the answer's "Hell, oui!". Good food, 50 days vacation and other 300 days off per year for various saints. Plus, it's safe, no hackers there; every piece of code starts with #include <sacrebleu.>, because the French don't believe in the letter h, and it crashes before interpreting GOTO virus vilain.
* Fun fact: while you're on the internet, look for "find Chuck Norris" on Google.fr. The result will read "Le Google ne recherche d'Inspecteur Farfouille, car il sait que vous ne trouvez pas Inspecteur Farfouille, il vous trouve".
Remember to always use un pare-feu when you go on the Internet
04 May, 2009
The management consultant hits the fan.
I read the other day somewhere some lady's recipe for being successful and happy with your work or something in 6 easy steps. This lady is a management consultant, so anything she says must be insightful, intelligent and very useful in your career. The first insightful, intelligent and very useful idea is that it's all a matter of attitude, of the way you think about your day the first moment you wake up. If you think "I'll be unhappy", your day won't be that great. If you think "It'll be fabulous", it will certainly be this way.
First of all, if you think your day will be fabulous you are probably gay. If you're offended by the word, think it's an adjective and keep a joyful attitude.
Second of all, so far I thought my day sucked because of some idiots that happened to be a part of it.
No matter how nice I try to imagine my day will be, chances are I won't be banging a hot secretary during lunch break, take a piss in the conference room, quit my job and get home to my mansion in a 911 to never work again. I tried so hard to imagine this, but nothing so far. Usually the secretary comes to me because she forgot her password or needs for the hundredth time to see how to book the conference room in calendar.
The closest I got once was to quit and go home in a cab because it was raining as hell.
There are 5 other ideas marked with headlines in a different font -in bold, of course- and with very nice bullets, so I had to stop reading. Anyway, my guess is that lady consultant is very ugly. Otherwise she could have come up with a single, very easy step.
First of all, if you think your day will be fabulous you are probably gay. If you're offended by the word, think it's an adjective and keep a joyful attitude.
Second of all, so far I thought my day sucked because of some idiots that happened to be a part of it.
No matter how nice I try to imagine my day will be, chances are I won't be banging a hot secretary during lunch break, take a piss in the conference room, quit my job and get home to my mansion in a 911 to never work again. I tried so hard to imagine this, but nothing so far. Usually the secretary comes to me because she forgot her password or needs for the hundredth time to see how to book the conference room in calendar.
The closest I got once was to quit and go home in a cab because it was raining as hell.
There are 5 other ideas marked with headlines in a different font -in bold, of course- and with very nice bullets, so I had to stop reading. Anyway, my guess is that lady consultant is very ugly. Otherwise she could have come up with a single, very easy step.
08 April, 2009
Going mainstream
I don't have any idea what I'm going to put in this, but I like the title; it draws attention and sounds interesting; I guess I am an awesome writer. Today's story is how to make everyone pay attention to your presentation during a meeting as quickly as possible.
Hmm... There are several ways, but I think the easiest one is to take your penis out. Especially if you're a woman.
Unless you're American. They respect your right to express yourself. Unless you're an Arab.
Oh yes, I am such an awesome writer.
Hmm... There are several ways, but I think the easiest one is to take your penis out. Especially if you're a woman.
Unless you're American. They respect your right to express yourself. Unless you're an Arab.
Oh yes, I am such an awesome writer.
07 March, 2009
A long long time ago lived a beautiful princess... and one day she got married
Since it all happened a long long time ago, she should be dead by now. The average life expectancy for a princess is shorter than "long long". And is she were still alive, she'd be one old ugly princess.
On a more cheerful note, there's this financial thing going on these days and it affected the company so badly that upper management barely managed to buy a new fleet of cars for the upper management before letting the employees know there are some sacrifices to be done until it's gone. There's a Faith no More concert this summer I'd like to go to and I hope it's all over by then so I can go to my boss and take a few days off without having him saying it's the crisis and I need to work hard.
Also happening this summer is a wedding of some guy I know. This isn't actually the first wedding in my circle of friends but I haven't been invited to the others so far because my attendance would have caused uncomfortable situations for the bride.
This guy and I go a while back and I like him, but his wedding I do not. There's something extremely irritating about weddings, starting with them being scheduled way ahead, at least 3 months to a year. If you know you'll take vaccine shot in 100 days you have to think about it from time to time and it just sucks, even if it's good for you. Just tell me the wedding happens tonight and that's it.
For the happy event I'm supposed to wear a tie and shirt. Doesn't matter it's mid-summer and 45°C, you have to dress nicely because everybody else will dress nicely. I haven't worn a suit in 3 years, and I don't even have one in my wardrobe anymore; the last one I had was an old-fashioned one and I had it from an uncle. I only wore it at job interviews (some of them successful) and funerals (none of them successful) but it stopped fitting me some 10kgs ago. I think I still have some dungarees somewhere, though.
You can't have a proper wedding without music. For a little experiment, put 10 people in a room with some music and chances are you'll end up listening to some crap in less than 10 minutes. Even if the majority agrees on the selection and enjoys it, I'm probably in the minority and it will suck for me anyway.
Since you have more than a hundred people at a wedding and some of them are quite old (parents, grandparents and other relatives unless the groom and bride are both orphans) so it's a very grim outlook.
But just before the actual wedding, there's the... yes, you've guessed it, it's the church going. I won't get into the idiocy of this tradition, but the ceremony itself is more boring than an accountant's 72-slides PowerPoint. Should it be a christening, at least there's a chance you'll see the toddler piss on the priest at some point (if the priest's Catholic he'll probably get even in about 5-8 years). At a wedding all you get to look at is a crowd listening to an old guy dressed like a pimp. And if you're lucky to be close to one of the weds, you'll end up carrying a huge candle or some flowers during the whole ordeal. When you finally get out they'll kiss and everyone will be throwing rice on them.
There's your wedding. When someone in your circle of friends gets married, expect others to follow. Soon.
On a more cheerful note, there's this financial thing going on these days and it affected the company so badly that upper management barely managed to buy a new fleet of cars for the upper management before letting the employees know there are some sacrifices to be done until it's gone. There's a Faith no More concert this summer I'd like to go to and I hope it's all over by then so I can go to my boss and take a few days off without having him saying it's the crisis and I need to work hard.
Also happening this summer is a wedding of some guy I know. This isn't actually the first wedding in my circle of friends but I haven't been invited to the others so far because my attendance would have caused uncomfortable situations for the bride.
This guy and I go a while back and I like him, but his wedding I do not. There's something extremely irritating about weddings, starting with them being scheduled way ahead, at least 3 months to a year. If you know you'll take vaccine shot in 100 days you have to think about it from time to time and it just sucks, even if it's good for you. Just tell me the wedding happens tonight and that's it.
For the happy event I'm supposed to wear a tie and shirt. Doesn't matter it's mid-summer and 45°C, you have to dress nicely because everybody else will dress nicely. I haven't worn a suit in 3 years, and I don't even have one in my wardrobe anymore; the last one I had was an old-fashioned one and I had it from an uncle. I only wore it at job interviews (some of them successful) and funerals (none of them successful) but it stopped fitting me some 10kgs ago. I think I still have some dungarees somewhere, though.
You can't have a proper wedding without music. For a little experiment, put 10 people in a room with some music and chances are you'll end up listening to some crap in less than 10 minutes. Even if the majority agrees on the selection and enjoys it, I'm probably in the minority and it will suck for me anyway.
Since you have more than a hundred people at a wedding and some of them are quite old (parents, grandparents and other relatives unless the groom and bride are both orphans) so it's a very grim outlook.
But just before the actual wedding, there's the... yes, you've guessed it, it's the church going. I won't get into the idiocy of this tradition, but the ceremony itself is more boring than an accountant's 72-slides PowerPoint. Should it be a christening, at least there's a chance you'll see the toddler piss on the priest at some point (if the priest's Catholic he'll probably get even in about 5-8 years). At a wedding all you get to look at is a crowd listening to an old guy dressed like a pimp. And if you're lucky to be close to one of the weds, you'll end up carrying a huge candle or some flowers during the whole ordeal. When you finally get out they'll kiss and everyone will be throwing rice on them.
There's your wedding. When someone in your circle of friends gets married, expect others to follow. Soon.
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