Recently at the office I watched an educational film from the late '80s on how you can turn a failing business a multi-million-dollar business in less than forty minutes. The film was exactly forty minutes long, but there was no relevant advice during the credits section. With a bit of smart scrolling through the timeline (you will understand later why), you can master the secrets of becoming successful in any business in fifteen minutes*. For free. Well, it probably was not free when it was launched, but now it is on YouTube (thank you, Youtube, I do not want to try now your paid subscription). Anyway, prepare to change your life and from now on your only worry will be which type of veneer you should choose for the deck of your yacht** or which colour to choose for your new office-golf set.
Before we start, you should remember is that eighties cheesy synthesiser music is a must for success in mastering the art of doing business. Bonus: it goes great with yellow all-caps text that fills half the screen. This is where the key points are; pay attention!
Bob was just promoted to line manager. It was always a Bob back then. Or a Dan. Of course, it could have been Sandeep, or Sarah, or Ngandu, but this was in the eighties. So, it is Bob. He is a nice guy from Engineering, currently a manager. He is as surprised as anyone else, except for Charles. Charles is the CEO. He is white and male, too, but he has a longer name. Also not very surprised by the promotion is Denise, Bob's wife. She is having an affair with Charles and thought that such a promotion should be keeping Bob busy at work. Plus a bit more money in the household... Win-win. In all fairness, I did not see this in the film, but it is probably in one of the sections I skipped. Since she married an engineer, she is probably not very good-looking, hence I did not bother to scroll back and check. Charles does not find her attractive either, for him it is a thing of power. I know better websites where you can find more attractive women involved with their husband's boss, but the web filter is blocking them at work. Damn you, corporate firewall!
Anyway...
In the past months, business was not doing great. Sales were declining, inventory was piling up in the warehouses, customers were not happy, employees were getting frustrated.
Bob is not very sure where to start. He asks for a one-on-one meeting with Charles to ask for advice. Being a true leader, Charles starts with generic advice that sounds interesting but is useless, like "look at the big picture". Then sends him to talk to Cecille in finance (of course she works in finance, her name is Cecille) to take a look at the production flow in order to identify bottlenecks. Bottlenecks are the enemy of lean production (this is an important lesson, it twirled in an animation and filled the screen for about 5 seconds). Charles exits scene, probably heading for another one-on-one with Denise.
Bob proceeds to talk to Cecille, who sends him to consult Donovan in the factory warehouse and Mike in Sales and Marketing. These crucial holders of relevant information (well, except Mike; he is in Sales and Marketing, after all) provide him with numbers and charts. Bob nods but is not thoroughly convinced.
The weekend finds Bob not happy with his progress, worried he might not be doing a great job. Denise reminds him he is supposed to go on a trip with their son's boy-scouts group in the forest. Yeah, right; anything to get poor Bob out of the house. Denise, you cheating cow! However, Charles decides to spend the day with his buddies playing golf and smoking cigars in the restaurant over a lavish dinner.
Meanwhile, Bob is wandering in the woods with a bunch of kids. This is during the eighties, it is not a problem until thirty years later. The problem is that their pace is slower than estimated; if they keep on like that there is no chance they can complete the hike before sunset. Bob has a flashback from his discussions during the week and remembers that in situations like this he should look for bottlenecks. In this case the bottleneck is Georgie, a fat kid whining and gasping for air while struggling uphill. Since the kids are supposed to stay together, he is slowing everybody down. Bob notices Georgie is carrying an enormous backpack. Upon inspection, he redistributes the heavier content to other kids that were carrying less despite being stronger and more fit than poor Georgie. After this shuffle, the pace improves considerably, the children make it to the cabin on time, enjoy a nice dinner and tell stories by the camp-fire. Most likely about Debbie, the classroom cheerleader, who has started wearing bras and hanging out with older kids. The boys are wondering if she could get pregnant from kissing with that guy from the football team behind the gym on Thursday or whether they might get tickets for the next Michael Jackson concert. I cannot be certain, because their dialogue fades out and the cheesy music and animation combo takes over to remind you how crucial it is to eliminate bottlenecks.
This was an interesting turn of events; based on my experience in the workplace a more likely scenario would include firing Georgie for slowing the team down, throwing out all his stuff in a bush and enjoying the increased productivity. By the time the boys (except for Georgie) reach the camp, they notice that the pots for preparing dinner were in Georgie's backpack, along with crucial ingredients and the tasty snacks. Everyone goes to bed hungry and irritated, hoping that Georgie gets mauled by a bear and eaten slowly. In the mean-time, Georgie recovers his things -and as the road back is downhill- he gets back to town quickly, happy that he has the rest of the afternoon off and a big back of sugary treats.
The following Monday, while the kids at school are bullying the crap out of Georgie for making them carry his stuff, Bob is telling Charles the episode with Georgie and how he fixed the problem. He somehow managed to take the same approach in the second assembly line and has improved production by reducing the wait times for machine P385B. Charles does not seem to notice how that was possible between Saturday afternoon and Monday morning, given that the factory is closed during weekends; probably the backstabbing bastard has other things on his mind. He congratulates Bob for the progress and tells him to continue with the quality control and customer satisfaction. After this, the boss walks out of the office, leaving Bob with a confident smile and a full-screen text regarding customer loyalty being of utmost importance for the success of any product.
The boss walks in, and everything must be put on hold for now.
If this sounds confusing, let me explain: this is my boss, in real-life, not in the film. I hit pause quickly before bringing up an Excel window and put on a busy face while selecting random columns. Oh! He only wanted to say he was attending a meeting in another office and would not be back before the end of the day.
At this point, I had to speed things up; it is a well-known productivity rule to never spend more than four minutes in the office after the boss has left the building.
To sum up before I leave: avoid bottlenecks, optimise production, pay attention to quality and customer satisfaction, be careful with the marketing campaigns and deliver quickly. Also, be careful with that back-stabbing bitch, either at home or at work (never trust the sales guy)!
*Note: In my case it took under two hours; after the first 8 minutes I was exhausted and went for a sandwich and nap in a small conference room.
**Note: I skipped the ending, but I imagine Bob bought a yacht.
***Note: As you may see, I am not asterisks-adverse. This would have killed in the eighties. Not like Pol Pot, though.
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