A useless guide to haggling nice gifts from Santa

Right off the bat, this may not be for you. While pushing away a potentially large part of my audience is not necessarily a good thing, I thought I should be honest with you. This is another bad thing, but I will not be covering this here. Or I do not think I will; I have not made up my mind about the narrative yet. That being said, we'll see how it goes as we go.

If you do not believe in Santa, this is probably not for you. If you do believe in Santa but are Jewish, this is a bit more complicated. If you do believe in Santa and your parents are Jewish, this is even more complicated. If your parents are Jewish and you are not, or if you are Jewish and your parents are not, this should not come as a shock, but you are adopted. Still, it could be worse; you could be Jewish, and your parents could be followers of the Islam.
If you do believe in Santa and you are more than 5 years old, again: there may be some problems, regardless of your or your *cough* parents' beliefs.
Come to think of it, the right audience is children below five whose parents are neither cheap nor followers of an intense religion. After subtracting from this the lot those that cannot read yet, my audience is around 10 people at best. Which is still more than my regular audience...

Anyway, let's cut straight to the chase. A normal exchange with Santa would likely go like this.

"Dear Santa,
My name is Lulu. I am 4 years old I have been a good girl this year. For this Christmas I would like a new doll, the blonde princess from Disney. She would be my best friend forever. I would also like a magic kitchen, a pony and lots and lots of chocolate.
I can't wait for your gifts.
Love, Lulu."

Ah, sweet Lulu! Let us see how successful she was at melting Santa's heart (and budget).

"Dear Claire,
Everyone says they have been a good girl, including your mommy, who obviously was not. This is why 3 different milkmen have been at your house this year, even though there isn't even a milk delivery service in your area. Maybe you should think twice why mommy sends you to buy milk from the grocery store when the nice milkman comes around to visit her.
Anyway, that aside, every year you are asking me to bring you a doll to be your best friend. And even though you have no other friends, every year that doll ends up in the garbage before February and stuck in a reef before June. Given your brief attention span, I fear the pony would meet a similar fate. The only difference being a glue factory or a high-end grocery chain instead of a reef. In the latter scenario at least, you could see him again when you go shopping for milk. Speaking of which, you should consider regular instead of the chocolate caramel range every once in a while. I know you're only 5, but it's already very difficult to find a kitchen for you to fit in, magic or not. And my sleigh sure as hell is not magic enough to carry it anyway; I would surely need to swap the reindeers with a long-haul truck. And a small lorry for the chocolate. Which, again, I strongly urge you to reconsider. For your own sake. And, who knows, you might even make some real friends after this. It's nice to have someone to help in case you have a stroke.

So how about a wooden doll and a bag of oranges? If anything, there is less risk of a turtle swallowing doll parts once you get bored with it. And let's we skip the magic kitchen completely? A kitchen is probably the last thing you need right now.

Santa"

Hardly optimal, is it, Lulu? Santa got all your wishes wrong. And your appetite, too. Heck, he even got your name and age wrong. Well, this is where my help comes in.

"Hey, Santa.
To say I was gravely disappointed by your reply would be a gross understatement. You might be interested to know that my name is Lulu, and not Claire. You might be also interested to know that I know the truth about the milkmen. And that I recognize you as one of them. And you know who else might be interested about them (and you)? Daddy. Remember daddy? Well, he got back from the seas at the end of summer and we are spending Christmas together this year.

How about that, huh? The eyes of a child may be innocent, but they do see a lot of things. Remember last Christmas? Well, I sure do. You brought that magic rolling pin with batteries for mommy last year. And then you showed her how to use it. On several occasions, until April. Therefore, I am expecting my magic kitchen this year, alright? Or at least a mini fridge stocked with chocolates. Along with the pony and doll. And don't you worry about my friends and health! It's my enemies you should be worried about.

As for the oranges, you may feed them to your reindeers. The extra energy might help you arrive on time this year instead of blaming Amazon Prime.

We can skip the love for now. Lulu."

After some serious after-thought, I have made up my mind about the narrative and decided to not pursue here the subject of being honest, after all. Somehow, it looks like it is not suited for the occasion.