Struggle

This is serious. You do not know it yet, but it is.
You do not even know what it is when you find it. It just is. Right there, with you. It was an accident, new and confusing. It felt good, though. You want to understand it. You want it to happen again.
But how?

You cannot ask your parents about it. Nor anyone else that could guide you through the maze. You are at a point in life when so many things are happening, but you cannot tell them about a kiss, let alone this. You would not even trust your best friends with such secret. But you do ask, eventually. And they are just as clueless as you are. Some may have done it already, too. For some, that time has not come yet. Regardless, no one is the wiser. Some pretend to.
They aren't.

It is all right, it is not yet the time for you to know. Nor them. You have barely escaped your cocoon and walked a few steps in the dark. Enlightenment is still far. True knowledge is not here for now. It comes later in life. And even then, it is too fragile. Too volatile to put your finger on it and say "there it is".

But then, it happens. Again. When you least expect it. Always caught by surprise. But it does not matter. All that matters is that it is here with you. All you know is that it feels good. It does not matter you still can not fully grasp it. You are on top of the world and enjoying every moment of it. No time to spend on thinking of consequences. You do not even fathom the possibility. You only know it is getting better and better.
You are getting better and better.

And then, you plateau. You still want it, of course. But... Maybe, just maybe, a smidge less? Maybe it is the novelty that has worn off. But then, as time goes by, sometimes you almost feel like you had enough for now. Maybe later. Maybe another day.
Until one day...

That cursed day. The day when you lose control. When it all falls apart. Suddenly, the beautiful universe collapses. You have lost control. And this time it is not like in the beginning. It is no longer something that secret only you knew and cherished. Now you feel exposed. You feel like everybody knows your secret. And nobody can understand your pain and the shame. Fear settles in. You are struggling for a catch of breath. You clench every fiber of every muscle in your body. With surgical precision, you are struggling to fill the void. To avoid the unavoidable. But it is too late now.
You are suffocating.

But it is not too late. Tomorrow is another day, and you are still alive. Yesterday's memory still hurts, but not as much. As time goes by, it becomes bearable. It fades away. And while you never forget it, you learn to live with it.
You even get the courage to try again.

From the moment when you caught that first glimpse of joy to the darkest hour, the blessed of us have been there, too. We got drunk in the blissful moments and fought through the darker ones.
From the first time. To the last. And all the times in between. Basking in the warm, mysterious, light or drowning in the dark unknown.

But no matter where you were, the answer was always there with you.
Grapes and yogurt.