07 June, 2014

As opposed to

No foreplay, this is also about a movie. A more recent one, depending on when you're reading, about Emily Blunt traveling in time.

Even when it's not for real (it's never for real, actually, as confirmed by Professor Hawking), time traveling is no easy task, you cannot just go in at once. It takes patience and perseverance.You start first by skewing time a bit (The Adjustment Bureau), then do it a couple of times (Looper), and only then you're ready to go back and forth on a daily basis. Judging by the trend, she must be quite disappointed with the present.

Unfortunately the future is not much better, as it involves war, total destruction and robots from France (they are ugly and have tentacles so you would be forgiven to mistake them for actual Frenchmen, but it is explained in the movie). Worse, you discover that frequent time travel involves an annoying midget following you everywhere, no matter how many times you try to kill him. I will not spoil the story too much by telling he's Tom Cruise, the writers have done a much better job at spoiling the story already.

Like most of the movies this summer, it begins with Messi doing tricks with a can of Pepsi. Then some more ads, some trailers, where the hell did I put those 3d glasses?, and finally Mr. Cruise.

Despite his initial reluctance to fight, Mr. Cruise is traveling back and forth in time, fighting alien robots. Whenever he dies, he can start over and change things a bit to live a bit longer. Like in a game where you can't save and you start over every time you die (but unlike a game where you can't save, you cannot even press Pause when you need to go to the loo). In his quest he's aided by Mrs. Blunt, who's quite feminist at first but she gets around rather quickly. I guess his badass suit -that everyone is wearing- and convincing story help a bit and break the ice. Probably the small wooden box he stands on also helps a bit, although we don't see it in the movie. I'm not telling he's small (you can see that for yourself), but if he had played in the Hobbit a lot of money could have been saved on the CGI. A few deaths later, he's getting quite good and actually learns to configure the suit and use it to kill the baddies. Surprisingly for an American weapon, it has instructions in multiple languages (not Arabian, though, for whatever reason). He also gets extra help from Mrs. Blunt, who helps him in her spare time. In her busy time, she's doing push-ups or Yoga. Contributing to the overall success is a brilliant professor who looks like a not-so-brilliant janitor. This professor built a device that can somehow help with time travel issues. You know it works, as your eyes get colored in black when everything goes alright.

One of the more intense moments of the movie is when Mr. Cruise gathers his mates around him and says "I know what I'm about to say will sound crazy". I put popcorn aside, moved to the edge of the seat and held my breath waiting for him to say "Scientology is drivel". But he did not, he went on about time travel (which, in comparison, is not that crazy). Such a lost opportunity, that could have been the best (and unexpected) movie ending in a long time. So that was not the most intense moments of the movie, after all.
Another intense moment is when she wants to shoot him as usual but he tells her not to, as he's not coming back this time because he lost the ability to rejuvenate (you wouldn't expect Mr. Cruise to use such elevated words, and you're right; he doesn't). Unfortunately, this moment is spoiled again, this time by Mrs. Blunt, as she doesn't shoot him.
There's another scene packed with suspense towards the end of the movie, when they drive a ship (no, I actually got it right) between Eiffel Tower and Le Louvre in a final attempt to destroy the ultimate alien. Paris looks as lovely as ever, but you notice this only briefly, as tension escalates during the chase (I still didn't get to go to the loo). Despite the frantic pace, it takes a while, probably as long as it takes to walk that distance in real life. And it should take even less, as there's no people getting in the way and offering to sell them Eiffel Tower key-chains or bottled water for 3 euros. But, as you may have guessed already, it's just another disappointing moment, as Mr. Cruise does not get killed. On the plus side, the movie ends shortly after this.

One thing that confuses me is why in military planes people stay sideways. Not only it's less efficient, as you can only carry a few people in one plane and pollute more, but you'd think facing forward would be more intuitive, especially if jumping from the plane is expected at some point and you're probably curios about what's ahead. The best explanation I could come up with is that they're flying toward East, and they want to avoid sun going in their eyes (even those wearing sunglasses). Either that, or they want to make sure they don't bother anyone when they need to use the bathroom. Of course, it could only be to encourage communication.

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