04 February, 2018

A useless guide to travelling light in a dark place

... or any place. I added dark in the title for comedic effect. You know, contrast. Like blond ivory and every other race. Anyway, you are here now. Moving on.

There are fewer things in life more entertaining than someone pulling a 16-ton suitcase on a gravel road somewhere down a hill. Except probably when they stop for a selfie. With either a tablet or a pink gold phone. All this on high heels, if that someone is a woman. I would say most of the time she is a woman, but I do not want to cause gender issues in this guide. So, to keep everybody happy, it could be a man on high heels. And yes, color is not important either. What is important is that you will not be laughing so hard two hours later when their armoire is crushing your leg during the bus trip to the next resort. For she will be sat next to you. (Or he. Or... Enough, I hope you got the point.) From the entire bus, she will pick you. If anything, you came together; she is -in reverse order of misfortune- your wife, your girlfriend, or your travel partner. Either way, you are stuck. And at the end of the ride you will be dragging your own shed-sized suitcase, limping on your crushed leg. Of course, you have a hernia-inducing suitcase, too. Maybe it is because she did not have enough room in hers, in which case there are 8 pairs of shoes packed tidily among the long dresses mandatory for the weekend (hers holds the make-up and the lighter things). Or maybe, if it is not her stuff, there are your three-piece suits with matching ties, shirts, socks, and belts. And the medicine. You never know when business opportunity knocks or polar mosquitoes might bite you with yellow fever. You are prepared for everything. And the price of not being able to climb those ruins or hike with the others at the top of the waterfall is not that big. You can guard the luggage at the bottom while she goes anyway, because nothing is more important than the background of a selfie. Particularly with that face and that body...
Regardless of whose barrel of moisturizer you are carrying, luggage -like misery- needs company.

Well, it does not have to be like this. All you need is a little planning.

Preparation for light traveling begins long before the journey and has nothing to do with what you are packing. A few days before the journey you should begin with emptying the fridge. As counterintuitive as it sounds, the shiny sticky ham goes great with wilted veggies (all of them) and sour soup. For desert, pair that moldy cheese with the 5-months-old yogurt and those wrinkled apples. Top with the rock-hard half-donut and wash with the bottle of wine you opened at Christmas that was too expensive to throw away. This works two-fold: you will not be stressed about food going bad while you are gone, and you will feel much better flying on an empty stomach. Oh, do not worry, it will be empty. And after about 40 hours of empty, you will appreciate better that airplane food.

With taken care of, it is time to plan your luggage. For three to four days, go for the small backpack. For more than that, get the other backpack (if you own more than two backpacks, you should fix those issues when you return). The golden rule is that you are already wearing half the things you need: trousers, socks, undies, shirt, shoes. All you need is two more undies, pairs of socks and shirts (one should be enough, but the unexpected might happen and you like to be prepared). At night you can wash whatever you wore during the day, and they will be dry and ready the next morning. If you need a jacket, wear one instead of packing one. If you are not going beyond the Arctic Circle, skip the puffy one that required 40 geese worth of feathers to fill; a vest or hoodie and a windbreaker will do. If it is a holiday vacation, add a swim suit and flip-flops. If you need a skirt -woman or not, I am not judging- wear trousers and pack the skirt. Skirts needs less space in the luggage. Besides that, after sitting 11 hours in a plane wearing a skirt, you will remember to wear trousers next time.
On top of that, basic toiletries (yes, they do have sun and mosquito cream in tropical countries), chargers and cables for the phone, camera, and whatever gadgets you might be taking. Think e-book reader or tablet instead of half a bookshelf or gaming laptop. An external battery to top things off and... and you are done. Yes, you are. Leave aside all the things that you need just in case for unexpected special occasions. I have not seen that many beach parties or mountain cabins that have a dress code for the barbecue.

Everything I listed above can fit in a backpack. With some room for souvenirs on the way back, too. Of course as long as you consider spices, fridge magnets or scarf instead of statue, whole leg of Jamón serrano or a big bottle of each weird drink with an exotic name you happened to gulp there. You will save a small fortune on checked luggage, you will be able to walk up- or downhill, you will have two hands available for better movement and for repelling insects or tchotchke merchants. If anything, you will be able to take selfies more easily. Unfortunately, I cannot help you with your face. Maybe a small bottle of moisturizer would have been better after all. Or a mask. Whichever is lighter.

One more tip, for people traveling with more people: if you live together, take out half their stuff from the suitcase the night before and hide it somewhere. If you do not live together, hide yourself shortly after you landed and make separate bookings if they show up with said 16-ton luggage. This will save you from between half a suitcase and a full suitcase and a troll.

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