A useless guide to writing an easy self-help book

A lot of people tend to write self-help books these days. My heart melts when I see so many accomplished gurus willing to selflessly help other people for as little as a lot of money.
Writing such material is a lucrative business and involves very little effort; it is as easy as copying and pasting some text from other books you can find on-line, websites, and social media throughout most of your book. And as difficult as some typing if the sources you get your, um, inspiration from are not available in digital format. Regardless of the path you choose, what makes such an endeavour so simple is the quality of your audience. In fact, the only challenge is to aim low enough to reach a vast mass of gullible idiots.
Here is how.

First, introduction. You cannot just jump in a book like this without a proper introduction. These are four to five easy pages, which is a lot in this case. Here you thank your life partner for stimulating your creative juices for optimal flow. You may also throw in some thanks for your parents, children, teacher or even your pet. Its silent but continuous and unconditional love, etcetera... It does not matter much who or what, if it stirs cheap emotion. Then, you thank your agent and publisher for the tremendous support they have provided. This is because you cannot really be honest and bastardize them for their fees and percentages, since they can see it before it goes to print. Also, you are buttering them to take mercy and publish your next treasure of wisdom, should you not get enough money from this one. However, a bit of genuine gratitude is due since they have published your garbage, which is quite an accomplishment for you. And testament for their greed and lack of standards.

Then you move on to the next introduction, in which you explain why you are giving away the secret of success. It is not about selling nonsense for twenty-nine to forty-nine dollars to a few thousand losers too busy daydreaming about a scheme to get rich quickly that they fail to see this is just your scheme to get rich quickly.
An easy approach is to mention a made-up event that changed your life, a dramatic turning point that defined your future, successful self. Like you were feeling stuck at work, you were struggling with your personal life, your friends seemed to distance themselves from you and you felt utterly lost. You seemed to be the only sad human left on Earth, struggling to breathe while people around you seemed happy and without a worry. Until one morning, after yet another sleepless night, and before a crucial event at work that day. Your job was on the line or maybe you already got fired. You felt your life was over and were contemplating jumping on the line and end it all as the subway was approaching. Or even jumping from the bridge, if you feel public transportation lacks gravitas. In which case, you may consider swapping the incoming subway with a silent, ice-cold, deep, grey river... It is at that exact point that you witnessed the revelation, the ray of sunshine in the rainy day (the ray of sunshine also works in the subway station, in this case it is a metaphor), the answer to all your questions, and how easy it was. This is what you want to share with your dear audience in the following section of the book. Keep it accessible, people of low intellect like to relate to such stories if they believe it could happen to them, too. It brings you closer to your audience and keeps them engaged enough not to think of a refund.

Once introduction is sorted, you need to get some content. This is about your story, your experiences. And your teachings, too; challenges that moulded you in the successful writer and leader and successful entrepreneur that you are today.
Luckily, the internet provides enough stories that might have happened to you. And it provides the teachings, too. If using a search engine sounds intimidating, get a Facebook or LinkedIn account and become friends people working in sales, marketing or as office managers (the politically-correct title for receptionist). Keep your eye on pictures of a seashore, possibly with a shell and definitely with some text in quotes. Focus on keywords like humbled, overwhelmed, awed, blessed, reverence and wonder. That is the title of your next chapter. And the content is one click away. In less than a week, you should have gathered more than enough material. Other gem indicators include pictures of famous people, also with a quote. If you want to take things to the next level, check out for posts which contain pictures of airports, boardrooms with smiling people coming out of them and shaking hands, or a man in a suit holding a pen at a desk. The more blurred the background, the better the potential for insight. Or at least a tree in the window and sunshine flooding the room.
Since this is the lengthier part, here is another trick to maintain a good flow: typeface and size. Quotes in Helvetica and Arial, and in smaller size, are about darker experiences; use these first, to make the reader appreciate more what already have but forgot they did. And as you get progress towards the end, shift towards items in Comic Sans; they are about optimism and positive outlook. The bigger the font, the more uplifting the outcome. Which is a great technique to segue into the happy conclusion.
Yes, you are almost there. And at this point the reader is so enthralled that she will not even care you did not really explain that dramatic turning point you promised in the introduction and what exactly was your contribution.
All these elements can be combined in an uplifting pot-pourri of banalities that people who shared them on social media desperately need. Your book will not be reheated tea, it will be the elixir of wisdom which comes to reinforce what they already thought they knew when they shared that link. But now it is even better, it is in a book.

Once you gathered about a hundred and fifty pages of wisdom and "personal" examples, you can prepare for the ending. This would be the conclusion of everything you have shared so far, your recipe for their success. Hope for a better self and future. Hope for better life. Hope is priceless. And thirty dollars is a very reasonable price for that.
If this is not your first book and the previous one sold well, the price tag can go higher. Much higher. If only one is not enough, do not see that as a failure. Think of the next one as progress.
I know a guy who can barely read and wrote four in less than three years. Each more expensive than the previous. Because he is a famous athlete (he has nice abs and was cast in some French car ads in which he speaks about being successful), people keep on paying. Probably eating cake during reading, and dreaming about how they will be as lean and successful as he is. Starting from next Monday, definitely. In the mean-time, they can also enlist in his on-line ten-weeks personalised program.

Oh, and one more thing. The last bit of effort is for the last page, were some quotes and endorsements are due. Luckily, this is the publisher's job, and it boils down to making up some nice quotes from fictitious newspapers, like "I was torn to pieces" or "It truly changed the way I look at life". Pseudo-famous people like former Big Brother contestants or X-Factor panellists that have their own cooking show make great endorsers. Pretty much anyone who is on TV or in the newspapers and is not currently involved in a sex scandal will do. They have a very important role: to distract you for the price at the bottom.