50 shades of Genghis

Of all the hilarious self-help 'literature' out there on the internet -the sort of drivel people share on Facebook as wisdom and on LinkedIn as career boosters- a recurring theme is how to handle conflicts in the workplace. From breathing techniques, asking key questions and triggering non-combative emotions, deflecting and maintaining a positive attitude, the list is comprehensive and will sound convincing to the weak mind. However, any person with enough common-sense and a healthy dose of paranoia will quickly spot obvious, glaring flaws. Or, to use the same elevated language, there is reasonable room for improvement.
Here are some of the holes in the conflict-tackling fabric.

Positive attitude.
Be open and friendly, they say, never be aggressive. A friendly face will disarm most people, it will make them question their bellicose intentions and have second thoughts about whatever was making them upset. And a warm, friendly voice will seal the deal in no-time.
Well, it's true; people tend to imitate, it's herd behavior.
What's also true is that an evil grimace works even better. And replace the friendly voice a hoarse whisper while you're playing with a blunt object and they won't even reach your desk/ cubicle. Or, if you want to play the friendly-voice card (or there are witnesses), there's always sarcasm.

Be prepared.
One of the most recommended techniques is to be "prepared" for conflict; avoid and dissipate it before things get out of hand. From Sun Tzu to Zack de la Rocha, it's common knowledge you should know your enemy. This is supposed to be easier if it's your manager or a colleague, or someone you work/ interact with on a regular basis. In time, you can and should look for patterns in their behavior and -once identified- divert and avoid the conflict before it even starts. Or something.
What surprises me is the lack of coverage for basic things that allow you to be prepared for the next conflict. For instance, finding out where they park their car and where they live. Or what park they take their pet or children to, their favorite restaurants and places, and so on. Nothing distracts a conflict-seeking person from starting a conflict more quickly than letting them know you do possess this sort of information. Needless to say (and this is exactly why I need to say it), discretion is of utmost importance. No witnesses, no emails, no texts. As HR strongly encourages, there's nothing better than face-to-face conversation. The appropriate emotions may be conveyed better like this. And there are no traces.

Divert.
Diversion takes people by surprise. Otherwise, it's not really diversion, is it? There's not a recipe for diversion, anything that disrupts will do. For instance, when lambasted why you don't take part the all-hands conferences or why you don't use the corporate-recommended signature in your emails, you may divert with "Should get a tea now or go out for a cigarette?" or "I wonder from what distance I could take someone's eye out with this letter opener." A very easy technique is to just leave, ideally before they're done talking. Who knows, maybe it is time for tea. If they're still there when you're back, maybe it's time for a smoke, too. Or to go home. For extra oomph, leave home without letting them know. Chances are they won't like it (unquestionably, you will like it), but on the other hand you give them plenty of time to cool off.

Be proactive.
Undo the wrong before they notice. Or apologize in advance if you think you're at fault. Try to minimize the damage. Fix it. Etc.
Well, this may work but it means you have to do some work, too. Which defeats the purpose. However, you may "compromise" and be proactive without doing too much: blame it on somebody else; find an alibi; start complaining about something before they get to; take a few sick days.

Other ways.
Well, the list is long. Longer than my attention span, anyway. So there you have it. Master a few of the above and you're golden.

And remember, sometimes conflicts can be immense fun. Mostly when you're winning, or when you know they've got nothing against you. Or when you've already handed in your leave notice.