The ultimate exotic holiday survival guide

Part one: Introduction to Introduction
Based on estimations based on nothing, I'll live for about a hundred years and a bit. This means I'm quite far from midlife crisis, so for now I'll have to improvise one to avoid advice from people saying I'm in denial. Nobody is saying anything, but just in case.
I was never really interested in hot sport cars (sour grapes) or having an affair with the secretary (sour grapes. And sour personality). Extreme sports may hinder comfort and the smooth trajectory to a hundred years and a bit, I am not desperate enough to get a tattoo and I'm not patient enough to grow long hair.

Part two: Introduction
Alright, exotic trip it is; otherwise, the title would not be very relevant.

Part three: Planning
Planning is crucial for such a trip; in total, it took almost 2 years. More exactly, about 25 minutes split across almost 2 years. A good approach is to find a travel partner that's more interested than you in planning. In my case, pretty much anyone would qualify for this, including people with no interest to embark on such a trip.

The plan involved trekking in the jungle, sleeping outdoors in the jungle, snorkeling and diving (not in the jungle) and several other dangerous activities. The more responsible planner compiled a list of sundry necessary items for such endeavors, including trekking boots, compass, snorkeling gear, pocket knife, flashlight, insect repelling lotion, sun-blocking lotion, sleeping bag and so on. Having none of these, I brought a waterproof camera and some water sandals instead.

Part three: the urban jungle
Any serious visit to a new country starts with the capital. Here you have the most impressive buildings, the parliament/ king's palace, the more significant museums and other cultural or educational establishments. Despite all that, you have the main airport here so you don't really have much choice. There's also rampant prostitution -often of ambiguous nature and suggesting deviant reciprocity in sexual favors- and drugs, so it's not all bad.
There are all sorts of dangers in a big city, the first obvious one being fans and lamps attached to low ceilings constantly targeting my head (without me being racist or the country being Lilliput, I was generally taller than most people and only marginally shorter than many rooms). 5 such incidents occurred in the first morning alone, at breakfast. The second breakfast was much better, with a lower number of 0. Chiefly because we skipped it, due to laziness (and cocktails-laden dinner).
Having covered the capital, it was time to move on.

Part four: The jungle
The journey began by boat and continued on foot, on a secluded path hidden between a river and a bumpy road through the middle of a village. We came across an immense albino python at one point, which was rather scary as its owner asked for a lot of money to take photos wearing it around the neck.
Other wild animals we came across were mainly cows, chickens and elephants. Well, only one elephant. We didn't actually see it, but it was almost as good. We only heard some noise behind trees, and the guide said it was an elephant. We also saw some insects that were big enough to count as wild (as opposed to domestic insects, which are much smaller). We also had some for dinner (deep-fried, if you're curious. You're not? Never-mind, then), but they're not as tasty as one might imagine.
Up to this point, survival was possible without all the survival equipment I didn't have anyway, so no significant advice here.

The adventure culminated with being chased by indigenous tribes in the jungle, being chased by Nazis outside the jungle, poisonous snakes that seems to survive in a tomb without food or water. All this happened while I was watching Indiana Jones in a rooftop bar near a beach, which leads us to the next adventure: mysteries of the deep sea.


Part four (Beg pardon? OK, five): The deep sea
Here's where things can get dangerous: being in touristic areas, prices are significantly higher and everybody wants to rip you off, so make sure you haggle a bit. Another crucial piece of advice is that water sandals are great to avoid sea-urchins. They're particularly helpful if you actually wear them in water, and less so if you leave them on the beach (not many sea-urchins there).
In some places you may come across monkeys that will try to steal your stuff. This is true. In hindsight, it's better if everybody doesn't fall asleep on the beach at the same. Luckily, nothing was lost. Nothing from my stuff, at least. And monkeys are funny. When they steal stuff from somebody else.
A good place to avoid monkeys is under the water; scuba diving is a safe bet. Monkeys are not very good at handling the scuba gear. To be honest, I wasn't much better at it either, but I had an instructor. So here's another important piece of advice for survival: you probably have no chance with monkeys that can afford a diving instructor, try to keep away from them.
Diving is fun, but you're not supposed to do it if you're pregnant. I wasn't sure, but hoped for the best and went for it. It was spectacular, indeed: no monkeys there. Only some fish with impeccable manners.



Part six: The return
There are many proverbs to tell you how long journeys begin, but not as many to tell you how they end. Here's the penultimate piece of advice: a long journey usually ends up in the duty-free shops, trying to spend the last local currency you have on fridge magnets, cigarettes or alcohol. Most likely you're wearing the last clean clothes, you're exhausted and still have long flights ahead of you. And nobody will wait for you at the airport. Fortunately, vacation is over and on Monday you're going back to work; you'll get plenty of rest there.

Part seven: The end 
The end.
Well, here's the last bit: If you can go see exotic places, don't worry too much about dangers. Just make sure to mind the obstacles on the ceiling if you're tall. Most of the times there are none, and you may miss amazing things if you stay at home. Enjoy...