It's meeting day. It's meeting time. It begins.
I hope I'm prepared this time.
You don't just walk into a meeting. It's a full ritual. You need to be not-too-tired as sleeping is frowned upon (tested, confirmed). And you cannot be too rested, it sucks you in and then it's game over. Numb or detached are your best options. A good starting point for that is yoga. Or drugs. Legal, of course. Smelling like a festival is not the worst thing you can come across in the meeting room, but it is somehow the most noticed and disapproved. While the really bad ones are politely ignored. Anyway, neither option is available now. It's 10 sharp, time to start. The phone is set to silent, the battery is full, the tea mug is half full (with tea, not idiotic optimistic views of life), I'm ready. Good sign: it's less crowded than expected: only me and two other suckers that thought we'd start on time this time. Of course it's not good a sign, it's bad manners. Apparently, the acceptable threshold for being late at a meeting is 5 to 10 minutes (for whatever reason), so at 10:20-ish everyone is in the room. The door is closed, time to start. Dim the lights, turn on the projector. Surprisingly, the projector is 'not working'. It's a recurring surprise that never grows old. Turn the lights back on, make sure the right cables are connected, finally manage to press the right keys and share the screen, dim the lights back again. To hide the dim presenter who hasn't mastered the esoteric art of using a projector.
First slide is about why we've gathered here today. You'd think we all know by now, but you'd be surprised. Alright, now everybody knows. Second slide is the introductory round. Of course. Some faces look familiar already, and some names do ring a bell. Maybe because I've had my coffee break with them for this morning? Or maybe because we've been colleagues for the past years? Anyway, that's at least 10 minutes of useless small talk before the other useless small talks. By the end of the round, some have already forgotten what the meeting was about. A gentle reminder and finally we're off.
10:35. It begins. My first reaction is to zone out. I try to detach, to think of nice things. It's not easy, they're pulling me back. Their loud voices, their bright slides won't let me get away so easily. I'm struggling to shelter in the proverbial happy place inside my mind. It's hard to stay away, but it finally happens. It's a bit quieter now, now it's just right. I've made it. I'm wafting in a sea of tranquility and time is on my side. Minutes and then hours just fly by. It feels good. It should all be over soon.
I think it's safe to go back now. If I time this right, I should be back right before they've reached an agreement for whatever they're bickering about. I'm back now. Quick check. 10:36. Uh-oh. Not as good as I expected.
It's so disappointing I can't even go back to my sea of tranquility. But I am prepared. Time to switch weapons, and my meeting-survival arsenal is far from being empty. It's game time. Proper games. On today's menu we have a rich selection of angry birds, online chess and offline Sudoku. Unfortunately, their argument for hypothetical and pointless percentages makes it a bit too noisy for chess. Oh well... Many dead green pigs and 28 slides later, I've had enough. Now it's a good time for Sudoku (any meeting is a good time for Sudoku). I'm on fire today, two evil ones solved in less than 10 minutes. Good, engrossing pace. The noise fades out and it gets better and better. It's nice and quiet again.
Suddenly it's too quiet. Is it over already? Is that it? No, it's not. Someone asked me a question and they're waiting for an answer. Usually I know the answers, but unfortunately I have no idea what the question was. I dodge it with another question that's generic enough to make them busy again. But that was close, and now they're suspicious. Time for something else.
Well, what better thing to wake me up a bit than a little snack? I can make less noise when eating an apple or biscuits than a ninja following the main actress in those uncomfortable sandals when the telly's on mute, and I can even have mille-feuilles without making any crumbs. All these years of mom yelling at me for not eating in the kitchen are paying off. I'm not that hungry, but that should take care of a few more slides.
A few more slides later. Luckily they seem to have reached some agreement. Usually, the agreement is to meet again next week for further discussions. I won't be here next week. We're almost done, it's the penultimate slide, right before Summary and 'Thank you'. Oh no, this is the 'Questions?' slide, which for some reason they seem to take seriously every time. They struggle to bring up even more uninteresting ideas and pointless points than they have in the past 2 hours. I try to phase out again and it's easier now, knowing it shouldn't be long at this point: the meeting is already overlapping lunch time and their enthusiasm fades as more immediate priorities focus the spotlight on today's menu. Quick scroll through the summary, thank you’s and congratulations, lights go back on and it's over. I'm back. And I'm out of the meeting room. Promising to myself I won't be back any time soon. At least not next week.
I'm never prepared for meetings. No matter how hard I prepare.
I hope I'm prepared this time.
You don't just walk into a meeting. It's a full ritual. You need to be not-too-tired as sleeping is frowned upon (tested, confirmed). And you cannot be too rested, it sucks you in and then it's game over. Numb or detached are your best options. A good starting point for that is yoga. Or drugs. Legal, of course. Smelling like a festival is not the worst thing you can come across in the meeting room, but it is somehow the most noticed and disapproved. While the really bad ones are politely ignored. Anyway, neither option is available now. It's 10 sharp, time to start. The phone is set to silent, the battery is full, the tea mug is half full (with tea, not idiotic optimistic views of life), I'm ready. Good sign: it's less crowded than expected: only me and two other suckers that thought we'd start on time this time. Of course it's not good a sign, it's bad manners. Apparently, the acceptable threshold for being late at a meeting is 5 to 10 minutes (for whatever reason), so at 10:20-ish everyone is in the room. The door is closed, time to start. Dim the lights, turn on the projector. Surprisingly, the projector is 'not working'. It's a recurring surprise that never grows old. Turn the lights back on, make sure the right cables are connected, finally manage to press the right keys and share the screen, dim the lights back again. To hide the dim presenter who hasn't mastered the esoteric art of using a projector.
First slide is about why we've gathered here today. You'd think we all know by now, but you'd be surprised. Alright, now everybody knows. Second slide is the introductory round. Of course. Some faces look familiar already, and some names do ring a bell. Maybe because I've had my coffee break with them for this morning? Or maybe because we've been colleagues for the past years? Anyway, that's at least 10 minutes of useless small talk before the other useless small talks. By the end of the round, some have already forgotten what the meeting was about. A gentle reminder and finally we're off.
10:35. It begins. My first reaction is to zone out. I try to detach, to think of nice things. It's not easy, they're pulling me back. Their loud voices, their bright slides won't let me get away so easily. I'm struggling to shelter in the proverbial happy place inside my mind. It's hard to stay away, but it finally happens. It's a bit quieter now, now it's just right. I've made it. I'm wafting in a sea of tranquility and time is on my side. Minutes and then hours just fly by. It feels good. It should all be over soon.
I think it's safe to go back now. If I time this right, I should be back right before they've reached an agreement for whatever they're bickering about. I'm back now. Quick check. 10:36. Uh-oh. Not as good as I expected.
It's so disappointing I can't even go back to my sea of tranquility. But I am prepared. Time to switch weapons, and my meeting-survival arsenal is far from being empty. It's game time. Proper games. On today's menu we have a rich selection of angry birds, online chess and offline Sudoku. Unfortunately, their argument for hypothetical and pointless percentages makes it a bit too noisy for chess. Oh well... Many dead green pigs and 28 slides later, I've had enough. Now it's a good time for Sudoku (any meeting is a good time for Sudoku). I'm on fire today, two evil ones solved in less than 10 minutes. Good, engrossing pace. The noise fades out and it gets better and better. It's nice and quiet again.
Suddenly it's too quiet. Is it over already? Is that it? No, it's not. Someone asked me a question and they're waiting for an answer. Usually I know the answers, but unfortunately I have no idea what the question was. I dodge it with another question that's generic enough to make them busy again. But that was close, and now they're suspicious. Time for something else.
Well, what better thing to wake me up a bit than a little snack? I can make less noise when eating an apple or biscuits than a ninja following the main actress in those uncomfortable sandals when the telly's on mute, and I can even have mille-feuilles without making any crumbs. All these years of mom yelling at me for not eating in the kitchen are paying off. I'm not that hungry, but that should take care of a few more slides.
A few more slides later. Luckily they seem to have reached some agreement. Usually, the agreement is to meet again next week for further discussions. I won't be here next week. We're almost done, it's the penultimate slide, right before Summary and 'Thank you'. Oh no, this is the 'Questions?' slide, which for some reason they seem to take seriously every time. They struggle to bring up even more uninteresting ideas and pointless points than they have in the past 2 hours. I try to phase out again and it's easier now, knowing it shouldn't be long at this point: the meeting is already overlapping lunch time and their enthusiasm fades as more immediate priorities focus the spotlight on today's menu. Quick scroll through the summary, thank you’s and congratulations, lights go back on and it's over. I'm back. And I'm out of the meeting room. Promising to myself I won't be back any time soon. At least not next week.
I'm never prepared for meetings. No matter how hard I prepare.
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